Mom + Dad in These Foolish Things
- Dec. 28, 2023, 9:52 a.m.
- |
- Public
Back from my quick Christmas run to see my family and some friends. I’ll expound more on this later, but my most pressing issue right now is the health and well-being of my mom and dad.
I can’t say that they are suffering because they seem to be oblivious to so many things right now, but I will say that I don’t think they are in a position to take care of themselves very well anymore. They are doing okaaaay, but it’s only a matter of time before something drastic/tragic happens, and I feel like I’m the only one seeing this. And it scares me.
My brother and sister-in-law are clueless. And they live in the same house! They can’t even take care of themselves. And when I called a Difficult Conversation meeting over Christmas, my dad suggested that my SIL be their caretaker. They would pay her, of course, but they’d like for her to become their nursemaid.
I say, fuck no. She doesn’t even have the wherewithal to figure out how to reheat our Christmas dinner (we’d ordered a prepared feast, and it was great, but had to be re-heated). I had to do it, along with my dad. She’s an absolute slob. And she barely speaks English. How is she going to figure out how to administer their meds, let alone make sure they make it to their doc appointments? She is NEVER on time and is absolutely chaotic.
And I really need to delve into this further, but…I’ve decided that I really don’t like my niece at all. She is only eight years old, but eight-year-olds are not supposed to act like whiny infants, are they? This girl makes me cringe. The last thing I said to her before I left on Tuesday morning was, “Why do you make that noise?” I think she is just as autistic as her father, my brother.
My bro and his family live in their house for free. They have been given everything they need by my parents. And then they take advantage of the situation. They ignore the issue and pretend like Mom and Dad are doing fine. Well, what’s going to happen when (heaven forbid) my dad falls down or something and is in the hospital? My mother has NO CLUE what medications to take or even what they are for or when to take them? She can’t even make herself a sandwich. She’d crumble without my dad.
It makes me so freaking sad to write all of the above, but Mom and Dad are declining quickly and I just don’t want them to suffer. What is the right thing to do? I feel like, in the end, if I insist they go to assisted living or, heaven forbid, a nursing home at some point, I am going to be the hated one. But if we don’t do something, it’s going to be a tragic nightmare for us all.
Who has been in these shoes? How did you cope? What did you do??
GS
Last updated December 28, 2023
tttt ⋅ December 28, 2023
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CharminglyNeurotic ⋅ December 28, 2023
Here's what I'd do: (keep in mind I am unfamiliar with services in your parents' city, but assume there are similar ones that would apply). First, research if there is a Meals on Wheels program. It's a free program to seniors where a hot meal or meals are delivered daily to them. I believe the requirements are pretty simple - over age 65. It might be tied to Social Security/Medicare. Again, this is in NY/NJ so it may be called something different where they are. Next, look into getting a home aid. I believe they are sometimes covered by Medicare, but if that is not true there, perhaps your parents could pay for one. If they were going to pay the inept SIL they could pay a legit home health aid to come each day -- I think they can get either full-time or part-time -- to make sure they are taking the proper meds, attending drs appts, eating and their hygiene is cared for. If they cannot afford it and insurance doesn't cover it, I would hope your brother would pay for this in lieu of rent. This takes the burden off the family members and a home health aide will typically also assist with simple things like laundry, food prep/shopping, medical stuff. Also, I'd look into becoming their official legal healthcare proxy so your brother doesn't make key decisions for them. If you are legally the proxy and outline all their medical wishes in writing and have it notarized (you can download forms online) then drs. would legally be able to discuss all their medical stuff with you and no one else. You can research and contact their city's senior services dept as well and explain the issue and see what programs exist for seniors in the area.
CharminglyNeurotic ⋅ December 28, 2023
Oh and the last, most drastic, action you could think about taking is to move closer to them so you could pop in more often to monitor the situation. I know you are working from home so it is probably not essential you stay in your current town. I'm not suggesting you rearrange your life to be their caregiver, but simply be closer so you could visit weekly to monitor their situation, hire someone to help clean/take them places if it is necessary, etc.
Ginger Snap CharminglyNeurotic ⋅ December 28, 2023
OMG. Really great advice, thank you. I will NEVER be able to live closer. They live in a horrible place and it would do a huge number on my mental health. Trust me.
But I'm only a 3-hour drive away. I can do things and be up there within hours. I can visit weekly, for sure.
sudare ⋅ December 28, 2023
I don’t want your parents to suffer either.
Lux Lunae ⋅ December 28, 2023
Sometimes you have to be the hated one. Because in the end it's not about your healthy brother and his family, it's about your parents who need more than your brother and family can give. I'd get power of attorney and start making some big decisions for your parents. It's not up to you or your parents to ensure your adult brother has a roof over his head.
Nash ⋅ December 28, 2023
Just got off the phone with family members concerning my mother's health a few minutes ago so this strikes home. I don't know how to advise you and there are no good answers.
Ginger Snap Nash ⋅ December 28, 2023
Oh Nash. It feels like this is hitting all of us at the same time. Makes sense. But I'm sorry about your situation too. Keep me posted.
Complicated Disaster ⋅ December 29, 2023
Ugh. It feels that what is really needed is for B and SIL to get a place of their own so that a cargiver could live in the house. xx
Ginger Snap Complicated Disaster ⋅ December 29, 2023
No, because my parents wanted them in the house. I mean, I agree with you, but mom and dad will stand by their decision until the end. I can only control what I can control, which is to help with finding help, but the are freaking STUBBORN and I'm so afraid they are going to wait until it's too late.
pandora ⋅ December 29, 2023
I would be extremely frustrated knowing that my sibling is living with my parents, for free, but cannot be trusted to care for them as they age.
Ginger Snap pandora ⋅ December 29, 2023
And the sad thing is, he promised my parents that they wouldn't have to go into a "home" - that he was going to take care of them. WTF?! He can't take care of himself!
lanaleigh ⋅ January 03, 2024
Whatever you do, if you go through Medicare and your parent's will allow it, put your parent's assets in someone else's name. If they use Medicare and they have any assets, after they pass Medicare will take the assets to pay for whatever they could not...so home health aides, nursing homes, etc. Good luck!!
SweetMelissa ⋅ January 03, 2024
Your poor parents. Gently, repeatedly remind Dad that he is already financially supporting SIL so no additional money is needed to go to her. Paying a freeloader is never a good idea.
I just wonder what your parents want. Have they ever said? Supporting your brother might be a burden they are ready to be done with and moving into a care facility together might not be a horrible idea afterall. I like the idea of hiring an aid to come check on them several times a week. My mom is a retired RN and she does it part time a couple of times a week. She gets paid so minimal but she does it to keep busy. She enjoys it. Maybe network and see who knows someone. That's how my Mom started. One of her friends reached out to her because another friend knew a family who needed help.
Serin ⋅ February 05, 2024
How about just building an inventory? A medical dossier of what doctors they see, for what issues, taking what meds. It's not so complicated a step, it lets them and you see a clear snapshot of where they are and helps anybody who needs to help them, later.