big girl pants in 2014

9:06pm

I’ve been procrastinating on the writing lately. Lack of motivation, or something. I have a few things to say, but I still tend to do that thing where I come up with entries in my head and then never make it to the computer to type it up. I wish my brain could record these things for me and transpose it with little extra effort on my part. Now that would be fantastic!

Speaking of weird brain things: I was going to bed last night when I remembered I needed a receipt to do one of those restaurant surveys [the bartender/server is amazing and I like to tell them so] but Mom had the paper. I knew I wouldn’t remember once I woke up so I decided to try something. My brain seems to work really well with word-association. Like in college I would memorize facts [dates/numbers/names] by matching them to something I saw on the road [I always studied on the bus].

Anyway, I imagined myself reaching for my toothbrush and said the word, “survey.” The idea of this actually working seemed far-fetched but I was too lazy to get back up to write it down. Then this morning, not having had any thoughts about it at all, I reached for my toothbrush and BAM! the word “survey” came straight to mind. It took me a second to remember what survey but then my mind was kind of blown!

So amazing these brains of ours! =)

In other news: I’m taking on a lot more work at the office. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Part of me is worried about all the extra responsibility. It stresses me out even if it’s not “mine” so I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed.

JR reached out on Monday. Mom walked in to my room and said he wanted to talk, I panicked. I thought she meant he was outside and I was still sitting in my pjs. haha. Turns out he was just on the phone. He told me he wanted to move forward with paperwork. That he wanted to drop off some stuff and told me in confidence that things weren’t going too well at home so he needed to get things done a.s.a.p.. I gave him our hours that afternoon and he showed up with a couple boxes.

It’s kind of hard keeping secrets from Mom. Several times I wanted to do that thing where I tell her never to say anything and precede to spill the secret. She’s really good at keeping them too. But he specifically asked me not to and that’s when I know to keep my mouth shut. At one point he asked if he could speak with me outside. I hesitated on the inside because he said it all suspicious like, but I went out anyway.

He just wanted help with a box and I saw how the backseat of his truck was absolutely packed with boxes and paperwork. He mentioned a couple other things about the home situation and it not going well, but that was all.

There’s something about that guy. He notices little things that I wouldn’t expect anyone to see. Like he was back in yesterday and I was walking around trying to get some papers together. I sat down to look through a huge binder and he says, “so, I pace up and down the floor and you walk on your tippy-toes.” I pretended to be completely absorbed in my work and just said, “No, I don’t do that” in my most serious tone. A few seconds later I glanced over and he was smiling. But my point is that no one ever notices that. I mean, I didn’t even notice I was doing it at that moment. I know I stand on my tippy-toes when I’m hanging out behind the desk, but never the walking thing. It was strange.

He asked me what I was doing this weekend and I super hesitated because I thought he was going to ask about the wedding [it’s his ex getting married]. I lied and said that I didn’t have any plans. But he just asked if I was going to the concert they’re holding in the next town over. There are actually some semi-famous people coming and had this wedding not been happening, I might have honestly considered looking for someone to go with me. He said he wasn’t sure now if he was going either and I can’t quite figure out if he actually broke up with his gf/fiancee or if they’re just having a big fight. =\

And he’s a nice guy and everything, but I get weird vibes sometimes. Like I really don’t want to be his confidant right now. Especially not if they’re having huge issues and/or breaking up. Been there, done that. I’m not looking to be anyone’s shoulder to cry on. Or at least not for those particular reasons.

Apparently I have a lot more to say than I thought. Bear with me. Or skip to end. ;-)

The wedding is tomorrow!! I’m getting nervous excited. Like I want to go, but I’m freaking out about the strangers-third wheel-not so much drinking part of the night. Plus it’s my first big girl drive by myself.

I’ve driven plenty around here, but I do live in a relatively small town. I’ve done some highway driving and recently it’s been a lot of back road, curvy, middle of nowhere driving. But never have I done a 2.5 - 3 hour drive by myself, no back up. It’ll be interesting.

I was having a harder time with this yesterday, but I finally looked up the directions today [more of that famous procrastination] and it turns out that after about 130 miles I’ll cut off to some old back roads in order to get to the actual wedding location. I thought it was going to be a lot worse. They’re not actually in the city though and that means a whole lot less traffic and less people to deal with. My road rage gets a little worked up when I’m alone in the car. haha. This won’t be bad at all. I’m excellent at back/small roads and I don’t really have to drive through any major cities. At least not any that should be busy on an early Saturday afternoon. Yay for that!

Mom’s volunteered several times to go with me. She says I can drop her off at the casino on the way and pick her up when I’m done. Swears it won’t be a problem for her to stay into the wee hours of the morning. I don’t feel right about it though.

Initially I thought about taking her with me. But L’s invite didn’t include a plus1 and I certainly didn’t want to assume. I’m sure, if I asked, she’d be cool with it, but it felt weird. I know these things aren’t cheap to host. Plus my selfish side came out. I haven’t seen some of these girls in years and I kind of want to hang out with them without feeling guilty about not including Mom. She wouldn’t know anyone there except the bride and the bride’s mother, both of whom I’m guessing will be busy. So there’s also that.

[sidenote: the other day when I was over at CK’s someone brought up Mom. He ended up saying something along the lines of her stealing the spotlight all the time, or getting all of the attention. I half-laughed and said that that was her personality and mostly I let her. I prefer to hang out in the background. But it completely surprised me and caught me off guard that he would say that. Like why? Where did he come up with that? Do I give off some weird impression? I didn’t want to ask but I really wanted to know. Like how could he possibly read that from my face??]

I’m just gonna go on my own and figure it out. I want to experience a long car ride like that. I’ve always fantasized about taking off and driving to the ocean on a whim. Or anywhere really. On my own. To get away. Maybe that’s a bit selfish, but it’ll be harder for me to deal with the guilt of stranding my mom out in the middle of nowhere, or alone at a table, than that of leaving her safe at home. She has plenty to do here anyway. And I do realize that she’s probably going to worry until the moment I open the door [I mean, we all recall what happened last week with the CK visit. geez] but she’s gotta learn to deal. [I also suspect that that’s why she suddenly really wants to hit the casino!] I tried to explain things to her in the car today, but she thinks I’m weak and incapable of defending myself. Because I never lived on my own, or moved to college knowing zero people, or took care of myself on early morning/late night public transit. Yeah, that never happened....

Anyway, I still got to put the gift together. I was looking for this picture of the two of us in kindergarten, but I couldn’t find it. It was going to be the perfect addition to my gift but oh well. I’ll send it to her later.

I also need to decide what to wear. Mom still strongly dislikes my choice. Says it’s not fancy enough. Something about it having sleeves? I guess. But it’s comfortable. I’ve gotten compliments on it and I feel really good in it. That’s what should matter, right? Better than walking about completely self-conscious and lacking confidence. I’d rather strut around in an ugly dress. hah.

Ok I spent 10 minutes looking at pictures of semi-formal/cocktail dresses online and other than the super slutty stuff, my dress fit right in. There are plenty of nice ones with sleeves and yeah. I don’t even care. Unless I try it on in the morning and it doesn’t fit [fingers crossed this doesn’t happen!], it’s totally happening. And I’m debating on black heels, with flats in the car, or just the flats. We’ll see.

This conversation is getting too girly for me. Next I’ll start talking about how to fix my hair and make-up. hah. No thanks! ;-)

rose.
10:11pm