I will give this to them when they leave in Days of My Destiny

Friday 3rd October, 2014

Dear Donna and Greg,

I come from a home where things are said with the intention of being hurtful and spiteful. Many times in my childhood I woke up on a perfect Sunday morning to the sound of plates being thrown and smashed in anger; of shouts and tears and growls of frustration. I have learned to remember the better times and to forgive where needed. I have always known that my parents did what they thought they should under the circumstances. South Americans tend to be driven by instinct.

I’ve learned over time not to allow my anger to control me the way it has my father and the way it did my father’s father and his father before him. I have learned to breathe deeply, thanks to a counsellor and some wise friends. I have learned to walk away, or put down what I’m holding instead of throwing it. I’ve also learned how to speak in a way that is much more loving - largely in part thanks to you, Donna and Greg, for being the role models you were for L, and for being the example you have been to me for the last ten years.

Although I don’t define myself by my past, or use it as an excuse for my sometimes poor behaviour, I am realistic and know that I do still have a long way to go. This means that there are things I still don’t know how to deal with; there are still ways I don’t know how to speak; there are still times I feel at a loss as to how to behave; there are still times I act before I think. Sometimes I read into things too much. Sometimes I take things personally when there is no need.
Sometimes I don’t have much patience for some things, particularly to do with motherhood. I talk harshly and overreact.

But I am also deeply loving. I carry a passion for protecting what is truly important to me. I don’t do well in group situations because I am actually an introvert at heart and thrive in personal, one-on-one friendships. I forgive easily and soon forget what has troubled me once I can resolve it, because I like to get back to enjoying life. I LOVE talking about life and everything it entails, good and bad. I also love talking about art, books, music, philosophy, personal growth. I love making my daughters laugh and I love allowing them to be wild, crazy, happy. My aim is always to encourage others to be their best self, and to make them see, with specific examples, how wonderful they are when they don’t feel it or see it. I am an idealist, but I stand out from the rest because I fight with all my might to make my ideals a reality, and to align my values with my lifestyle. If something troubles me, I do not usually rest until I have pinpointed what it is and how to take action.

These are all parts of my private life that you may or may not have caught a glimpse of. They are parts of my private life that nobody really sees except L, who like me, is also deeply loving and fiercely loyal. He is a wise and patient man - a man whose love and wisdom strengthens and uplifts me every day and year of my life.

You may have noticed by now that I’m not always that cheery girl you met ten years ago. This is firstly because none of us are in the same stage of life we were in ten years ago, but it’s also because you’ve seen me in my daily routine over a period of days, rather than just over dinner or lunch or a birthday gathering that only lasts a few hours and where it’s easy to put your best foot forward. I can be cheery, but just like you, I’m not always. Nobody can realistically have a smile on their face all the time. You have experienced many of my faces in the many visits you’ve made.

Sometimes I’m serious, or pensive, or quiet, or in need of my own space. There are many reasons for this, and many of these reasons aren’t personal. It might be that I’m simply relaxing, or planning (sometimes I do actually plan ahead). Sometimes I’m just tired, maybe I’ve had terrible sleep and of all days the girls have woken earlier than usual. This in particular puts me in a quieter or more irritable mood, as it does to most people. Sometimes it may be that I am missing someone. Sometimes I am hearing music in my mind. Sometimes I might just be in a distant world void of thoughts.

But sometimes, I might be feeling distant from you, as you may sometimes feel distant from me. Sometimes I am quiet because there might be things that are bothering me that I don’t know how to say, if I should say anything at all. Sometimes I am feeling relaxed and completely normal, but I sense that you Donna are not okay, or comfortable. And I don’t know what to do with that. It throws me. I don’t feel that I can ask you if you are okay because I know you will answer with the best smile you can muster. I would rather you be honest. If you’re not feeling well emotionally, or if you’re missing home, or if you need space and quiet, or anything - please feel free to say so. I don’t expect you to tell me every detail, I won’t be offended. I will simply accept your words at face value.

I’ve never said anything about the things that trouble me because I’m afraid you won’t like the real me if I do. The reason I think this is because I know myself. I can be harsh without meaning to. I can be insensitive to others when I myself need people to be sensitive towards me. I can say things without thinking about the effect it may have on the other person. So when things might be bothering me when it comes to you, I prefer to say nothing, because I respect you and would never want to burn the bridge because of a stupidity on my part.

I have seen how you, Donna, are around people you are uncomfortable with. Usually these people tend to not fit your ideas of what a person should be. They make you uncomfortable because they might swear, or talk about things you don’t like talking about. I have seen how you avoid these people if you can help it. That’s fine, I’m not judging you for this. After all, you need to protect yourself too. But the thing is… I am one of those people. Not entirely, but parts of me are. These are parts I’ve foolishly tried to suppress because I know it doesn’t harmonize with who you are. I am loud and spontaneous, I make stupid jokes and I sometimes talk about things that aren’t pleasant, such as war, famine, injustice, pain. I know that in your family it’s not part of the spoken world if it can be helped, but I grew up talking about these things around the dinner table with my family. To me, war and famine isn’t pleasant, but by not speaking about it, I feel that we ignore it, or pretend they and the people it affects don’t exist.

Another reason why I don’t feel I can talk to you about issues is that years ago, before I even married your son, he himself strongly discouraged me from trying to resolve an issue with you. It was one night when we were engaged and I came to stay at your place for the night. You had lovingly prepared the guest room for me, but at bedtime, L begged and begged me to stay in his room (as by then we had shared a bed before). I was shocked and told him that his parents wouldn’t like it and that they had clearly prepared a separate room for me for a reason. But he begged and begged and in the end I gave in. The next day, the results were disastrous. I could see clearly what was written on your face: feelings of anger, of humiliation and of being betrayed. As soon as L left for work that morning, neither of you said a single word to me (and rightly so). A few days later I wanted to say sorry and tell you that I had made a terrible mistake and that it would not happen again. I wanted to say that I knew I had been disrespectful in breaking your rule and dishonouring you as my fiancée’s parents. But L told me not to say anything because it would make you (Donna) cry.

Being left without the chance to be myself from that moment - by speaking through this issue respectfully out loud - marked the rest of the journey we have travelled. I want you to know that I still am sorry for making the wrong choice that night in your house. I was angry at L for years afterwards for not allowing me to speak openly about what we all knew had been a problem. I know of course that he was simply trying to protect you by pleading me not to say these words.

But I have learned that it’s not just words that burn bridges; it’s silence too. And there is a lot of silence around us all when we are together. Some of it is peaceful silence, but some of it devours us like a disease. Thus I have decided that I need to speak up about certain things, because I am sick of pretending that everything is rosy in our world.

The thing is, our whole relationship is based on avoiding the awkward, avoiding the negative. And in doing so, we end up walking around with fake smiles that we both can see right through, and this only exacerbates the problem. At least for me, in my head it does. And I think it is a problem that we don’t simply TALK anymore, about good AND bad things. We don’t have to wrap ourselves in a bubble of pleasantries - we are family, after all.

I hope that you are able to read the rest of this letter with an open heart, an honest ear and an understanding mind. I am writing this as honestly and respectfully as possible; aiming to strengthen, not weaken, the relationship I have with you both; and with a view to move richly, upward and forward, together. I do not wish to hurt or disrespect you by writing these words.

I like having you visit. I like making sure your room is presentable and comfortable. I like making sure that you will enjoy the meals we will prepare. But I haven’t been honest. I haven’t spoken up from the first instance about things that have bothered or irked me, whether big or small. And for that, I apologise. Because maybe if I had, then you’d have known from the start, and I wouldn’t then go on to pretend for so long, and then this letter wouldn’t have been written. But… It has. I generally like to host, even if it is in my own haphazard way and to make sure you feel at home… but not to the point where it doesn’t feel like my home anymore. I think with your more recent visits, I have not felt that my home is indeed my home, due to a number of things that I have left unsaid over time. As a result, I have felt a loss of identity in my own home. This is not your fault, or anybody’s fault. It is simply the result of a combination of my past and my present; and the result of a slow process of finding the balance between being too eager to please and being my true self. This may sound abstract but I hope it begins to make sense as the words unfold.

There are some things you do or do not do, that I am either uncomfortable with, or that I find hurtful. There are three in particular that have caused me pain:

1) I was taught that it’s rude to talk quietly in front of other people. There have been many times where you, Greg and Donna, will discuss something amongst yourselves in hushed tones, while I am nearby. It could be the most innocent topic, but I will never know, because you are speaking in hushed tones. I find it offensive and so in my house, if you need to discuss something that cannot be within earshot of others, I’d rather you talk quietly in another room altogether and I request that this be the case from now on.

2) I do not like being ignored in my own house, which is how I feel when I get no response from either of you after a remark or joke I might make. I understand that you are both quiet people and that of course not all my jokes are even funny, but to not respond at all is not okay with me, especially if it’s obvious it is you I am directing my conversation to.

3) You know I don’t always have a cup of tea but when us three (Greg, Donna, Colour) are in the same room and Donna asks Greg if he’d like a cup of tea I would appreciate also being asked if I would like one. When you don’t ask, it makes me feel invisible or secluded. I know that you used to ask me every time, and I have only concluded that perhaps you grew tired of so many No’s from me (because I don’t drink it as often), but it still feels nice to be asked. Besides, there will always be a 50% chance my answer will be a Yes. And if it’s a No, it’s not personal. I also know that there are times when you do ask, but I have noticed that over time, there have been many more times that you haven’t. Maybe you have not realised this was the case - but it’s precisely why this letter is necessary. If I’m not present, then of course go for it, make yourself a cup of tea without asking me if I want one. But if I am there, please include me when asking Greg if he’d like a cup of tea.

The reason why I haven’t said any of these things before is because I’ve never really known how to say it or if I even should. I wouldn’t want to upset you for mentioning these things, but swallowing them up has, in turn, meant that I’ve swallowed up who I am and the way I do things. I’ve never felt that I could resolve an issue with you for fear of offending or hurting you - even if I say it as gently as I can.
But the point is not to hurt you, or make you feel like you’re in the wrong. Ideally I would mention things with this mutual understanding.

There are other things, smaller things that seem ridiculous to point out, but I will, because they are things that I haven’t been able to resolve for a while now and so they have built up and contributed to my feelings of despair lately:

1) You may or may not have noticed that whenever you leave the tea and coffee on the kitchen bench, I put them back in the pantry.
Time and again I put it back in the pantry, hoping you might pick up on the hint. But time and again I find that you leave it on the bench. I know you have a lot of cups of tea, so maybe in your house it makes sense to leave these items on the bench, but in my house, it’s one of those little things that irk me and it needs to go back in the pantry - just like it irks you in your house if the toilet seat is left in a different way to the rule you have, or if the toilet door is left closed instead of open when vacant. They are simple things but nonetheless they make up the comfort bubble that is each of our own homes.
I don’t try to change the layout of your kitchen when I’m in your house so I don’t see why you should change the layout in mine. I ask that from now on, the tea and coffee be left back in the pantry after making cups of tea.

2) Another little thing that irks me is that I don’t appreciate being cut off mid-sentence. It’s something I have carried with me my whole life. I feel validated and heard when I can complete a sentence, knowing you are listening to the entirety of my words instead of turning your whole attention to something else the minute something else pops up. The “something else” I am mostly referring to here are my own children. Sometimes they walk in to where we are, not aware we are having a conversation already, and will start talking to you while I am already talking. Of course they are your grandchildren and you love them dearly, so of course you will be all ears for them. But I must ask you to stop, for two reasons: one, because of how it makes feel; and two, because I am trying to teach my daughters to be aware of what is going on when they enter a room to speak to me (precisely so they can learn not to interrupt). I would appreciate it if you could help me in this matter by letting the girls know that mummy is talking and to wait their turn.

3) When I make decisions about something that we’ve been mulling over together, I don’t like being asked again and again if I am sure about my decision afterwards. I feel like my final word on that decision has not been taken seriously, or that my word is not being trusted. To me, a decision usually means the conclusion of trying to figure out a problem or plan - and if the decision is to change, it will be because I have thought of something further, not because I’ve been asked over and over again if I am sure about my decision. I am usually very relaxed about most things. Sometimes I may be uncertain about what to decide, but once I have made a decision, it’s usually final and I would like it if I am not asked if I am sure and so on afterwards.

4) I like clear benches in my kitchen, with as little as possible on them. I’ve never known what the etiquette is when you bring items of food. I don’t know which is ruder: to leave them there on the bench or to put them away in my pantry. I personally would prefer to put them in my pantry, so from now on, that’s what I will do, with the mutual understanding that this simply will clear space in my kitchen.

I know that you love me and that you don’t like seeing me unhappy, or the results that follow on from this unhappiness. I have seen you desperately attempt to create a happy environment in my home when all is not well. And I truly appreciate your efforts, but the only thing that’s been missing has been the freedom to simply TALK to you about issues that need resolving!

I know too that I’m not perfect. Nobody is perfect. Sometimes we can all hurt others without realising it. Therefore I would like to ask: are there ways you see I can improve? Have I been hurtful? Can I change things with myself or my behaviour to make your stay with us more enjoyable or relaxed?

I also understand that our lifestyles are very different. Your life is very structured and predictable, whereas mine is unstructured and unpredictable. I know that we both enjoy the lifestyles we have chosen and that we try to maintain it as much as possible. And I know that it mustn’t be easy for you to step into my lifestyle for days on end sometimes. What I’d like to know is: is there something I can do to make things easier? For example, would you prefer me to make a plan for each day of your visit? Would you like me to plan specific outings rather than wake up and leave it up to you? Suggestions are most welcome.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I have shown it to Luke and he supports my decision to give it to you. I would like it very much if you could both reply to it in written form. Please take your time. I have also prayed that this situation will be turned into a blessing. I am confident it will. I also plan to be as genuine as possible from now on and to be who I actually am.

Please take care and know that I love and respect you both very much.

With love,

Colour

Last updated October 02, 2014