Question And Answer Period Has Ended in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

A few weeks ago, Cesar was supposed to hang out with me. He didn’t. I really struggled for a long time with my upset feelings about the situation. It doesn’t help that I still sometimes feel guilty about the way our relationship played out. The way things progressed between us was completely a product of my hesitation. But that’s the past.

Then I happened to see some recent news about Edgar. He was on a local morning show in Sacramento called Good Day Sacramento recently doing stand-up and promoting his regular show. I was so proud of him. He has come so far. Quite frankly, I can’t even see his name without getting pangs inside myself. I still love Edgar in a very deep way and part of me agonizes that I made choices that took myself away from him. But those choices are made.

Last week, I actually went catatonic for a period of time because I was surrounded by a group of people and the situation echoed an exact situation in which I found myself in high school. My friend Till, to whom I am casually attracted, looks shockingly like Joe (dead first boyfriend), and being in that situation just overloaded my heart and mind to the point that I stopped. I just stopped. These people with whom I was spending time remind me of the friends I had when I was in high school. But after Joe passed, I left behind all of my friends because I could not stand anyone seeing me hurt. I left behind everything from that period, people, passions, hobbies, clothes. I still get so angry that Joe is gone and he didn’t take me with him. But Joe is not here and I am.

All of these things have one thing in common, they stop me dead in my tracks and interrupt my normal behavior to the point that I am incapable of functioning. I read about a practice, when someone you loved enters your mind, wish them well and then push them out of your mind.

This raises many questions in my mind, but I think I’m done with questions. Answering a question does not provide any solace, it just leads to more questions. So happy thoughts from me, Cesar; all my love, Edgar; and rest in peace my would-be husband, Joe, but I have got things to do and I can’t have you three slowing me down.