Pour me another in A new beginnging.

So my obsession with Doomtree…
Once upon a time I dated this guy for like 4 years.
ha
But he liked Doomtree. He would listen to it in my car all of the time. I quietly let the lyrics bounce around in my head and would secretly listen to some on my own. I couldn’t let on that I liked it because it was some sort of thing he shared with his ex girlfriend and GOD FORBID I like that music too?! Exactly. Wait. What?

Then the break up happened. I moved out of an apartment I loved and had to commute back and forth to a job that I couldn’t wait to get out of. My life was changing so fast yet I was forced to go back to the place I wanted out of 4 times a week. I was always on the hunt for old CD’s in my car, ones that weren’t Adele and “I just broke up with my boyfriend and just want to drive my car into oncoming traffic!!! music (haha) I then find this multicolored disk in my drivers side door. It is POS. I listen to it on repeat for about 2 weeks.

That was that. I finally let myself ADMIT that I liked it.

So yeah that went on for over a year. I dabbled in the other albums and songs and I couldn’t get enough.
But I still felt like it wasn’t my own.
Then Blowout 9 happens. I think to myself, “I can’t go to this show, it isn’t me. He would think I was dumb or think that I wasn’t cool enough to go”
So then I just booked it.
That show blew my freaking mind. Something hit me. Something snapped. Something broke free. It was like everything else that that music was connected with inside of me went away. I stopped telling myself that it was “Josh’s thing” or that I had to be a different person to like it.

I realize this sounds a little stupid to write a whole entry about this. But people are always like, “you are like obsessed with Doomtree”

And it is true. And it seems like I am nuts about it because for 4 years I tried to pretend I hated it.

So now I go to every single show that I can. I read every article I can. I listen to the interviews.

But there is that part of me. That fear that one of these days I am going to see him. Because after all of this. After months now of zero contact, it literally scares me. It is “Ghost Town” -that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie sees Aidan at the bar opening…that is how I feel.
Except I do not want to see him. I don’t. I promise on everything. But if it happens, more likely than not it is going to be at one of these things.

But this is why I will drink a little bit more, and why I will be juuust a little more into the music, and why I will smile just a little bit bigger. Because that is ultimately what we all want. To be seen as ok. To be seen as happy and together. To be the person that he broke, but the person that YOU put back together. To know that you didn’t just shove the pieces into spots, you left the holes there until they could fit correctly.

In case you are wondering, I am stoned.