A Proper Entry in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

Warning: The version of this entry that currently exists in my head contains one or two words that may, however unlikely, be judged by certain individuals as graphic or offensive. It is my hope that for the majority of readers, this warning will be superfluous and unnecessary; but for those with the most sensitive of sensibilities- I wanted to give you ample warning that this entry may not be for you.

That being said… this entry was written at work. Because when court finishes at 1:30… I get to sit around and wonder if in-person interviews are necessary for the day… to usually discover the answer between 3 and 4. So… I’ve got time on my hands, lol.

1a) One thing I have tried to emphasize in this journal and in my life at large is that family matters a great deal to me. My wife is also my family. So her issues concern me. In that spirit; I have kept on her about why she is so depressed, so angry, so ineffably void of anything positive these last few years. She vehemently points to her job as the sole cause of all of these concerns. My usual response is to encourage her to begin seeking employment elsewhere. I would rather we both struggle financially than feel economic security in a failing marriage. This is usually the point in the conversation where my wife falls apart… you see, she continually maintains that she doesn’t look for other work because she doesn’t know what she’d do, doesn’t know what she wants to do, and has no idea where to start.

With that in mind, while I was out of town recently I picked up two books that fit exactly what she has been looking for. She’s often lamented “If only there were a professional grade test I could take to help me”… obviously, there are many. SO- I bought “What Motivates Me: Put Your Passions to Work.” This book includes an on-line test (free) that measures your interests and talents and suggests jobs that may suit you. Further, the book itself discusses how to best use your interests and talents in job-hunting and life-management. I also bought her the 2015 edition of “What Color Is Your Parachute?” This book, for those unfamiliar, is billed as the world’s most popular job guide book. Essentially… my wife was looking for a place to start… I supplied her with a place to start. The frustrating, but obvious, element? I can lead her to water, but I can’t make her drink. This really could be a make-or-break moment for us… because I’ve removed the excuses. I’ve listened to her concerns, her frustrations, and her fears… and I’ve provided her with a way to deal with all of that. But we shall see if she takes the opportunity.

1b) Something I’ve given a lot of serious thought to lately is my own sense of dissatisfaction. I’m not going to claim that I find my marriage perfect or even healthy. My wife sleeps until 11am; I go to work at 8am… my wife leaves for work at 1pm; I return from work at 5pm… my wife returns from work at 11pm usually fuming; I have to make the decision to stay awake with her or try to get some sleep… thus all-in-all, if I sacrifice sleep, I may get to see my wife for a grand total of a few scant hours in the late night while she is still raging about work. Not to mention the sexual dysfunction in our marriage and the general sense of neglect I tend to feel.

But this is where I started my analysis. Not so much “I’m unhappy; how is it my fault?” But a truer sense of “Granted, I’m not happy, but how does my own past experience shape my reaction to that unhappiness?” Clearly, I tend to be a rather self-reflective person but honestly… asking how we react and why can reveal a lot. This time it led me to a realization that I need to come to terms with. To be frank, I don’t know how to come to terms with it, so I share it here in hopes that someone may have advice.

As any who have read my OD entries may know… I was never THAT socially adventurous. The one time I was? Resulted in domestic violence, sexual assault, and very nearly attempted homicide. SO… especially after that, I really wasn’t that socially adventurous. I honestly think my reaction to my present unhappiness stems from that regret. Because, frankly… my concerns seem so much less significant than “Marriage Issues.” As can be seen in my current project (which you’ll find below) my regrets aren’t so much “I shouldn’t have done that” so much as they are “Knowing what I know now, I wish I had done that.” That concept kind of defines my life.

Of course the big one. I want to be wanted, I want to be lusted after and lust after someone else. I want to know what it is like to passionately make out with someone; have spontaneous sex; and have sexual encounters worth remembering. I want to know what it is like making out with a woman against the wall and also what it would be like to have that woman cook for me. Essentially, it would seem that I want “Week Woman” from “The Hunger;” and I can’t help but feel that part of that comes from how fundamentally limited my experiences were before I got married. So… that is something that I have to keep in mind. When I start feeling crappy about the state of my marriage; I just need to check myself and figure out… do I feel this way because my marriage needs work; or do I feel this way because of the choices I made?

1c) Finally, to close this portion… a strange and rather shameful admission that truly makes me stop and think a bit. The other day had been about a week or so since I talked to Molly. Not that I was avoiding her, but with training mostly out of the way and me out of town- there just hadn’t been any contact. She messaged me briefly and we talked shop. Really rather a dull conversation in most respects. How was court… any interesting cases… that kind of thing. It wasn’t even a long conversation at all. But, and this is the risqué shame admission… for some reason I felt the stirrings of an erection during the conversation. As though, somehow, merely having a conversation with whom something could potentially almost perchance
conceivably perhaps feasibly imaginably happen was enough to cause a physical rumbling reaction.

2) To close this out entirely for the night won’t take a great deal of time. The Time Travel Project is looking into my Junior Year of High School… so Iowa circa 2000 and 2001. This should be short because it is… well… different.

While there has never been an entire year without regrets, bitterness, and a desire to change something… my Junior Year had just enough positives that changing anything would make me uneasy. In other words, the only way I would change anything at all within that Reference Time is if I was 100% assured that I could reset everything back to the way it was before if things turned… far worse. You see… really the only big thing I would change would be how everything happened with Krystal. But since Krystal is still a remarkable friend who has married a man perfect for her… and since she has survived cancer… I’d be reluctant to mess with the timeline.

Again though, if I did… it would almost entirely be about timing. You see… in the Prime Timeline, Krystal and I went to Prom together and broke up shortly before Summer Break. While I loved going to Prom with her, the timing of the break up had a direct relationship with how I got involved with Ki (Caitlin) and the horror-nightmare-extraordinaire of that whole mess. So… if our relationship was always doomed to be so short-lived… I would have asked her out for the Homecoming Dance in the Fall Term. That way, the break up would have been over Christmas and I would have had an entire semester to get over the break up, become friends with her again, come to terms with how we weren’t going to work out, and had a healthy transition. The other thing I would have tried to change? This one is risky because I honestly believe part of why we are still such good friends is that we didn’t engage in a physical relationship at all… but I worry that I hurt her by doing that, I’m fairly positive it is what led to our breakup and… honestly… even though this woman is like a saint, allow me to be lascivious for a moment. I was dating a marathon runner with awesome legs, 36DD chest, a fabulous dress sense, a huge smile, green eyes, and brown/red hair… this woman was hot! Granted… I still think it is “sweet of me” that I thought so highly of her and respected her too much to get involved with her physically… but damn. That seems silly… you like her, you respect her, you think she is gorgeous inside and out… she agreed to date you, you should have done something, man!

Last updated October 15, 2014