The retrograde has been teaching me some valuable lessons regarding being too trusting, too forthcoming with information as well as not being ashamed of the more unadmirable traits of mental illnesses and learning to be aware and control them instead.
I recently took in a gay couple into my living room to take over the apartment after I moved into the unit next door. I took them in a week early to get them out of an overpriced motel room as a mutually beneficial arrangement. I needed some help with bills and I figured I could save them some money. during the process my roommate up and bounced on the lease behind my back, leaving me $400 behind on the rent and more stressed out than I was before.
At first it wasn’t all too bad, I was able to find a quick replacement…onyxs foster mothers/ aunties, the couple replacing me seemed nice, both couples were happy that they wouldn’t be the only gay couples in the building, the move was a little behind schedule but I was optimistic and I had worked out a compromise so the rent would be no more than one month late. Things WERE looking up…until I started noticing things.
One of the guys, the designated submissive or girl of the relationship is very much a drama queen. So much that it was causing problems in the building. They knew right from the beginning that I prefer to keep to myself to avoid problems. That I just want to do me. I fail to see what part of that was unclear because it kept happening even after I asked the behavior to stop. He wasn’t entirely to blame, the problem escalated right around when the girls who I was going to ask to move in with me showed up. His partner I don’t have a problem with. He’s hard-working, minds his own business and respectful. Frankly, I would have preferred him as a roommate.
While the favor the girls did me over the summer for Onyx was truly altruistic, the more I talked to them about their situation, why they were looking for a new place and why they were so willing to move into such a bad neighborhood considering one of them is pregnant and they have shared custody of a daughter, the more stuff didn’t seem to add up. Their story about how one of them got pregnant, why they’re moving, issues with transportation to and from work as well as issues with work…etc. none of it adds up.
My neighbor, the one whose apartment I was supposed to take, has been a red flag machine gun for the last week. Lately I felt as though I have lost control of my life, my home and to choose who lived in it, my ability to advocate for myself, make my own decisions because of her. There are some days I don’t even feel like I’m her friend rather I’m her pet. The more I talk to her, learn about her life, hear about poor choices she made in the past as well as bragging about poor ethical and moral choices she’s making now, the more weary I am of her. Even with switching apartments, the way the leases would be switched, gave me a feeling of losing housing security. I don’t believe the girls are innocent in all of this, I do believe that some if not most of the stories she told me about one of them are fabricated. they both have a dominant and a controlling personality. I believe that because of this, my neighbor does not like her and does not want her in the building. A kingdom only needs one queen.
As for all of them, they have been two faced to each other. There has been way too much gossiping and talking behind each others backs, a lot of he said/she said, generally too much suspicious and deceitful behavior. Conveniently most of this is when I wasn’t around. since I cannot confirm or deny anything nor was I in a position to take sides, I’m just choosing not to trust anyone.
For the past few days I thought maybe I was being paranoid. That my suspicions were based on a convoluted plot against me…for a couple of days I thought I was going crazy and needed a med adjustment. A couple of weeks ago my dosage was lowered to almost exactly one quarter of my original dose in order to start supportive vitamin therapy. I thought maybe I was having a bad reaction. I don’t think I could really express how frightening that thought is. This isn’t the first time I’ve questioned my own sanity and it paralyzes me with fear every time.
Last night or rather early this morning, I woke up and thought long and hard about everything. I made the conscious decision to be honest and tell Nick what I was going through and most of how I was feeling. Usually I don’t do that with my partners. I am so terrified to scare them away I hide everything. I feel really close to him and he takes an enjoyment out of analyzing people and situations, just like I do. I knew he would understand and wouldn’t be put off by it. I also knew he would be able to offer another perspective and help me to take a closer look at my own. I was right.
No I wasn’t being paranoid. I have more than enough grounds to be suspicious of everyone. I am justified in my discomfort with everything. no I am NOT going crazy. No it is not a convoluted plot against me, but it is self sabotaging, controlling and deceitful behavior with me caught in the middle.
See, people with mental illnesses do have a tendency to be deceitful and can be very good at it, which is why we can usually see it in others. We may not always know why or how we see it, we just know. Essentially, we can smell our own shit. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as we maintain an awareness of it and keep control of our own capability of deceit. Basically just being mindful of the fact that just because I can do something and well doesn’t mean I should.
There was certainly a lot more to the conversation but I am far too exhausted to go into detail. Fact is all of it gave me a very bad feeling. I feel like I had allowed people to give me the feeling of losing control. I feel like I was lied to by people I thought were my friends. While I feel ashamed that it took me so long to notice I’m happy that I noticed before I got in too deep.
I am proud of myself that I took back control. The couple have moved out and into the apartment next door and I’m keeping my apartment. I am NOT taking the girls into my apartment and I’m on the lookout for a new roommate. I am still behind on half my rent, I’ve dealt with the landlord on this before and he knows that I’m good for it eventually.
I’m not as better off as I thought I would be or had hoped, I’m certainly not as bad off as I could have been. I am going to have to rearrange my life once again and possibly cancel a few pre-existing plans in order to make things work, catch up on bills and move out of this neighborhood as quickly as possible, but I’ve been through so much worse than this and still come out on top. I got this.
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