#401- in Magician Card

I haven’t seen my partner in over 6 months now. We started off meeting off reddit and were seeing eachother every week up until he moved on from his last job.Right now he’s taking some exams and looking for another job after he got his car fixed. Weirdly enough, I think my parents are more anxious about the relationship than I am.My mother asks me a lot when he will come down to see me and I always have to go through the same thing. Where I tell her he’s been busy, and doing his own stuff.

It’s not as if we don’t talk mind you. We talk on the phone A LOT. A LOT A LOT A LOT. Whenever he is free we talk. Sometimes we don’t even talk, we just sit on the phone in eachothers company I guess you could say. When we sleep at night, we sleep together. Even if sometimes I stay up past him, and leave him on speaker so I can hear is snoring(it’s soothing), meanwhile I mute myself so he can’t hear me if I’m scuffling around, and only I can hear him.

And when not doing that, we text a lot. And when not texting, we’ll sometimes play co-op games. There’s quite a lot to do throught the web that helps maintain the relationship. We also have the option of video calling, though I’m much too self-conscious because of my own body dysmorphia.

I asked him once before, actually several times, if he was okay with being long distance. If it bothered him or not. Because most of my relationships have been long distance. He’s the first partner I’ve been able to see on a regular basis. Meanwhile, all of his have been nearby and in person. So yeah, I did feel concerned at first. Because what if he gets sick and tired of this? But yet he’s told me he’s happy. It’s not permanent, and eventually we will move in together. There’s also a part of me that clings onto the idea that distance makes the heart grow fonder.

When we see eachother after a long while, everything feels much fresh, a sense of novelty. Touching eachother, sexual encounters, everything feels like it has more fuel. It’s like lighting gasoline on fire, everything just feels so much more wow. It feels that way in general, but when you haven’t seen eachother for a while, touched in a while, kissed in a while. There’s this sort of hunger that builds up.

And meanwhile our relationship has been stable. Nothing negative has happened. We still have occasional dumb arguments. Like one time we fought over the name nevaeh, over me not thinking it’s a bad name…and well, he didn’t like it. Silly things like that which aren’t dealbreakers, or anything serious. We get over it fast. And very rarely do we even have these type of arguments anyway.

Recently he even bought me some shoes that were pretty pricey and sent them to my address. Which I figure he wouldn’t do if he wasn’t invested in me any longer. Esp because he’s trying to hold onto his money until his next job.

I also feel secure. Like the most secure a relationship has ever made me feel. I don’t feel really anxious about if he’s going anywhere, or about being abandoned. It’s not something that has gone away for good, but it’s really not on my list of worries or concerns that I feel I need to see a therapist for.

Lately we’ve both been busy. He’s studying for his exam to hopefully get a better position. I’m going to school and graduate soon. I’ve been studying, and picked up some hobbies. Also there’s cleaning and gardening around the house. Exercising, taking care of myself. So I really don’t have a lot of time to be anxious or to think about anxious thoughts.

When I’m not occupied I use what time I have for reading sometimes. But most of it goes to my friends who call me frequently. I have plenty of healthy relationships and don’t feel co-dependent.

Recently I even reunited with an old friend I met in highschool so that has been positive.

My partner is currently staying with family he hasn’t seen in a while. Quite some time. So of course I have been encouraging him to spend time with them instead of me while he is there. Because I get him pretty much all the time, meanwhile his family lives quite a ways away. It’s in a different state entirely.

And eventhough we’re not attached at the hip per usual at the moment, I don’t feel anxious. Which is surprising because all of my past relationships I always felt as if they were one gust of wind away from flying away somewhere at any moments notice.

I’ve also been doing some side-gigs in my freetime, and while it’s a hobby, I’m hoping I can make money off of it. Truthfully I’m using my time away from my partner to focus on things that I can’t do while on the phone with him(or rather its more complicated if I try to). Like gardening, spending time with my pets, friends, even cooking a new recipe. Speaking of which, I bought some tripe at the store for cheap.

It’s beef stomach. Usually used in Menudo soup. If you haven’t tried it, I recommend it. I however, am a huge fan of just the meat itself. So I bought some tripe. It’s also relatively cheap and inexpensive. Tasty too. I don’t quite know how to cook it, but hopefully I can figure out a way to cook it by itself or add to a dish.

I’m also expecting some baby animals soon. So that is exciting. And I’ve been focused on learning some new things. Taking care of things around the house too. Super busy lately.

I’ve also been visiting my aunt on the weekends. I like to listen to her and my mother gossip about whatever. Sometimes they’re racist, so sometimes it’s not always great. Because the conversations end up there somehow, someway.

I like to chill on the couch which is where I sleep until my cousin moves out and I can use his bedroom until he comes back from out of state.
She recently had a lot of renovations.Unfortunately there is mold on the wall now.

But I like going to her place because it’s quiet. I like to take a very hot shower and stay in there for what feels like ages. The heat is so amazingly good. I like to stay in there until my arms are red from the scalding hot water.

I have been leaving my laptop behind too and opting for a book or even crocheting. And of course I treat myself to a weeekend treat such as some ice cream or even some gelato. Super good.

Also there’s been a lot of rain, so I like to go outside on her balcony and just watch and listen.