Tuesday Writings in Life

Tuesday Writings Feb-06/24 (Why did I keep saying Wednesday? Did I do that last week too?)

Alright, lets do this, I can do this, I can cut this up, I can talk about emotions vomits uncontrollably

All extremism aside, I am wildly uncomfortable with this entry but it is something that I recognize I have to do. It’s highly necessary and this is how I break it down, writing.

So when I was watching the last video, I’m fairly certain (Or I’m completely making it up) but it’s said that most people can pinpoint the exact moment they started to suppress/repress their emotions. Note to self, look up the difference between the two. (Repression is often confused with suppression, another type of defense mechanism. Where repression involves unconsciously blocking unwanted thoughts or impulses, suppression is entirely voluntary. Specifically, suppression is deliberately trying to forget or not think about painful or unwanted thoughts) There’s 3 moments that come to mind where I was like “Yea, just turn it off”

And it’s not like I have any soul sheering trauma (or Big T Trauma or little t trauma as the books like to call it.) Honestly, most of it feels self inflicted. But I suppose that’s what people say when they have to look inward about things that have gone wrong. Something, Something, I did it to myself.

Regardless, 3 moments.

The first one that came to mind was when I was sitting down with my Father and Brother and they were watching some sort of Comedy movie and I was laughing up a storm. Probably somewhere between 8 and 10 years old. Still idolizing my brother, and just entering my Bullied phase in school, I looked over and saw him stoically watching the TV, not even laughing barely cracking a smile and I thought “Wow, what a badass, I wanna be just like that” because to me, he seemed so in control at that moment. So dark and brooding and it really triggered the “Cool” effect in me. That was the start.

The other time was after I was disciplined or my father said “Better sleep with one eye open tonight” or something along those lines. It’s funny to me, in writing that, I see how fucked up that is. But in living it, it seemed so normal and looking back on it, it seems so comical like “Yea what a joker” but my response that night was to really look at what emotions are. Again in the 8-10 bracket. That’s pretty much where everything started for me, when I started to realize that consciousness wasn’t just something that happened to me, it was something that defined me. And I couldn’t sleep (Obviously) so I thought. A Lot. I remember conjuring images in my head and practising controlling them and keeping them steady and changing the size and all this other stuff. But sticking to the point, at that time I started to question what Pain was and I ‘realized’ that it was just another emotion that could be turned off. It was just like sadness, if I could ignore sadness and fear then I could ignore pain. I think I was pinching myself as practice at the time. Never liked cutting or breaking skin. Too many knife accidents I think. Well really just one where my swiss army knife snapped close on my thumb but I would have been 12 by that point.

And the third… What was the third again… I thought of it all last night or really since the last entry I’ve been thinking about this one and digging into this revelation. But there was the first time I took Ritalin. Fuck that drug first off. Second it was something I’ll never forget, it stuck with me so much. There was just nothing. Nothing going on in my head. I don’t know what it was about it, it was like watching in 3rd person, it was this bizarre sort of ‘following orders’ sort of drug. I didn’t like it and I think shortly after that I ended up stashing them or throwing them out when people weren’t looking, or at my stupidest, making a tape ball outta them lol. But there was just this blackness in my head, there’s no way to describe nothing without describing something. It was such an unfortunate position to put a child into and then on top of that to feel like no one was listening (Not even the therapist) It was just like “Why am I bothering to feel anything when no one cares what I’m feeling, or they feel negatively about how I feel” (The word ‘Pathetic’ was thrown around a lot when I did express emotions) I was a very emotionally soft child and very emotional until I just decided to start shutting down.

Fingers Cross I can prevent my children from having to go through something like that but also I’m sending them to school at a point in time where that’s where they’re most likely to be shot. So there’s that.

So that’s that.

I’m in public right now so in a sort of ironic way I’m repressing the emotions that I might feel from putting that all out there.

I’m also working on using emotions (internally) to describe why I do/don’t like something rather than expressing it in vague non-emotive descriptors. Like instead of saying “I hate going out into public” saying “I don’t like going out into public because large groups of people make me feel anxious because they’re unpredictable and it takes me out of my comfort zone and control of my environment”

That seems to be working… towards something. I seem, I feel more level headed these days. But also I’m coming down off a high and trying not to crash and burn. Also trying to maintain highs or make them more sustainable.

Wife and I have talked about figuring out what triggers the crashes (So far my guess is sleep as the main factor) and trying to figure out what creates the highs. It’s easy to say something like “Wins create the highs” but I think more accurately it’d be… what, 3 successes? I don’t know, there’s still a lot to unwrap here.

And you’re all along for the ride!

Last updated February 11, 2024