Wednesday Writings in Life

Every Wednesday I have an hour in a waiting room while I wait for 5y/o to finish Ballet. Here’s the one from the Wednesday just passed.

When it comes to figuring out the key to something, or at least the idea that leads to the key, it really only leads to asking myself more questions.

One thing that I’m working on lately is asking myself if the investment is worth the anger. As I am feeling a lot of anger lately. Not at any one particular entity or situation, although there are definitely sore spots in situations and identities but that’s not what compacts everything. One of the big things is Micro-aggresssions, it’s a hot phrase but I’m not using it in that context. Its a verbalization of things that make me aggressive in tiny little fractions of stupid actions by others. If any of you live near/pass through a school drop-off/pick-up then chances are you can already nod your head and thing of things that make you feel angry at the things you see in those moments… or situations. And the other day I asked myself, is this worth investing my anger in?

Sure I see stupid fucking morons do stupid fucking things that put children in danger on a daily basis but is it worth investing in? The easiest answer is “No” Not unless I want to call By-law and get them down there to watch people park half way though stop signs to pick up their kids. Thankfully I’m not driving at that point and I am but a humble pedestrian otherwise I’d lay on my horn until they fucking moved. Or the absolute idiots that do U-turns through cross walks. In the immortal words of my adorable little mimic “Just fucking drive!”

That really should have been the first sign but as introspective and self-aware as I am, I’m equally as clueless sometimes. It’s really a balancing act.

Beyond that, one of the outer-elements that effects me is how much sleep I get, and with an 18m and 5y it’s rare that I sleep through a whole night and when those things compact on top of compacting anger, I basically become a ball of hate-infused rage with little healthy outlet to vent it towards.

I do have kickboxing, which I love what it’s doing for my body, but fuck I hate going out in winter and driving there and doing fucking anything honestly. I feel better after the fact, almost always, but getting to the “After” is often the hardest part. I feel like we could say that about anything that makes us better. Yet the things that make us “Feel” better are the easiest to access and often imbibe.

Thankfully the price of things is excessive lately so that’s a pretty good deterrent. Like there’s no way I’m paying $20 for a 6 pack of tall-boy Budweiser. I could pay 10 bucks more and get 6 craft tallboys and get greater satisfaction out of it. Alas, the budget isn’t there for the vices.

Moving past that, Wife and I talked the other night and she said something about “Needing something that’s going to engage my pleasure centre for the dopamine release” or something to that effect. And my reply was “that centre is dead, it feels nothing” and she snipped back about how she “hates to hear me talk like that” Because she’s known people who talk like that, that have killed themselves. So I said “Okay” and took my glasses off and rolled over to sleep.

Maybe this one’s on me for taking it too literally but like… If you’ve known people who’ve killed themselves after talking like that, then wouldn’t silencing them be the worst thing you could do?

Anyway, after that shes was like “Are you mad?” and I was all “No, you said you don’t want to hear me talk like that so I’m done talking, if you don’t want to hear how I’m feeling then I’ll stop telling you how I’m feeling” Then I went on a rant about how she’s frequently denying me the ability to express myself because she doesn’t want to hear it or doesn’t like hearing it or saying things that completely invalidate my feelings like “It’s really hard to hear someone speak negatively about something I’d kill for the opportunity to do” So after that she got real fucking quiet and apologized for not being supportive enough with the things I verbalize. She asked me how she could be more supportive and I said I didn’t know but I would let her know if I thought of anything. Honestly if she stopped asking me every day “How’s the day been” with that pensive sort of edge that you ask an addict “how’ve you been” like ask what you’re really asking.

Either way the air seems to have been cleared on that topic, and I think I’m going to be more aggressive about when I need to have time to focus on sleeping, I’m also going to make sure I get good sleeps on nights where Kickboxing is a potential. Although I’m also debating about cancelling that because if I cancelled that and Ellie’s Ninja school (Which she’s not really getting much out of anymore) then that’d save me something like $240 a month which could be a big change for the lifestyle of 18m and I. Not that there’s a lot of lifestyle activities that you can do with an 18m old but going out for lunch and various “to-do” shopping would be nice to get done through out the week, and getting my Saturday morning back would be nice, and not having to cater to 5y while I’m doing my kickboxing would also be nice. IF I kept one but not the other.

It’s complicated. Having kids is complicated man.

Last updated February 03, 2024