dark wave on winter solstice in Songs

I had a dream last night that I had fresh open sores on my lips, and little worms were crawling in. I shouted no and it forced them out for me to pluck out with my fingers.

I’ve been thinking lately why I do some of the things I do. At first I was thinking, because I’m bored. I knew that wasn’t the word I was looking for. On the toilet I was thinking, maybe it’s because I want to feel alive. I wondered, do I not feel alive? “I feel dead” I said out loud.

It’s not completely true, but I think often about the first time I tried to comprehend death, staring straight into an outlet, my parents telling me if I stuck my finger in it I’d die. I remember negotiating whether I wanted to die or not. It didn’t seem like that big of a deal, and I was curious about the other side.

When I was a child I had a recurring dream that I stood at the top of my stairs at night, looking down into the living room. Sometimes there was a Christmas tree there, where we usually put the Christmas tree. The dream would then progress as such: The grim reaper, cloaked in black and carrying a scythe coming towards me slowly up the stairs. The background usually faded to TV static. He wore a Scream mask lol

I wish I chose happier, healthier habits to feel alive. Maybe in reality I was choosing those bad, sneaky, vice habits to feel closer to a spirit I’ve spent my life contemplating.

A dark wave, a winter solstice, curls of smoke.

I nearly cried when I saw a cute little cartoon about how the dead build altars for the living. I hope that’s true. The living should do more altar building for the dead.