chasing the sun in 2014

10:56pm

I am going to try to type this up real quick and hopefully work on better sleep habits tonight. I don’t really know what I want to say exactly, but it’s just one of those nights when you feel like putting words to paper [or screen?].

Things have sorta been all over the place for me lately. I was doing so well and all of a sudden I find myself back in a mindset where I didn’t think I’d be. I even feel kind of weird writing about it. Like I don’t want to give it any attention for fear it’ll take over again.

There have just been a lot of nights where I feel so emotional about everything. I’m trying so hard to not dwell on all the things that have/are happening to me, but it always seems to come up and I can’t figure out how to ignore it.

I just want to be healthy again. It’d be nice to be able to roll out of bed in the morning and not struggle. I realize now how much I’ve always taken that for granted. Being able to stand up and move around freely without a care in the world. I appreciate that so much more now. I notice it and I relish every one of those moments.

I’d hate for the rest of my life to be this way though. It’s not so much that I’m in any sort of pain, but it’s still holding me back from everything I want to be able to do. And not being able to do things for other people is really what kills me the most. Like not having the ability to help Mom do something around the house, or getting tired so easily, or seeing the way she watches me. I know she worries, and I wish there was some way I could convince her not to. This is mine and I don’t want her to suffer along with me. It isn’t fair.

So that’s what has me feeling down. I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I’ve lost motivation. Stuff doesn’t sound fun anymore and I really need to find that inspiration again. Because I still love my life. I appreciate it. I enjoy living it for the most part. I’m just having a rough couple of days.

There’s also this whole CK thing that I am forever dealing with. I realized the other night that maybe I’ve been pushing him too much. You know, with all my suggestions to hang out and what not.

I never really thought about how he must be understanding things. Like if I say he should invite me over. Maybe he takes that in a romantic date sorta way and I really just want to hang out and drink a beer on his front steps. The way he is with all his shyness and stuff. I didn’t take that into consideration. Maybe he thinks there’s a lot more to this than I want there to be. Sometimes people get the wrong impression from me. And I wasn’t thinking about that at all.

So I’m now trying not to push the subject so much. Let him figure it out on his own terms. That seems fair. I mean, I’ll probably never be able to understand why he’s having such a hard time with this, but I have to try. We were raised in completely different ways and I’ve been thinking that I was really quiet and shy all these years, but he’s got me beat. Ten-fold.

He did finally send me a message earlier today. It was a picture of a beer [why do I always bond with people over alcohol? ;) ] and he said it was the best he’d ever had. He got it up in Washington.

My first reaction was to send a reply about how he should share. But this new me decided to hold back and I just asked where he got it. He told me it came from his cousin but that if I were “in the neighborhood” he would be willing to share. Since he lives out in the middle of nowhere, I said that I was only ever out there for babysitting [not a good combo with beer] and that I couldn’t just show up without an invite. He replied that that was an invite. hah! Missed that one, I guess.

So I tell him something about how giving me an open invite is a bad idea because I might show up in the middle of the night. He says it’s ok any day, any time. And something about good luck waking him up at 3am, but if he’s already awake drinking it would be fine. I mentioned it might be strange if his neighbors caught me driving up at 3 but we’d figure something out.

He just can’t take that step though. I mean, an open invite?! Why can’t he just say, “come over tomorrow. we’ll try this thing out.” It’s not that hard. Especially since I already invited him over to my house and it’s kinda only fair. I’m certainly not going to invite myself over, even if it is any day/time. Are you kidding? If he’s too shy to set a date, I’m way too shy to call him up and say I’m coming. hah.

I’m not pushing though. ;) Just keeping this all too myself. But I’m definitely not going over there without an actual set time. As much as I want to try that beer!

I’ll just have to pick up some myself next month when I’m back in Seattle. :-) Yup, I purchased tickets today. Made it official. But I decided to fly back home instead of straight to Dallas. It’s going to be too much to have to pack for convention and the family reunion that far in advance. Plus I’d be gone all month and we are pretty busy at work. I’m still going up for two weeks, but it won’t be quite as bad. There are so many things I want to accomplish in this one final trip. I’m going to have to start making a list a.s.a.p. and I kind of hope that this will be what I need. To get away, spend time with friends my age [Yay for Marie not being pregnant this time!!], and enjoy my family. I better get it all out of my system before I start working seven days a week again!

For not saying much, this has taken a long time to write. I need to crash here soon and get ready for this week. We’ve got a lot to accomplish before I head out of town again.

rose.
11:43pm