NJM23 - Entry #1 in These Foolish Things

Well hello there! It’s that time of year…the entry-a-day time of year! I rarely use the prompts, but maybe I’ll try this year.

Today’s prompt from our dear fellow PBer [kitkat] is:

November 1 - Introduce yourself! Include a photo if you’re up to it.

Hello…I’m Ginger Snap!

Now, you know I try to stay as anonymous as I can in this high-tech world of social media. Though I’d bet that more people on here who read me are also connections on one form of social media or another AND we’ve likely already met in person, too. I’m still not going to post a picture!

Maybe someday.

I’m a 56-year-old, never-married, childless, mostly cheerful woman who loves my dog almost too much and cherishes time with my friends.

I’m a survivor of Stage 3 colon cancer, a freak carotid artery dissection that left me with an unruptured brain aneurysm, and two broken engagements that both happened mere weeks ahead of each fully planned and mostly paid-for weddings. I’m holding my breath while I watch my parents age with as much grace and grit as they possibly can muster. And I’m trying to piece my career back together after two grueling stints of unemployment that ate up a chunk of my retirement.

Some force of the universe has tried to gut-punch and sink me time and time again, and yes, there have been times when I’ve used alcohol and food and cigarettes and benzos and social media and trash TV and shopping and…I wish I could say SEX, but I haven’t had enough of that…to buffer the blows.

I have been out of sorts for months now - and I can’t describe the feeling. It’s actually something I’ve never felt before and I certainly can’t even fathom how to get the words out in writing. But it’s been…not good. I can’t say it’s been awful because look at how the world is blowing up right now - THAT’S awful. THIS is just sucky and depressing. Yes, I know what depression feels like. It feels like this.

But I remain optimistic. Because it’s the only thing I can do. I keep getting up. I keep trying again. And goddamn it, NOW is not the time to give up.

I’m working my way out of a 5-year slump and I know it’s going to get better. But I have to make it better. Life’s not going to magically clear itself up.

Or maybe it will? Maybe after five years of storms and rain the sun’s going to shine on me?

Doubtful.

I can’t take the risk of just waiting it out. I’m not getting any younger and I’ve had to work hard all my life anyway. Why would this be any different?

So. There you have it. That’s me - The State of Me right now.

Hi.
GS