Bear with me, please. in Secrets from myself
- Oct. 26, 2013, 11:35 a.m.
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- Public
I tried to write in the other place, my love, the place that owns me, that I own, and I couldn't. Twice now. Last night and this morning. It's there. But I am locked out. I am losing a lover. It's a slow, gradual loss. The days he smiles at me give me hope. But the days and nights he looks the other way, when he won't return my calls, when I see him with other women, those are the times I know I am losing him. I want to give up. I want to pretend he never meant anything to me. I want to pretend my life, seen through him, did not exist.
No matter what, this is second best. I'll never be able to come here to get warm. I'll never be able to feel myself in the big world. I will always be a visitor.
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Enough of that shit.
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I went upstairs a while ago. You know my house. It's big and old and inconvenient and stuffed with trash. Yeah, that's my house. I went upstairs looking for my purple coat. I rarely go upstairs so it's an adventure when I do. I didn't go in the cobweb room. And the room(s) my son lives in are hard to navigate. The room away son sleeps in when he's here is super neat. He is super neat. The middle room is pretty good too. The room that I used to call mine is a store room you can walk into. It has stuff in it. Stuff that has been culled and saved by away son, I guess. He's the one who cares about open space and being able to walk into a room. My mother's rabbit skin coat is still there. And the red wing water cooler. I didn't see my wedding dress but I suppose it's still there.
I didn't find my purple coat. I will look in the seasonal clothes cardboard box in my room, it might be in the bottom.
Today is today. Welcome it. Hold it in the palm of your hand. Regret almost nothing.
Linda ⋅ October 26, 2013
I'm glad you are here. I hope your prediction of never being comfortable here is wrong. I'm not nearly as comfortable as I was at OD when it was in its hay day, but I'm growing more comfortable. I tried to log on to OD yesterday to read a few entries. No deal. I won't go back.
Your home sounds like a real home. Real homes, like real relationships, are messy in parts.
NorthernSeeker ⋅ October 26, 2013
If OD is a lover, he dumped me a lot faster than he dumped you. It is the same feeling, though, the being shut out. The one way door.
The being at home here is true but it is a different home.
It's a place to write when you feel like you want to write.
Deleted user ⋅ October 26, 2013
Maybe the "you" that you were in that other place will never be comfortable, here.
But that you was only one facet of the person that you that you really are. We can never project the our totality into little virtual spaces like this.
So chin up, right? Meet the you that you were never able to be in that other place. Maybe that piece of you can find a home of sorts, here.
Deleted user ⋅ October 26, 2013
^^^Haha. One thing I do miss about is being able to edit notes. Let's try that again:
"But that you was only one facet of the person that you really are. We can never project our totality into little virtual spaces like this. "
woman in the moon Deleted user ⋅ October 27, 2013
Thank you for your comments/encouragement. I think that is what I want to do - to be someone else here. I want to be more natural and quick and maybe even odder than I was before. I'll try.
Just Annie ⋅ October 26, 2013
My OD lover has probably married by now. There may even be children. It's been that long since he locked me out. His loss.
I haven't written as much as I want to here on Prosebox, but that says more about my fickleness than the site's. I'm not joining NoJoMo, but I plan on writing every day in November just to get back into the habit.
noko ⋅ October 26, 2013
I read recently in a murder mystery that takes place in Ireland that it is only the Americans and Australians that are drawn to old weathered falling down things. I've been thinking about that a lot. It is true that I am and I love photos like yours here. The working of time. It sounds like your house is showing signs of that as well.
Today I didn't cross post to OD. It is just too much hassle.
ODSago ⋅ October 27, 2019
You know your writing provides my favorite pleasure here. Top in originally. Gritty. True. Hugs forever.