smile when you wake up in 2014

5:42pm

Wow, I haven’t written an entry from work in a while. I guess this is what happens when you’re not sitting here seven days a week for 10 or 12 hours. It always seems easier to write in-between tasks at work though. I’m already in front of a computer and breaks are good for keeping my head from exploding. Only downside is getting distracted easily and/or not being able to finish before it’s time to go home. Also, apparently my super speedy typing skills are quite loud. =)

CK hasn’t been mentioned in a while, let’s start there. There are a bunch of those mixed feelings roaming around. Like this morning all I could think about was how this kid is breaking my heart. You know, with not wanting to be friends like I do. Of course I’d be the one to want to become friends with someone who is about to move away.

And I was going to say something negative here about how that’s just my luck, or welcome to my life story, or something else along those lines. I’m tired of doing that though. I don’t like the person I have become recently. I’ve slid back down into the hole of things that keep me unhappy. I want to go back to the way it was a few months ago, or last year, when things were changing and everything was all rainbows and butterflies. I like that side of me a whole lot better.

The dark and gloomy part of me is such a familiar thing. It’s comfortable. The place that feels most like home since I spent so many years living that way. I just never knew it could be any different. You don’t even know you’re unhappy until you feel what real happiness is. And that’s where I was living last year, with the real happiness. The kind that makes you smile when you wake up and sigh at how great your life has finally become. That’s what I want to go back to. It’s where I need to be.

So I’m going to try to cut all this negative stuff out again. I’ve still been keeping up with the daily positives, but I do them like a week at a time instead of daily. Perhaps it’s time to go back to that. Force myself back into that constant routine so I can remember it every single day. I’m going to read inspirational things and start lists of all the things I want to do. The stuff I forget when I get all bogged down in the daily routine. I mean work’s picking up soon and I don’t want to go into it feeling all dark and unmotivated.

I think a huge part of it was this whole Ck situation. I mean y’all know what I was like last year. Everything was different, and new, and what I thought I finally needed. And don’t get me wrong, a lot of it worked out the way it should have. It made a real difference in my life, but at the end of the day, it didn’t turn out the way I kinda thought it would. I let myself get all wrapped up in it. Mostly because I’m horrible at making friends and here was someone who was actually paying attention to me. It’s not like I imagined that whole thing. Him showing up at the office almost every week. So I guess I totally misinterpreted the situation and that’s my fault. I know better, but I let myself do it anyway because I figured it was time. That time to just go with the flow. Live in the moment. Take it day by day and not put so much thought into it.

In the process of doing that though, I kinda did the opposite. I let my mind wander even after I spent weeks blocking it out. I completely over-analyzed even while I told myself that I wasn’t. I jumped when I should have played it safe [like I knew all along..].
You know what, actually, no. I shouldn’t have played it safe. I shouldn’t regret what’s already happened. It’s done. I did what I did and I need to move on. It worked for me at the time whether or not it’s working for me now. That’s what matters. I did what I felt was right at that time. That should be enough.

See that? Me trying to change the way I feel and think about things. This seems good, no? :-)

Anyway, I got a text from him this afternoon. He has this habit of responding like two days later. I’d been trying to ignore my phone; not wanting to expect anything. I walked up front to dig through my work bag for something and decided to just look. I mean it was either that or I was going to just continue thinking about checking. There was the message, sent only about 10 minutes before I picked up the phone. The same thing happened last week.

We haven’t talked about anything too important. I imagine he’s under an immense amount of stress trying to figure out where to live, what to do, how to move on with life. Those are tough things for a 20-something. Of course I’m the type of person that wants to seriously dive into this and find out all things. I want all the innermost thoughts on it and the secret feelings he wouldn’t share with anyone else. But yeah. That ain’t happening with this kid. So instead, we’re talking about eating apple pie and drinking coffee.

Seattle’s coming up soon. [Yay!] If he’s not gone by the time I get back, and assuming that I will find and have the ability to bring back the irish death, I’ll hit him up for a stress relieving drink. I think it’ll be a nice way to both show my interest in friendship and maybe as a final goodbye. We’ll see.

rose.
11:27pm