A common problem with those suffering from bi-polar, and pretty much anyone with a mental illness, is that we feel uncomfortable all the time. It doesn’t matter how familiar we are with a group, there is this constant discomfort. I believe we experience it in different ways.
For me, only recently becoming more acquainted with others like me outside of a clinic environment, have always felt alone in the corner. It is hard to build friendships and develop a sense of camaraderie with other bi-polars when clinics prohibit socializing outside. Because of this, it’s easy to feel marginalized, weird, alone, branded…words that I discovered we (mentally ill) all use.
One of the coping skills I use to handle the discomfort is observing the people I am with. Because of how fast our brains work, we are naturally analytical. Sorting and organizing those thoughts is the problem.
The dynamic of any group and how they split off is generally the same. Everyone pairs off with the people they are most comfortable, their partners. Those flying solo will join a couple or with another solo. Then everyone splits off by gender, then into smaller groups, by gender, for which they are most familiar. Occasionally when there is an outsider, each person will one at a time, go to them, become more acquainted, and then retreat back to the safety of their group. It’s fascinating and predictable. It also helps keep me grounded. Mostly I feel on the verge of a panic attack, holding on to that one constant helps me keep my shit together.
My boyfriend came with me yesterday to 2 of my friends joint birthday party. He also has type 2 bi-polar. Only difference is he has bi-polar manic (experiences manic more often than other episodes) and I have bi-polar depression (depressive episodes more often than others).
We first got there and we’re both leaning against the stove, I saw him watching. I asked if he was observing or judging. He said he never judges. I got an intense amount of comfort in knowing that he uses watching people as a coping skill too. See, I’m already familiar with these people but he’s never met any of them in his life. It must have been nerve racking, but I think he did amazing.
That’s just the thing. I’ve always felt alone in the corner because of bipolar. Even at BHN, there aren’t many people who are stable and have an awareness of their mental illness. For the majority of them they believe treatment is simply taking their medication and going to therapy. Even amongst them, I feel alone. Since I met him, I have been using self deprecating words like wierd, freak, abnormal alot less. I find myself more motivated to take control of my bipolar, advocating for myself, and being more diligent with taking my medication on time. Not because he is with me, but because I have met someone like me.
Social situations are a lot more comfortable. About a week ago he took me to the Big E. I didn’t freak out once. I didn’t even feel uncomfortable with telling him I thought I was going to freak out. I usually do you know? How do you explain to someone who can’t relate what it feels like? You can’t. You don’t.
Now I can tell someone. I can freak out. I can cry. I can tell someone I am uncomfortable and I need to leave and not be judged or made fun of. I can tell someone I need space and to isolate without them inverting, or be physically/emotionally needy…because he does it too…and I am totally ok with it.
I have never felt so not alone in the universe. I have never been this happy.
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