December And Bits in Scottish Meanderings

I've been trying to get this entry written for weeks now so I'm determined to make some headway with it this evening! December is always such a stressful month because I can't pace in the same way so doing stuff for Christmas means other things fall off the radar then I have to play catchup afterwards and most of January is spent doing that!

I'm not sure how to combat this - I've tried to pare down as much as I can for Christmas - I now only buy presents for Nikki and the kids because the kids in the family in total are numbering 16 with number 17 on the way so that was getting too much but we seem to have ended up buying around 3 presents for each of us which is ridiculous. Then something like the decorations took me literally 4 afternoons to do because I had to do it in stages. And I only mainly decorate my wee sitting room so that's crazy!

One of my friends bodyswerved the decorating this year, wrapped all his presents in tissue paper and didn't bother with cards but that sounded a bit miserable so I don't think I'm there yet. I like the shiny sparkle of the decorations and the Christmas lights - I would hate not to have that and there are a few folk I only keep in touch with at Christmas with a newsy note in their card so I don't want to lose that either.

This is roughly half the room so it's not like it's a lot of decorating but I almost didn't put those letters up this year - it was like a Bridge Too Far - but then I just couldn't miss them out because they've been on the go since Nikki was little - before that actually I think - I can't believe they've lasted this long!


And I had to deal with this standoff from my two Santas - the big one is getting too big for his boots and thinks he should rule the sitting room so was ordering the little one about but he stood his ground although had to get relegated to the hallway in the end. I gave him an extra bit of tinsel to compensate :)


I managed to get to Ruari's Nativity Play which I was glad about as it was at 9.30 in the morning so a very dodgy time for me but I hadn't slept the night before so decided just to get up and go out and was so pleased I was able to see him. No shutting down this year - he belted out all the songs with gusto and did all his signs and coped with his too-big headdress continually falling down over his eyes so he did well.


I got into a funk afterwards on the way home though and couldn't really figure out why but when I delved deeper I realised it was because I would have really liked some acknowledgement from Nikki of the effort it took to get there at that time in the morning. Nothing much - just 'I'm so glad you made it' or 'Ruari will be chuffed to see you' - just something and there's never anything. I wish I could change my reaction to it but it's hard when it's something you feel should be there. However I took myself off to the beach and had a good walk along the prom before going home watching some spectacular waves crashing against the breakers - 10 minutes later all was pretty calm again so I would have missed that had I gone for my walk in the afternoon like I usually do.


Went out to Nikki's on Christmas Day and that was fine - it's exhausting as the kids are always high with all the excitement and presents and sugar and we play lots of games to keep them going after the meal - same with Hogmanay - I was out there then too and we played lots of games to keep them going to the Bells! They all made it though :)

And I managed to a couple of concerts as well - one was one of those candlelit concerts again - I went with a friend this time - Fiona has been on the same withdrawal journey I'm on so knows what I'm going through. And the other was Phil Cunningham's Christmas Songbook which he puts on every year - Christmas/Scottish music mainly - my cousin, Jane, manages Eddi Reader and Capercaillie so gets the family complimentary tickets for any concerts they're in so it's nice because I don't have to worry about wasting money if I don't manage to go. It was really good - Eddi and Karen (Matheson's)'s rendering of Ave Maria is worth going to it for on its own - their voices are absolutely beautiful together. And it was the first time I felt really bad all day but a bit better after going to the concert - that's never happened before so that was encouraging.



And now we're into a new year and I really hope it's a better one than last year. I get that it looks from my monthly entries like I'm doing much better now and getting out to more stuff but 90% of the time I feel really unwell, am very fatigued, have very low mood, crap sleep, bowel/bladder problems, tinnitus, ear worms, head pressure/headaches, dizziness, only able to eat 1300 calories a day to keep my weight stable, unable to feel any kind of joy/pleasure yet and still unable to do a lot of the basic stuff on a regular basis. All down to the drug. But there is a sense that there's a very general overall improvement so I'm hanging on to that. I get a lot of support from the withdrawal community - I honestly don't known where I'd be without them.

And I read a book in 3 days the other week! That's huge. It was on reincarnation and past lives (Many Lives, Many Masters) and was absolutely fascinating and I think it actually really helped me to see this period of my life is just a blip in the middle of the Big Picture and one day I'll be able to look back and see that but right now, that's hard because I'm still so steeped in it. My reading ability is definitely getting better though and there are many, many books sitting here waiting to be read so I'm looking forward to getting through some of them this year.


Boyd isn't doing so well though. Bev phoned Nikki to give her an update and he's getting confused often and spending a lot of time in bed - that shocked us - that's so unlike him. The confusion could be Korsakoff's Syndrome from the alcohol which is very common in long term drinkers but she said she hauled him to the doctor's and he got blood tests which seemed to come back clear so that's confusing because that sounds like the liver is undamaged. She said he was determined to cook Christmas dinner but it ended up being burnt to a crisp and they had to resort to crackers and cheese - that also shocked us - he was a very good cook and always made an excellent job of the Christmas dinner - to burn it must have been so upsetting for him.

I find it very frustrating that I can't find out the news first hand - Nikki's not the sort of kid to care enough to keep in touch and ask how things are so it's only if Bev gets in touch with her that I find out anything. Bev fell out with me over the whole Roman Catholic débacle but I did reach out to her on Messenger last night and offered support - however we're not friends on Facebook so the message may go unnoticed and I'm not even sure if she's blocked me from years ago in which case she won't see it at all. I just have to accept there's nothing I can do and that Nikki will update me if she hears anything. It's hard though.

And I might be getting my paving done at the beginning of February so that's exciting! The landscaper was round the other day to fix the gate and said his wife had been having severe pain in her back last year and they kept getting fobbed off by the doctor with muscle relaxants and painkillers but it was so bad she couldn't walk. This went on for weeks until they saw a different doctor who had her whipped up to hospital the same day and she had an operation soon after. The Consultant said it was one of the worse cases he'd seen. So poor Rob had to take time off work to look after her and now that she's had the op she can't lift anything for 12 weeks so he's Chief Cook and Bottlewasher as they say around these parts!

Thank God I got to know him quite well before all this stuff happened (he was in a car crash, discovered there was something wrong with his heart while in hospital, tore a bicep not long afterwards, got Covid twice then this thing with his wife) because I would have been really suspicious otherwise I think! I said to him 'what the hell did you do in a past life to deserve all this??' Poor guy - his business has suffered quite a lot through it all and it'll take time to build up his reputation again I'm sure.

I made some resolutions but I'll save that for the January entry. I'm going to keep doing an entry a month because it's still a challenge but quite good in that it provides me with an overview of the year and lets me see I'm getting to stuff.

And then I got the Big Panda when I tried to post! Glad it’s fixed - I’m so appreciative of the work Josh does to keep this site going, especially when it’s not his main job.