Jan Two. in These Foolish Things

Back to work. Back to the grind that just doesn’t really feel like a grind for some reason, and yet, I have soooooo much to do!

I am walking around full of worry, and every day there is more to worry about. The decline with Mom and Dad is happening quickly to them both at the same time! Mom can’t get words out and Dad is killing himself trying to keep her alive.

Today I found myself wondering if the docs don’t feel so much urgency with my mom because of her age and her condition. I mean, I get it. She shouldn’t even be here after that massive pulmonary embolism.

She had an MRI done today that didn’t go smoothly at all. The staff couldn’t get to a vein to administer the dye, so she had it done without contrast. And the thing is, what are they going to do with the results? I mean, I think it will tell us if she has had strokes and if there are risks of more clots, but WTF then??

I don’t know how much more I can worry.

What are the things that I can control?

I can help make phone calls. There’s not really a need for me to physically be there - unless my dad can no longer drive. And here’s the thing: mom can’t keep track of her own appointments. She has no clue what she’s going to do, where she’s going to be…or really, does she even know what DAY it is??? I honestly don’t think so - and when I ask her things, she can’t get the words out.

I feel like she’s just waiting this life out. And my dad does everything for her.

But what happens when Dad can’t do things?

I wasn’t going to write an entry about them, but it’s all I’ve thought about today with the exception of work…and that’s a whole other story that I wanted to write about too. Not a bad story, but Mom and Dad are overriding everything right now.

Please don’t tell me to do something quickly. I’m pushing really hard for things to happen, but my dad is doing some serious gatekeeping for now. He’s accepting help with cleaning, etc. but he is keeping me away from mom’s doctors and the big things. I kinda get why - I pissed off the emergency urgent care doc when they were trying to get mom into a hospital room as she was suffering from her PE and dad remembers that well. So I think he’s trying to keep the peace. But it’s time for some tough moves soon.

I’m tired. I think I’m going to bed.
Love,
GS