I have another RAD to do, but I should tell you that I went on Date #2 with Matt last week (last Tuesday, actually), and it was nice. But he kept telling me about all the women he used to date and how “gorgeous” they were. Dude. I get it. You’re a good looking man looking for a beautiful woman. And that’s flattering. But is that all that matters? He went on to explain that he simply must have attraction or else a relationship won’t work, and I understand that, but damn. I felt weird. And kind of ogled. At times he’d look at me like the Big Bad Wolf, licking his chops.
The other thing was that he was pushing so hard to see me and take me out on “the next 3,000 dates” and I realized that all of these lines worked on me when SexyPants said them (almost verbatim), but they absolutely weren’t working on me when they came out of Matt’s mouth. In fact, I was resentful. I wanted so badly to believe, but the words sounded like echoes from a ghost.
And don’t get me started on the Are you a sexual being? texts he’d sent.
He tried to text me all weekend, but I practically ignored him. I know that’s not nice, but I tried to get him to back off a bit. Finally, I got this:
I am thinking there is a definite loss of momentum, bummer
And it made me so very, very sad. But it’s true. I’m not into anyone right now. I hate myself. I sent this:
Hey. I’m really sorry. My timing is off and I can’t seem to get it back on. I agree, bummer.
So he actually asked me if he should cancel the date we had/have planned for the 18th (weekend after his son’s wedding). And I’m like…yes! I’m just not feeling it. And I’m so scared that I’m never going to feel it again. Because I ended up meeting another great guy after Matt, and not to spoil anything, but I don’t feel it for him either.
I am dead inside – at least for the time being.
Pretty bummed about that. I just want to be alone, I guess.
Therapy is OK. I’ve lightened up on trying to come to any kind of conclusion for the moment. I have come across several revelations that would be “duh” to you, so I won’t go there. But this woman loooooves to talk with me. Or rather, hear me talk. I think she’s fascinated by me, or maybe that’s how she’s trying to appear. It’s fine and good, and I like it so I will keep doing it as long as I feel like it’s something worthwhile. I am surprised by the amount of time she spends with me: 2 full hours each session, sometimes longer. I will need to ask her next time I go about how this is being billed. I went through my company, and they grant 5 sessions, so I’m not sure if that means 5 hours or any length of time for the session? Regardless, I’m closing in on the end of my work benefit and I’ll need to decide how I want to move forward.
Other than that, work is consuming my life. It’s always like this before a big, important trip to China for a few weeks, but I’m exhausted and stressed and annoyed by my staff. Don’t get me wrong, they do a pretty awesome job, but I wish I could just take a leave of absence for a few weeks. That’s kinda what China does, so I’m hanging in there, but China is not like a leave because it’s a super stressful trip.
The folks at work are sometimes so complainy. My staff, my peers, and even my CEO. And the higher up they are, they tend to gossip more. It’s weird. You’d think it would be the opposite, but man, does this company love drama. It’s exhausting. Get me outta here. Come to think of it, I’m quite ready to skip the country.
But the trip this time should be interesting. I’m traveling with my new boss who seems pretty cool if not very cool. I’m actually not traveling with him the whole time…but enough. I hope to make a good impression. We’ll see how that goes. Hopefully I’ll have a bit of energy to update from time to time.
I just saw that the director position at my old company was posted again. Hmmmph. They’d put it on hold and told me that they’d be in touch if and when it became available… I know I should take that as a sign, but I already sent an email to the hiring manager. We shall see.
Just thinking about something. I used to write all the time. How did I used to have so much more time than I do now to write things down? I wonder, no, I’m sure it’s Facebook. And now Instagram. I’m so sucked into both of those things. And I don’t even do a lot of updating there, either. It’s just that I get so sucked into looking, looking, looking…photos, videos, articles. I don’t want to miss anything. And before I know it, a whole evening is gone. What a waste. I should be face-to-face with people. This is why I will never find a new love. Not this way, anyway.
Whelp. I thought I had plans for tonight, but it appears that they are falling through. It’s 6PM on a Friday. I’m still at work and look like a loser. I may go home and write some more and be an even bigger loser. Any way you slice it, it appears I will probably lose tonight.
It’s OK. I still love you.
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