Still Learning to Let Go in Everyday Ramblings

From a walk yesterday morning. We had a break in the rain, and I needed to get out. The buildings looming up above are part of the institution for which I used to work, and now receive my medical care from. When I moved here the building to the left and the high-end row houses behind weren’t here. There was a fenced in hole in the ground. Apparently before that there was a car dealership there and before that a livery stable in competition with the one that was where I live now.

The neighborhood was decimated by urban renewal and then this patch of it zoned historic. That is why those expensive row houses have that kind of historic homes vibe. The tiny cottage with the big tree just coming into bloom is a rental. I can’t imagine what it was like living there for the years the construction went on. The people that live in those row houses are all from out of state. Nobody else could afford them.

It is warming up! And we are almost through this period of rain. Just a little light rain this afternoon and then being out and about will be much more pleasant. We had one of those soaking rains with a big wind last night, so this interlude of temperate weather is most welcome.

Mrs. Sherlock has had a cold, respiratory virus thing and had to cancel our trip to the garden fair, festival Saturday. I could have gone on my own, I thought about it, but it was raining hard, and it was a long unfamiliar streetcar trip. This means I didn’t get the PH tested of the soil from my plot or my Primula question answered.

That on top of expecting to have my problem tooth extracted and not, the price tag on all the dental work I am in the midst of, Kes and Most Honorable deciding to come up, and then not, and then yes again, and the online book club… back in the swing of all the things I am involved in…

My heart started telling me it had enough. Not to worry, I got through this two-day run, but it was uncomfortable and scary. I never know with the chest pain, the jaw pain, is this it, is this the big one. Do I need to call the paramedics.

It was a bit of a wake-up call. I need to put more energy into managing my emotional state and stress response.

I take good care, always get my cardio, but the thing that gets me is circumstances that I feel I have no control over. It is like I had a good amount, of resources in that arena, and then, no, actually I don’t. There is no backup resilience plan anymore.

Now I need to add into my schedule time and practices of deep relaxation. It is not a oh this would be nice thing anymore, it is a “you need to do this to survive” thing. Oh, and distraction and humor. And not so much focus on the news and the idiotic cruel things people do to each other.

I prefer to have what I am doing be in a preventative mode than a recovery mode. There may not be a way to do that, but I can at least try. We don’t get training in how to handle all the various challenges living in an aging body throws at us. The stuff that worked 20, 15 years ago, may not be available to us anymore.

I am not dead yet. There are always possibilities and creative ways of handling these things. I just hope I can find a successful way to manage these episodes so that they aren’t as scary anymore.

And in the meantime, we only have a few more hours of rain and it is spring here and warming up. The daffodils are weary but plentiful enough to push their bowed heads back up and bask in the light and shine their bright cheerful glow and the earthworms are getting to work and all the birds are on their long journey home. I am not going to argue with that.