I finally decided that tomorrow during therapy I am going to talk to David about my disassociative episodes. Dont be confused with the ‘wake up in strange places and not remember’ dissasociation. I am very much with it and aware of everything going and remember everything afterwards. We have touched on them before, we have talked about where they come from and why I have them. Now, I’m no longer comfortable with using them as a crutch, as a way to hide my feelings from others. Knowing now that these episodes are a defense mechanism when I have anxieties about expressing my emotions or when I feel vulnerable or my feelings are exposed, I want to work on it.
It’s always been easy to talk about things, people, events…etc both good and bad but using words like “I feel” when discussing anything that’s rich in emotion causes me a lot of fear and anxiety. The episodes themselves are not scary. I like them. They make me feel safe. They make me feel hidden. Its the seconds before they happen that are. It’s the panic. It’s the dozens of questions that blow through my mind: what if they are uncomfortable with me sharing my feelings? What if they aren’t comfortable with the feelings I am sharing? What if they just don’t care? Are my feelings obvious? Am i hiding them well enough? Do they notice? Is this going to change their opinion of me? What if its a bad time to share these feelings?
Before I can make a decision as to what to do I feel myself getting sucked down into this intense fear, then poof. I completely shut down. I can’t feel anything. I can barely speak a couple words a sentence. and not even because I can’t talk but because I don’t want to. I respond for the sake of responding to get everyone to shut up and leave me alone. I can’t look anyone in the eye. I can’t stop moving around. I get this compulsive need to have several things to do at once. someone once said I look and act like a robot. When it’s all over I feel tired.
I suppose the sudden need to focus on it was my last episode this past weekend. It was triggered by something like a spotlight effect. I was put into a situation where I felt very much aware of my feelings, more so than usual. I thought my feelings were exposed and noticeable. The ease at which I slipped scared the crap out of me. A part of me is afraid that if I don’t get control over it soon, resolve my issues that led to these episodes in the first place, it will get worse.
I don’t like it anymore. It could be so much better than this.
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