The future is here. in The Wanderer

I haven’t updated a lot lately. I don’t know why, but writing isn’t as important to me as it used to be…and that makes me despondent. I have been pulled out of myself so many times in the past four years, I think I am exhausted. Exhausted, but ready to go back to who I am or was or could have been.
My life has shifted too many times to count. I remember stability like it is someone I used to know, vaguely. It had a lot to do with a stronger family unit, before the death of those family members that kept everything and everyone together. It also had to do with a forced, but necessary academic path. A clear 7-2 routine Monday through Friday. The thing kids dread, but don’t realize how vital it is until it is gone. That path was always something I felt I succeeded at. I had always loved school, up until a point when things in life went haywire and school just seemed unimportant all of a sudden. Also, the high school I was at was a joke. I remember my sophomore year in English when my incompetent teacher had us doing spelling tests and sent kids into the corner for misbehaving like we were in grade school. I wasn’t learning anything. So I just stopped caring. I was going through the typical teenage angst. The rebellion, the isolation, the self-conscious time when the image of yourself meant everything. I started caring more about spending time with friends and a lot less about reading that list of Summer Reading books. But writing…writing was what kept me going through the darkest hours of my life.
It wasn’t high school that was dark, it was everything else going on in my life. I don’t think starting a job at 16 was a good idea looking back in retrospect. But it lead me to experiences I would never have experienced. Experiences that turned out to be major life lessons that I would have to learn one way or another.
I left that horrible high school after Josh passed away. I decided independent study was more suited for me. But I missed out on those imperative years. Junior/Senior year in high school is supposed to be focused on preparing you for college. The only thing I was preparing for was work at a pizza joint and trying to maintain my messy relationship. I was numb, or stupid, or blacked out, or given too much independence for my own good–I don’t know. I just got myself into bad situations on a daily. Eventually that led to my overdose, which messed everything up in my life even more. I was given an opportunity though, to live with my cousin, straighten things out and attend a very good high school my senior year. But it was too late. I was too far gone. I was very unprepared for that school. And the worst part was, I had lost all motivation and interest in school. I barely finished one semester there. I was out by January 2006. Finished a few more classes online, got my high school diploma; barely. It took me another year to get myself to go to community college and then another three years to graduate from that. But I am thankful for that experience, because it gave me back that desire to learn that I thought was lost for good.
But then the DUI happened. I lost myself again. My motivation for learning went out the window, and I replaced it with heavy drinking. I decided it was in my best interest to pack up my bags and move away. January 2011 I entered my Life in Washington stage of life. Then I found Dave. Then got married. Then moved to Massachusetts. Then got divorced. Then moved back to California, and somehow it is 2014 and I still don’t have a damn Bachelors.
Well, the future is here. I should have. I could have. I would have. I didn’t. I need to. I’m so fucking ready to. I’ve finally made the decision to major in Psychology, with full intentions of graduating on time and moving right along into a Masters program. Then eventually a PhD program. I am done wasting my life being pulled around place to place. I need stability back. I need that regimen. I’m tired of making plans only for my life to go haywire and turn completely upside down. I have pushed the reset button far too many times. I am officially wiped out, exhausted, ready to move forward. The worst part of it is I know in my heart I will be in California for a long time and that is such a depressing thought. Oh well, only time will tell what will become of everything.