yes, but no in 2014

11:06pm

Well I’m definitely a walking contradiction. It’s been like that for a long time but for some reason it still surprises me when it happens.

Like I said that I just needed to get CK to invite me over to share a couple beers on that porch, right? And after our conversation yesterday about invites, I responded today and said that I didn’t invite him because he said his phone would be off and that it was his turn anyway.

So he responded back and said something about how “the parents” would be gone and maybe he’d come up with a beer drinking plan. He also asked if I played poker, but I’ve never taken the time to learn.

I didn’t ask, but I’m trying to figure out if by “parents” he’s actually talking about M and J. I know they’re going out of town next week because the kids are staying at my neighbor’s house.

I always kind of felt like he didn’t want to invite me over because they live about a stone’s throw from his house and it would be awkward. Even I felt like that. I mean if they saw my car/me there I would feel obligated to say hi and they might get all kinds of weird ideas about us.

Here’s the problem though: I’m getting total anxiety with just the possibility of him actually inviting me over. There wouldn’t be a buffer and we’ve never spent much time at all together without a buffer nearby. And of course with all my social anxiety and fear of the unknown, I start thinking worst-case scenario about how that whole thing might turn out. Like we wouldn’t have anything to talk about and it would be completely awkward.

A part of me would almost feel better if he invited a bunch of other friends over. It doesn’t even matter that I wouldn’t know any of them. At least there would be less pressure on us.

And still there is another part of me that feels like I don’t want him to get the wrong impression either. I joke around a lot, and I’m good at talking the talk, but I certainly don’t want to walk it. hah. I don’t know how to actually interact with guys on a more than friend level. I’m weird, and shy, and inexperienced. Plus I have a habit of running away if someone gets the wrong idea and/or thinks this is more than it is. I like to move slow. I’m totally the turtle in these scenarios.

So, I’d go if he actually extends the invite, but it certainly wouldn’t be without anxiety. It’s very possible that I would freak out over nothing though. We do seem to have quite a bit in common and I’m sure it would be just fine. You know, being alone out in the middle of the wilderness with at least 15 minutes to the nearest road doesn’t seem like it could be an issue at all! heh. =\

None of it is even a thing yet. I’ll stop worrying about it.

We were invited out to a BBQ birthday thing this evening. The guy’s a client of ours and Mom knows most of his family. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned JR in here. I know I brought him up in the OD days, but they’re brothers.

Mom saw him earlier and he asked her several times to go out to his house tonight. She kinda felt obligated to make an appearance and it seemed like he really wanted her to stop by. Since I was invited along, and felt guilty for making her go alone, I joined in despite the hesitation. The only one I really talk to is JR and he wasn’t going to be there.

It turned out really well though. We went after church and everyone was so welcoming. His mom met us out front and then walked us inside. His sister took it upon herself to walk us around the house and introduce us to everyone. They all tried to include us and everyone was real friendly. His sister made us some drinks and then, since we didn’t eat, she sent us home with a huge bag full of food. It was really nice and of course my initial hesitations vanished pretty quickly [as per usual] and I’d definitely go back if I were invited again.

Sometimes you show up at someone’s house and it feels so cold and strange. Everyone seems to be off in their own little circles or whatever and those are the ones that give me so much anxiety. I hate that feeling of just sitting there by yourself and no one tries to get you to join in. I’m not very good at jumping in myself because I don’t want to interrupt or be a third wheel. But when you meet people, like tonight, and they’re all so friendly, it makes up for all the bad situations you get thrown into. It’s kinda rare too. So it was nice to have such a good time with them.

Also, you should know that I don’t really have that much anxiety on a daily basis. I just tend to come in here and write about all the social situations I get put into and that’s where I’m all quiet and shy. I’m really good in work situations and I can be open and crazy with my long time friends. It’s just the new people and new experiences that drive me nuts. Which is what people tend to talk about in their journals. heh. I am much better in person though! :-)

Now I have to go to bed so I can be up early to clean tomorrow. We’re having people over again and I need to get a bunch of stuff done in the morning before the sun gets too warm.

Night.

rose.
11:51pm