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KissOfLife!

I just like the way it sounds in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

Revised: 10/12/2014 3:35 p.m.

Oct. 26, 2005, 8 a.m.
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I just like the way it sounds - 10/27/2005

So I just woke up a few hours ago, on my newly rostered half-day. So, as expected, I am shit bored. It is currently 12:30pm, and normally on a Thursday, I would be starting work right about now - funk soul lover lol. So instead, I’m starting at 4:30pm today. I just hung out my first load of washing on the line and have a second load in, as I haven’t been able to do it during the past weekend just gone. Well I guess I could have, I just slacked off and didn’t feel like it. So I figured I’m bored already, might as well try to get it out of the way. Getting it off the line once it’s dry will be the hard part for me haha. 4 hours til I have to start work, and I go through til 9:30. Oh well, I must say I was looking forward to my half day, which is today, so it’s great I only have to work for 5 hours. It just feels weird having my roster changed around cos of Stocktake yesterday.

Luke came over last night cos I received a message from him saying, ‘I know you don’t want a relationship, but I guess we can talk.’ - I didn’t want a conversation on messages or over the phone, and preferred in person, so he very kindly drove over to my place. We just watched Family guy and talked nornally, completely avoiding the topic, not intentionally, it’s just how we are. It was like 2am, when Luke said, ‘I thought we were suppose to talk’ and I said, ‘we were, but it got real late and I’m not sure how long it’s gunna take’. He said, ‘I’m sure it won’t take long.’ - Basically I told him that it must be obvious to him that I would love to have him back, and that the main reason I’m holding back on doing so is because of him moving to Toowoomba, the price of fuel and that I didn’t want us to crash and burn. He said, "If I thought we were going to crash and burn, I wouldn’t even be making an effort - i wouldn’t be here." he expalined he just finds the distance thing so petty, and went on to explain how some of his workmates have boyfriends in the USA and stuff like that who they’ve been going out with for 4 years and stuff like that, and another who lives in Melbourne, and they are completely in love. I explained, ‘but no-one ever expects anything these days, no-one expects to struggle or for a relationship to go downhill’ i explained about my ex-girlfriend, Fiona, how in grade 10, we had a long distance relationship, and I only got to see her 3 times in 7 months. Now I’m sure it would be way different for Luke and I because I now have a licence and a job to pay for petrol, but I think that’s just stuck with me. It failed the first time, why wouldn’t it a second, you know? Basically Luke said he respected that we both had different views on distance, and that he’d give me time and space to think about it, and that he’s not going anywhere. See, that’s what worries me - This guy is fucking gorgeous, he always has guys hitting on him, and here I am, feeling like I’m making him stall waiting for me to make a decision, when at any point, Luke may meet someone else who sweeps him off my feet. It makes me feel I have to rush my decision, and get the crap over with in my mind so that I can just feel alright, I guess. Like today, I woke up, and I feel pretty crap to tell you the truth. Luke left for work at like 6:30am or something, and would’ve let himself out the door. I left it unlocked. He slept in the spare room last night, after our conversation on my bed in my room. I guess I felt strange not being able to cuddle him when I really wanted to. I stayed up a bit later, and watched a few more episodes of The Golden Girls. That show makes me laugh, which was good after our conversation. I heard my phone go ‘beep beep’, which meant a message had come through and i was thinking, ‘I wonder if this is Luke?’ and I read it and it was, even though he was only in the room next door. i guess it’s easier to say things in messages. i know it’s a lot easier for me to express my thoughts and pretty much everything here in OD. the message read, "I’ll give you time and space don’t stress ok, it’s not worth it. I really want you in my arms right now, but you need space. U’ll be fine, it’s all gud (good)’. That boy can read me like a book. I thought about replying, but I might say something later on today. It’s unreal how much I care for that guy, but waking up this morning in this hot weather, i just feel like crap and don’t feel like doing much, or wanting to think much about stuff. Right now, diving into a pool of icy water sounds so good. It’s unreal how hot it’s getting, and we’re only in the middle month of Spring. Oh god, look out January :). Although it has been raining a fair bit hte last week. I hope it fills up Brisbane’s water-supply dams. And why can’t we hook up to the Gold Coast’s supply? Their dams are at 80-90% capacity!

I havent heard from Lauren, yet, so that’s good. i really can’t handle her right now. My mate John has really gotten into church lately, and it’s quite ironic, cos I used to be like that. Nowadays I’m lucky to be found in church at all, because I’m just sick of all the shit from other members that can go on there. Lutheranism has got to be one of the worst religions to be gay in - they try to turn you. John reckons the minister at his church has to be gay, and his is a uniting church, and I’ve heard that Uniting is accepting of gays in the church. I sure as hell know that Lutherans are more traditional. i feel bad saying that about my own religion my parents raised me as, but it’s so true. I just feel like the worst person on earth worshipping in a Lutheran church. Not any Lutheran church, just mainly SNL, the one’s back home in Pittsworth and Millmerran and Yandilla I feel fine in, but then again, there no-one knows I’m a raving homosexual lol. I’m not a ‘raving’ homosexual, I just like the way that sounds.

Well 1pm, and I’m still bored. I think my 2nd load of washig is nearly done. You can tell I’m bored when I’m talking about my washing haha. But it’s bad I have to do two loads. I have the fan on in here on full bore. Which is only slightly helping. I’m looking forward to a cool shower and getting stuck into the freezers and fridges when I get to work. My job is GREAT in hot weather, cos I’m a Perishables 3IC. Sometimes I’ll open the fridge door and find staff from other departments in there trying to cool down haha. Produces has it pretty good too cos they have a fridge, but it’s not as cold as ours. But still, two good departments to be in. And the store is air-conditioned, so that’s good. our freezers are starting to leak heaps of water at work though cos of the humidity outside.

Ok this is unreal. I’m listening to Fleetwood Mac as I’m typing this entry. Now I really didn’t know much about Fleetwood Mac, until now, and i realised I have heaps of their songs on my computer, so it’s just automatically playing through them all. I have really approved of, and like, every song I’ve heard so far! And they are all recognisable, like I’ve heard them before, but didn’t realise this was the band who sang them! Wow, I have newfound respect for this band, and now relaise why they are apaprently so famous.

So generally I feel like crap right now. I’m not sure what I want when it comes to Luke, but I know I definitely need him in my life one way or another. I’ve been going over all the options in my head. Some appeal to me, some don’t. I know once I figure out also what’s going on with Aaron, then I guess that will be one problem out of the way. I ahven’t seen that guy in ages. He’s a lot of fun, but I do know if he goes to kiss me when I see him next, I’m gunna say something about us just being friends, and explain my situation with Luke, and that because I don’t wanna hurt either of them, I need to have some space and just think things through. See, sounds perfect when I write it down here, but I’ll get when the situation comes up in real life, I’ll have trouble incorporating it. Is that even the right word? lol!

I think I might try to sell some of my stuff on Ebay, just to get rid of some of the crap I dont need here haha. I’ve been after Hilary Duff tickets off ebay, but people keep outbidding me. Oh well. I just dont wanna pay full price for a ticket haha. I got my Garabge ticket off ebay for $60, when full price it was $93 or something. Not bad. Does anyone buy CD’s on ebay anyone? Cos I’ve got way too many, it’s amazing how your collection adds up over the years. Anyone who didn’t know me and saw my CD collection would think I’m a weirdo - I’ve got such a vast selection - everything from Aqua (my very first CD I bought) to Rammstein, the German heavy metal band. Then I’ve got my country CD’s and my Christian/Worship CD’s and DVD’s haha. Well it’s nearly November so hopefully my DVD’s I’ve ordered off the net will arrive soon. One was Keeping Up Appearances, all 5 seasons, from an Aussie site, cos I only like the Aussie cover, not the US or UK ones, and the other one is from the amazon.com - the US Queer As Folk Series. I got it for like half the price overseas as for what I’d get for it here. I’ve got the UK version, but I don’t think it’s anywhere near as good as the US one is. Can’t wait for those. I finally set up my banking to pay my housemate automatically every 2 weeks, so that’ll be good I wont even have to think about it anymore. But I’ve been thinking about this place lately, whether I really wanna stay here. The lease funs out in February, and I’m gunna take holidays in April sometime, so I’m thinking I might move somewhere, with some younger, friendly gay guys. I would love to live with my mate Beau, cos he’s such a nice guy and a cutie, and he just seems to type of person I could be there for if I was a housemate of his. But anyway, that’s ages away, and it’s cool here with Neville. We’re gradually learning a lot about each other. He’s still determined to do me up in drag for Beau’s party lol - that’s gunna be hilarious, and even if it doesn’t happen, I reckon we’ll try it anyway to see how it looks and to take a few photos. Haha why not try everything once i say. My mate Lindsay reckons if he ever sees me in drag he’ll disown me as a friend right there on the spot haha - what a spoilsport, I mean honestly lol. It’s not so bad, it’s just clothing, and I am definitely not one to think I’m actually a woman in a man’s body, no I’m not like that, but it wouldn’t matter even if I was, cos a lot of guys around the world do think they are meant to be women. It’s amazing, and the more people i see being themselves and not giving a shit what other people think, the better i say! See, I’ve known my fair share of drag queens, but only one personally, and that was Rojer, friend of Nathan’s, when I first moved to Brissy back in 2002. I still can’t believe I’ve only been here for 3 years, god it feels like 10. That’s why I keep feeling I should do different things - like there’s so much out there to explore and do, but it’s just taking that leap of faith, that everything will work out great for your life, that holds you back. Yet I’ve done it a few times. Once moving to Brisbane, when I didn’t know anyone at all except my best mate Aaron, and once when I moved to Chermside to be closer to Mick.

Speaking of Mick, I ran into him on Monday when I went shopping. He was so surprised to see me. He’s been trying to ring me but each time I haven’t answered the phone in time. I’m thinking of getting another phone, so that I can call people without fretting about the cost of the phone calls. It’s why I hardly ever call my friends, which is bad. I would if I had cheaper call rates, and I’d love to have a camera on my phone, but then if I had that I wouldn’t use my digicam much. Oh well, it’s all about convienience these days. My mate John has even offered for me to come over to his house every so often so I can hook up to his DSL connection, as I can’t get it here. That’s really nice of him. As for the Ipod phase, I really don’t think I would use it all that much. Everyone seems to have one though. Well I’ve been typing for like an hour, but I’m bored and there’s not much else to do, and Fleetwood Mac really does get me in the mood for writing I guess. Aaron and I were meant to hang out today, but my work hours don’t fit around his schedule, so he wants to do something on Sunday instead. Luke has Sunday off work and is gunna go fishing if the weather is good. i hope it is. If not I guess he’ll sleep and watch DVD’s, and wants me and Gio to watch them with him. Also Mark wants to hang out Sunday as well. Dunno about that one, things are slightly awkward there. He’s a good guy though. Good news about Luke! He showed me a letter last night that indicates that he got a scholarship for his uni course!! woohoo!! He SO needed that, and had the most shittiest day at work ever, so when he got home and read that letter it really made his day ‘not a complete write-off’ - I laughed at how he put that. I don’t want things between me and Luke to be weird, but I know I’m the reason that it’s going to be if anything. I can’t help the situations my life puts me in lol. Maybe I just need to live and be free. I seemed to be doing alright when I had nothing to worry about. Haha, but reading that back, who’s life doesn’t.

If you’ve made it this far, you’ve done really well and I give you 4 stars :)

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

“Sometimes I’ll open the fridge door and find staff from other departments in there trying to cool down haha.”

I read faithfully till there, but for some reason I imagined you going into your kitchen at home for some beer; and when you opened your fridge you found staff from other departments in there, all tiny, embarassed people, and you go like ‘Oh, hullo Mike, how are you?’ [Nesstwy.] 10/27/2005 12:15:24 AM

And when Mike, pink-faced, says oh he’s quite alright, thank you, you say Well I’ll leave you to it then, and go back to watching TV. =)

The situation with Luke is really, really complicated. Long distance relationships can work, I guess, but there’s a lot of trust involved on both sides, and I suppose you’ll have to really believe in each other once more for it to work… [Nesstwy.] 10/27/2005 12:20:14 AM

Thursday? Starting work? Baby, Thursday is when you begin your weekend. =)

Ah, that’s how it is in Toronto at least. You silly Aussies and your work ethics. :rollseyes:

:licks: Take care bud. xo; [October Boy] 10/27/2005 12:45:08 AM

oh bloddy just go back out with him will ya!!!! he obviously still loves you lots and you love him heaps as you say and you guys know each other well enough to be able to make long distance work coz remmber long distancwe does not have to be forever long distance and you guys can be together in one place before long again so give him another chance!!!!! [mymindslife] [p] 10/27/2005 3:46:37 AM

(that was suppossed to say bloody not bloddy!) he obviously feels bad about all that crap that happened before you guys broke up and hell he told you your guys fish died!!!!! give your love to him a second chance!! [mymindslife] [p] 10/27/2005 3:48:13 AM

If Luke is so easily strayed then it sure wouldn’t stand the test of time anyway. If he is true then he wouldn’t really find the thought of other men appealing. That is if there is any correlation between the sexualities.

I read the whole thing - four stars for me. [The_Blind_Archer] 10/27/2005 7:21:54 AM

Yeah and thanks for the kind note, I really appreciated it. It’s an ego boost when I need it.

We are going out sat night, definitely me, Sean, Brett, and hopefully Andy. Hopefully you too. Anything with Sean in it is a crack up!

If you are bored tomorrow (friday) night - some chicks from audio are having a dinner at St Lucia and said to ask friends along. You’re welcome if you want [The_Blind_Archer] 10/27/2005 7:23:31 AM

haha, i guess i get two? sorry, i’m in school and the bell’s about to ring. hmmm . . . all i can say is that your entries are very detailed.
i promise i’ll catch up next week . . . that’s when my effing applications will be in.
[Prince Zidane] 10/27/2005 10:26:27 AM

You know it’s against the law here in Las Vegas to hang your clothes out to dry… Freaks…
Huggs Mermz
[Mermy] 10/27/2005 10:35:41 AM

Cool! I get 4 stars, LoL Have u thought of moving with Luke? Just a thought cause u mentioned u might move, etc U should live in Victoria, we r still having nites where we have to put the heater on & its sposed to be spring. Weather has gone wonky. Hope u have a gr8 wkend! :) HUGS [^v^SuGaBaBe^o^] [p] 10/27/2005 10:54:27 AM

i saw fleetwood mac in concert before :) and i really hope you can figure out the situation with luke soon..i hate thinking too much. haha.
xox
[[disco-lemonade]] 10/27/2005 11:59:44 AM

4 stars!! :)

RYN: Thank you, I really do appreciate your thoughts on my behalf. It means a lot.

I’ll try to get as many as I can in before I leave. So most likely…4 more entries including today?? [Sex Hound] 10/27/2005 12:08:56 PM

Hey I read all the way (4 stars, thank you) but I got held up at the part where you guys have HOT weather. What??? It’s cold and rainy in Melbourne, but even then our water storages are down under 50%. I’m so moving north.

Later :) [the_other_me] 10/27/2005 12:58:52 PM

go catholic!!!

LOL j/k follow whatever faith you want, if you want. i hear the episcopals in the states love the gays… but you probably have the more conservative anglican version where you are. [LegallyGay80] 10/27/2005 2:21:18 PM

4 stars. hehe.

Lovely entry. [Beez] 10/27/2005 3:49:59 PM

Big hugs to you… [LilGayBoiBluEyes] 10/27/2005 3:59:12 PM

Where are your jokes! I miss them, man! [~Wildchief~] 10/27/2005 4:12:52 PM

I think it’s ok to take your time and figure out what you really want with Luke. In fact, I think it’s advisable. You don’t want to lead him on, but you don’t want either of you to get hurt… so you’re in limbo. It’s a torturous feeling… but sometimes, until you figure your life out more clearly, it’s the best option.

RYN: Butch… is our stray dog. hehe [newbluechampion] 10/27/2005 8:48:59 PM

I guess time will tell when it comes to what happens with you and Luke. If it is mean’t to be, it will happen. Let nature take its course.
Happy Thursday. [pizzaguy184] 10/27/2005 10:40:28 PM

Dude, “don’t stop thinkin about tomorrow, don’t stop cuz it’ll soon be here, it’ll be here better than before, yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone” Just a little advice from Fleetwood Mac and me. Take care buddy!! (They are one of my favorite bands…on a funny note, they ARE my mom’s favorite band…so yeah, that makes me REAL cool. [C-Dub85] 10/27/2005 11:32:39 PM

I laugh every time I see the word “Rammstein”. It just cracks me up.
I think I can, with a fair amount of confidence, say that long distance relationships work. Your problem and the only thing standing in the way is your insecurities and fears and seemingly lack of self-esteem. Is it such a hard concept to accept that Luke is serious and might not break your heart? [Rachel Erin] 10/28/2005 4:31:18 PM

(cont) Sure, there’s the possibility that he will … and that’s part of love and life.
Once I got it through my head that Andrew loves me and that he wasn’t going anywhere, about 90% of my insecurities just vanished out of no where. It’s amazing.
huge hugs
You’re worth so much than you allow yourself to think, Matt. [Rachel Erin] 10/28/2005 4:32:45 PM

You have it all wrong!

You’re f^cking gorgeous and a total sweetheart.

If he didn’t stall and wait for you he’d be out of his damn mind!

XxX [On_Second_Thought] 10/29/2005 1:05:17 AM

I second that above note wholeheartedly! ^^

Kisses [~Wildchief~] 10/30/2005 6:09:53 AM

:~) [PetiteAnge] [p] 10/31/2005 11:43:44 PM

Last updated October 12, 2014

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