will i won't i in Songs
- March 18, 2024, 6:20 p.m.
- |
- Public
Pat is officially moved out as of a couple weeks ago. Officially officially last Friday when he got the last of his basement storage junk. I’m still adjusting. I’ve mostly been just a mess, tired, confused, unable to really read between any lines. Existing like I’m just being knocked around by waves. I’ve had a few mistakes at work that are forgiveable given my newness but I also just like to take pride in my work. I like to be able to take pride in what I’m doing generally and it’s been a bit hard being so lost. I’ll have evenings where I’m on a good track and taking care of myself. Listening to music, painting, getting a chore done here and there. Most evenings though I’ve been compiling a dirty dish pile on each surface available in the house, makeup and toiletries strewn around, clothes and shoes every and anywhere, most evenings I’ll spend the majority of time with screens, ruining my eyes and usually my brain.
Springtime is around the corner.
In the first couple of weeks when Pat was moving out we had a couple of social events that we were both going to be at. I think we did pretty well. He did this thing where he really bothered me at karaoke and everyone got to see. I have what might be a date tonight with a girl who gave him hell about it the day after apparently. He spent the next four days apologizing, which was annoying. Eventually at some point he asked me if I’d be down to do FWB with him, which sounds really bad but I actually found sweet. Sex and physical touch has always been the foundation of our relationship and probably why things lasted so long and we had so many good moments together. For what it’s worth, we had a good foundation in sex. I told him though, that I needed some time to separate and become independent before I could make a decision like that. From that conversation on he’s been much less annoying, and unfortunately that has made my heart grow stronger and when I ran into him at the bar last night it broke my heart and I spent the next two hours at home sobbing and unfortunately had him come over to have a warm familiar body to sleep next to. He took up the whole bed and snored so as I thought it might, I was revalidated in my separation from him, but also it was nice to cuddle a bit in the morning. I hope it all didn’t set us back too much. It was completely on me, after over a month of having to be the strong one against his needs I did, I went ahead and broke.
But here I am, unsure of any next steps romantically or sexually. Like I said, I might be going on a date tonight. It’s unclear. I’ve been texting with my Mainer crush for a few weeks now and he’s not great at it. He texts like an old man. He has invited me to go canoeing or hiking though when I come to visit.
Trying to see friends, get better at the work that I do, trying to make enough money. Trying to spend some of it. Thinking of doing a small art showing for my Venus Return coming up. I’m trying to ride my bike more often. I’m trying to keep a little sane. I’m not really trying to quit the vape, I’m not really trying to calm down on the weed.
I actually broke up with Pat because I had the idea that it was time to move to Maine, and I realized I didn’t want him to come with me. I forgot about Maine for a bit, but no one will let me forget that I said that. People keep asking me when I’m going to move to Maine. I wonder if I’m going to move to Maine. I do kind of feel like it.. we will see what that looks like in the coming months.
Complicated Disaster ⋅ March 19, 2024
*hugs* xx