The Elusive Number 2 in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

I’m sick of myself… or at least… sick of having the same problems and knowing I’m not taking steps to deal. Because the truth is… I haven’t the bravery, the resources, or the clear-mindedness to resolve or quit. After innumerable attempts to contact marriage counselors… it is clear to me that I am not meant to have one in this city. And frankly- I can’t get divorced. I tell myself it is all about honor and the promise I made but… that isn’t 100% of it. There is also my deeply ingrained personality trait to work harder when things get tougher. That same trait, though, will absolutely kill my marriage. Because my wife wants less and less physical contact, less and less conversations, less and less involvement… so I try harder. A dangerous cycle.

Recently, I did what no person should… I tried to play both Therapist and Patient in my head. Just to see where I would start. What I came up with? It feels like “get married” was simply something on my wife’s to-do list. She obsesses over those and feels distraught whenever a list isn’t completed. And it feels like that was what our marriage is. I have get married on my to-do list; I like this boy and he has no issues that would create a disastrous marriage. Married- check. Next item on the list.... Because there doesn’t seem to be any involvement.

But as I said- I’m sick of having the same complaint, bitching about the same issues, knowing that nothing is going to change. As miserable as I am; it is a comforting, numb kind of miserable and that is much preferable to the myriad of other miseries could be out there. Devil you know, and all that.

What I really wanted to do here is return to the project I started… the #2) that has been long coming.

2) Next on my “If I could time travel my consciousness within my own life” was my sophomore year of High School. In many respects, this year stands apart as one of the top 5 years of significance in my entire life. So of course- there is a lot I’d think about changing BUT… it is a classic Time Travel Paradox. It was so significant… how would changing things really affect events afterwards?

As most great stories, everything in my Sophomore Year mostly stemmed from 3rd Period Study Hall. You see… the first thing I would change would be how that simple 50 minute class-type was used. The “class” was in the lunch room… which meant that I rarely saw Study Hall as a time to study… it was merely another period to socialize with people (since that was what Lunch was.) If I could, I would go back and either take a class during that period instead; or use the time to actually study. Good grades, understanding, and a better use of educational time are big issues!

One of the reasons I so enjoyed the socializing in 3rd period was, you guessed it, because of a girl. You see… (Tiffany) the half-Japanese viola player I had known for a long time (and always been interested in) was in this study period. She was practically a genius. I would definitely change things here… but to be fair, I don’t know what. Would I have asked her out sooner? Would I, knowing how things progressed, not ask her out at all? These kinds of questions are why this project fascinates me. Even I don’t know all the things that would change, or how changing them would affect the future. And reexamining those moments, those periods in time that color the rest of one’s existence… there is something fun and exhilarating about it.

Ultimately, I think I would have chosen to ask her out sooner. I asked her out on Friday, December 17, 1999. That date will always live in my head… you always remember the first time you ask out a girl and she says yes. I would have asked her out sooner. Maybe sooner that month, maybe in November… hell, maybe even October. But… knowing when things changed… knowing how things changed… I would definitely want more time with her in 1999.

Fast forward that a bit… I would have kissed her sooner (and hopefully better). It was many many dates later and I kissed her (lip peck) in front of a movie theater.... I would have done it sooner, more confidently… and more adventurously… at least after a while. You see… I don’t think we ever kissed more than simply mouth-to-mouth peck… and I know that was my fault… if I had tried for more, I would have gotten it and… again- confidence and acting boldly… I would definitely change that. In fact, there were several moments where she was trying to hint at bigger and better things and I was too dense to understand. How dense was I? Well… one moment that burned itself into my brain (that I would seize upon via time travel)… we were watching a movie in my parents basement. I had my arm around her and she as snuggling in. She moved my hand a bit (I thought out of comfort) and it rested atop her right breast. I quickly apologized and moved it off of her breast. Yeah… I was dense and too obsessed with being the gentleman. Time Travel Style? I would have taken the opportunity that she had given me. If it had been an accident that she placed my hand there; I could have quickly apologized… if it had not been an accident, I could have enjoyed the boobie-touch and (very likely) we would not have broken up when we did.

Ah… the break up. That is another one of those moments to change in Time Travel, but also one that could be changed in two ways. In real life, she went to Mexico… discovered a LOVE for nightclubs… and came back wanting the Club Girl lifestyle. I was worried she was going overboard (at 16) into that life and she was worried that I was far too goodie-goodie to appreciate or enjoy anything fun. Now… this is a curious time travel moment. We were both right. I needed to lighten up… lightening up is a big thing I would change with time travel. BUT… an honors student at 16 that wants to go to night clubs is also an issue. So I would have done one of three possible things. FIRST- broken up with her as soon as it seemed things were changing. I waited to see what was going on and that was a mistake. SECOND- not broken up with her. Hear me out… by breaking up with her, I got to act as the “nice guy” because the only reason I broke up with her as that it seemed she wanted to break up but didn’t know how to do it. I should have forced the issue. You want something, you go after it… too often in my life, I’ve acted as though if someone else wants something, I can/should help them out. I don’t always have to help people… sometimes they can do their own dirty work. THIRD- joined in. Now, 16 year old me would balk at that idea and accuse me of being insane. But honestly… as long as I wasn’t breaking the law to do it… why not have some fun? Granted - as soon as under aged drinking or drugs entered into it… I would excuse myself quickly… but 16 year old me was so against Illegal Actions that I wouldn’t even approach the line… after this many years, I think I have the ability to follow a path without immediately believing that I will get to the end of it.

In the real world, I didn’t handle the break up well at all. That is something else I would change. I always treated break ups like huge deals. Like I had failed in some way. It never got through to me that maybe, just maybe, relationships had a natural course and some relationships just end. I do blame this on my Christian Upbringing because I was told “only date someone you could see yourself marrying.” Dating, for better or worse, was strictly taught as a path to marriage. So every break up was yet another “future marriage” that I had failed. Pretty fucked up, right? So I would definitely handle the break up MUCH differently.

That year ended with my trip to Germany. The trip where I met Buffy (whose name is Krystal). That was a magical trip… but again, I would have lightened up and had fun. I would have practiced my cello MUCH more because some of my favorite life moments come from playing my cello on that trip. I would most assuredly NOT have journaled as much as I did on that trip! Journaling and feeling awkward/messed up (because Tiffany was on this trip as well) really killed that trip for me. And y’know what? They were our of my league and likely… I would have embarrassed myself but..... a story....

In Germany, a lot of our bus mates knew that Tiffany and I had dated and had a bit of a rough break up. At this point in her life, Tiffany hung out with… what we could inaccurately call “The Cocaine Crowd.” NOT that they were using cocaine… I use that term to evoke what Cocaine means… Cocaine is the designer drug of uptight yuppies that think they are better than other people. It is the difference between Crack and Cocaine… that is the difference I’m discussing. Tiffany hung out with the “better than others” crowd; I hung out with the “we’re in a foreign country where nobody knows us, get over yourself!” ANYWAY… people knew I wasn’t exactly sure how to comport myself… but three of my friends (Kim, Laura, and Alison) had known me for a while. Kim was a gorgeous tiny Korean girl that rocked the Alternative Club Scene; Laura was a brilliant Caucasian cellist with alluringly dark features; and Alison was your typical attractive Valley Blonde. These girls saw the cellist actor and said “You dress like a fat guy. Wear this.” They had purchased for me some beautiful tight fitting clothes from H&M. Even I have to admit- I looked good in them. WHY DO I TELL THIS STORY? Because I never pursued any of those three girls. I still claim that I wouldn’t have had a shot with any of them… but all things considered… I should have made an attempt.