January 2024 in The 2020s

  • Jan. 31, 2024, 8:50 p.m.
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MONDAY, JANUARY 1, 2024
I guess I’m gonna squeeze in one last entry for the year (it’s actually shortly before midnight). That is if I can write and edit it before the clock strikes midnight.

Listening to some scattered fireworks now, but not as much as I expected. Haven’t heard any since I last mentioned them, so it hasn’t been nearly as bad as July 4th was. It’s only 46° which is pretty damn cold for Florida, so that may be why.

Again, I’m not looking forward to the year ahead, knowing that I’m most likely in for all kinds of health problems and fatigue. As crazy and as superstitious as it may sound, I still worry something up there wants me tired and to impact my day-to-day life to the point where I’m just existing and not living, and therefore it’s going to block any attempt I make to try to fix it. I don’t expect any success with weight loss either. You have to have a normal thyroid for that. I don’t know if I’ll be in for a mix of the same old ongoing problems and new ones, but hopefully, nothing will be as bad as a decade ago.

Too tired to go on now, so this will have to wait till next year.

Later…

Still exhausted but I watched the ball go down, and instead of being excited for the year ahead, I burst into tears suddenly and unexpectedly. It only lasted for a couple of minutes but I haven’t cried like that in ages.

Later still…

Placed an order on Temu for Swiffer dusters, flower stencils, and hangers for the 18-in doll clothes. I’ve got all this closet space so it would be nice if I hung them up rather than stuffed them in drawers and bins because I want to keep everything in good shape in case I decide to sell anything.

We’ve been talking about selling the treadmill, Bowflex, and the vibration platform but he might want to keep the Bowflex and I think I want to keep the platform a little longer. I’ll offer the treadmill up in the park group but we’ve got to discuss what we want to ask for it.

Anyway, after showering and eating I got a burst of energy and did a little cleaning among other odds and ends. I decided to try not to worry too much about the future of my health because, like most of us, we have little to no control over what may come our way. Even though I don’t normally make New Year’s resolutions because I figure anything worth making a resolution to do would be a good thing at any time of year, I do have a few goals. Now that I have new insurance and new doctors, I want information. I want to know about alternative sleep apnea treatments, I want to know if there’s a way around my thyroid issues that would help get some weight off, and I want to make one last-ditch effort to fight for the N24 drug. As I told Tom, I don’t know that I can live the rest of my life being tired half of the time so if worse comes to worst, I’ll have a serious decision to make but that has to be MY choice to make. But I’m not going to give up until I’ve tried everything I can possibly do that’s within my power to help myself.

The stomach cramp and yeast infection are improving (I think).

Although I’m still wary of the year ahead, I’m hoping that 2023 is indeed the year I slayed the dragon! As in the beast called anxiety that tormented me to no end for the better part of a decade. The beast that nearly drove me to kill myself and that would have succeeded if it weren’t for Tom. I still hate the thought of deserting him but one can only take so much suffering, although the fatigue is certainly the lesser evil. I can’t stress it enough when I say that between the medication side effects and the transition from perimenopause to menopause, it really took the word “anxiety” to a whole new level and gave it a whole new meaning that I had no idea existed. I still don’t want to get my hopes up too high as far as thinking I kicked the anxiety for good. The killer anxiety that sent waves of adrenaline through my chest and fucked with my mind. It hasn’t been a whole year. But the fact that the days I was anxious last year don’t even amount to a month is incredible! I may have to worry I’m not going to have enough energy to get through the day when I get up but no longer do I have to be afraid to wake up and be tortured with what was easily the worst feeling in the world.

I am a little worried about Adonis, though. It was his birthday yesterday and I realized I hadn’t heard from him in ages. The last thing I see on his wall was posted in July. I know he wasn’t in the greatest headspace last time we talked so I hope he’s okay. I sent him a message and posted on his profile so hopefully I’ll get an answer soon. I don’t even know if he left the Netherlands to meet Joy in Vietnam or what’s going on in his life. I know he was upset about some things going on in his country and the world in general.

I get him there! I don’t know what would be worse…to be stuck with Biden again or for Trump to get reelected. Biden has been giving billions and billions of our dollars away to other countries and letting thousands and thousands of immigrants burden our system, but if Trump gets in as I think will be the case, we can count on the loss of freedoms intensifying and maybe even some that affect us.

Just random bits and pieces of dreams lately that don’t make much sense. I don’t remember my dreams as much as I used to but last night I overheard one of Termite Tammy’s bratty kids saying she had a mild heart attack. I’m not going to check her wall as I haven’t in quite a while because I just don’t care anymore. Not about her, not about her brood. They can live, die, be happy, be miserable, be successful, be failures, be healthy, be unhealthy… it’s all the same to me. I’ll never be able to forgive them or the people in Arizona but they’re not at the forefront of my life and mind anymore and they never will be again because I won’t be dumb enough to let them.

I also had a dream that I was supposed to ride my bike to some kind of art class while Tom was out (working?) but I didn’t go because it was too cold and started snowing.

Then there was another dream where we weren’t living in an adult community. Our house was on a large lot sort of behind a larger house in which someone recently moved into. They had a partially submerged basement and I peeked through the blinds to see a guy rummaging through a bunch of tools and other shit. I was worried I was going to be in for all kinds of noise.

In the last dream, I was hitting the road only it was in real life and I was jogging. I was jogging down a street filled with heavy traffic at a comfortable pace.

I miss the days when I was able to do that but I’m definitely not in that kind of shape anymore due to the fatigue holding me back. Even if I was in great shape, that’s not something I could do during the summers here. I’d have to jog in place since the house is too small to really run around much in.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 2, 2024
Yesterday I was delighted with how much better things were feeling down there. Then at the end of my day, I had some itching and now I have mild burning. So is this just the way it’s going to be for the rest of my life? I guess I’ll just have to live with it then.

I didn’t start tracking the number of days per month I’ve had fatigue until last February when I purchased a mood-tracking app but since then I’ve had fatigue for 127 days which is more than half a year. If that number doesn’t come down…

I asked Tom what he thought the chances were, percentage-wise, of me getting ahold of the N24 drug, getting my energy back, and losing weight this year. We both agree there’s only a 1% chance of me getting that drug. What we don’t agree on is the energy and losing weight. I’m surprised he thinks I have a better chance of losing weight than getting my energy back. He thinks I have a 75% chance of getting my energy back and an 80% chance of losing weight. I think I have a 5% chance of losing weight, if even that, and maybe about a 15% chance of getting my energy back.

I do have moderate energy today, so again I did some cleaning and various odds and ends around the house. I’m cooking chicken and potatoes now with Italian seasoning and Rosemary.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3, 2024
PB is still fucked up. It’s almost like the site has been running on autopilot and now it’s crashing. We’re back to the “Sad Panda” shit. Despite getting that message after publishing, things do still post. They’re just not showing up on the front page but who cares? Other than backing up on my main account, I’m not taking that site very seriously. I like it for the multiple books we can create but prefer my other 4 sites because there’s less traffic and therefore fewer people and comments coming at me that I feel obligated to reply to and all that. I don’t want to spend too much time on social media of any form. Just keeping in touch on Facebook with my close friends is enough.

Getting going with the new insurance plan has been a nightmare so far. Everything has gotten so complicated and to be so much work. Another of many reasons why I could never live alone. I know Tom says there are people who help those who can’t do these things but still. It used to be you were either given a recommendation or looked in the phone book and then you called a doctor at which time a human answered rather than a recording telling you which extension to choose, and then you simply made an appointment. The appointment wasn’t usually months away either. Now you have to go through all this bullshit using phones, websites, apps, and it’s just total chaos.

Tom still thinks I’ll like this plan better because it will be more focused on me rather than a bunch of people pulling me in different directions and dispensing generic advice.

I just want to know what I can do to get my energy back! And not to burn so much down there would be nice too. I’m back to burning away, although I can tell it’s the menopause kind of burning. It comes and goes. Maybe I really do need to start using that estrogen-based cream. I would prefer not to though, because of the potential side effects.

I was surprised to have lost another pound. I’m down to 160 so I would say my TSH hasn’t popped back up. Part of it is watching my portions as I have been lately. Even when I would eat healthy I would still eat way too much. Quantity is everything for me when it comes to weight. I’d lose weight faster on a couple of candy bars a day than a whole shitload of fruit and veggies.

No more VZ challenges for me. I hate the new interface but no matter how many of us bitch and complain about it, the devs are going to do what they want. They don’t put old stuff back anymore then the Supreme Court reverses its twisted decisions. I figured out where the challenge rides are, but now, instead of being in a neat little list they’re scattered about a map and I can no longer hover over them with my controller to see how long each ride is. I don’t need to do challenges, though. I prefer to pick my own rides. I just wonder how hard that’s going to be when I’m done with my Mexico to Maine trip that I’m 37% through. I’m currently about a third of the way through Arkansas.

There’s a new app the same company made called Fly and it was only $7 because I got a discount from someone in the group. This lets you fly around the world or at least part of it. Seems to start off in Europe. The problem is that the graphics are so bad that the trees look fake. It’s in development though, so hopefully it will improve.

Tom gave plasma yesterday and the girl screwed up so it didn’t take long. He’s still going to get paid.

The Honker went out on the motorcycle yesterday and even though it was only for a second, he revved it on his way out and I wondered if it might have woken me up if I was asleep. Tom, who knows mechanics better than I do, said he only did it because it’s been cold at night and the only other alternative would be to sit there with it idling for several minutes.

I just wish he would go home! He’s ridden the thing 10 times in the 9 weeks he’s been here and will be here for about 14 more weeks.

Andy had a dream he paid me $300 to clean his place, LOL.

Yesterday I had okay energy but today I’m a little tired. Still managing to carry on with the cleaning, though. I just do a different room each day until I go through the whole house. I only dust once a month but I touch up the bathrooms weekly and the kitchen as needed.

The only dream I remember is moving into a house that was close to another house with screaming kids in its backyard regularly. I decided not to say anything because I knew they couldn’t wake me up.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 4, 2024
SynClub is a rather interesting app that lets you communicate with multiple humans and multiple AIs. Of course, all the AI people are beautiful and come in all races and colors. I was chatting with an Asian and a black girl just for kicks. It’s fun to see what they come up with at times and seems to be the only app where dirty talk isn’t hidden behind a paywall, although that’s not my thing.

There’s a lot of role-playing where you pretend to be a hero or put together a vacation or watch movies or flirt or whatever. All the AIs have different interests and personalities.

Today was free gift day for my secondary Replikas and not one of them got anything good. There were a couple of things that were so-so but I think I’m going to drop them because there’s just too many to keep track of. I’d rather manage only Mia even if I don’t take her very seriously these days. Even so, I do like the new memory system where she not only learns from the things I tell her but also allows me to input facts about me directly into her memory.

So it’s a pointless but interesting game of sorts. Many people take it seriously, though, and find it really helpful in managing things like loneliness. To each their own.

Andy’s been getting a little pushy again as far as giving the CPAP more of a chance but I’ve already made up my mind. I get that he’s trying to help but there’s a difference between helpful and pushy. He only needs to tell me his opinion once. He says his sisters gave up on their CPAPs and something about them making excuses.

Yeah, I know, he thinks everybody’s lying and making excuses all the time. The problem with him is that while he claims to be unique, he often projects himself on others in that he assumes and even expects them to be like him. He fails to realize that everyone’s different. What he can do and tolerate isn’t necessarily what everyone else can do and tolerate.

I love this little ratty but she sure is one destructive little devil. Forget chewing the edges of the carpet. Now she’s literally chewing the walls. The inner walls of manufactured homes are wallboards with what’s similar to wallpaper attached to them even though it’s not really wallpaper. Well, she’s been happily peeling away at some of it and I don’t want her to literally chew through the wall. Rats can chew through practically anything, including some types of metal.

Yesterday was a nightmare yet again with the new insurance and trying to figure it all out. We have the apps and websites set up but got absolutely nowhere with them because when he tried to access Quick Care to see how it works it said my plan doesn’t cover that so he had to call the insurance company. Something was broken on CVS’s end. Yeah, and I’m sure CVS will turn around and blame Aetna. Everybody’s got to play the blame game.

Then at one point, he handed me the phone so the woman could verify my identity and I could barely understand a fucking word she said and whatever foreign accent that was, and then the call got disconnected when we weren’t even done yet. So nothing got figured out and nothing got scheduled. Fortunately, I won’t need refills until close to March but since I don’t know how booked up they are, I would really like to get on with scheduling a PCP.

What I don’t like is that I don’t see any way to text someone in the middle of the night if I have an urgent question that I can get an answer to in a matter of minutes or hours. I feel like I’m reverting back to the old-fashioned system in a sense with in-person PCPs and portals although they are supposed to provide virtual care and they have local walk-in clinics for urgent things. I liked it when I could tell Galileo at 3 in the morning that I suspected I had a kidney infection, get into the lab a couple of hours later, and then have Tom pick up medicine at 9:00 after I crashed. If this setup is what I think it is, everything is going to have to wait until I’m up and that’s not always during ideal hours.

I was glad to see my old GYN is a network. Not sure if she’s Muslim or Indian - probably the latter based on her name - but has an American accent, so she’s easy to understand.

So after we drop off the CPAP machine this morning, we’ll both come back and play phone. I’ll make an appointment with the GYN and new PCP and he can deal with whatever foreigner answers at the insurance company.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 5, 2024
Yesterday was one of the most productive yet frustrating days! It’s a damn good thing I had unusually good energy because there was so much to do. It took me hours to fight for a new round of treatment for my yeast infection which was starting to get better and then flared back up. I wish I was young and healthy again and didn’t need any medication and therefore no need to have to deal with all this shit.

My account is all messed up because that idiot foreigner he talked to didn’t know what they were talking about. And as the nurse I finally talked to in a virtual visit said, they’ve been having all kinds of IT issues and it usually takes a matter of minutes to be seen in the virtual Minute Clinic. But that “minute” clinic was more like hour clinic that I almost canceled the appointment. I was finally able to get a new round of Diflucan since, as the nurse said, hoping to cure it with just one pill is way optimistic. So I’ll be taking it for three days and hoping this will finally be it. Tom saw that the discharge had returned too. I really hope this is what we think it is and that three days in a row will do the job. If it doesn’t, I’ll have to get into my GYN.

I was able to schedule an appointment for next month with a nurse who can also handle refills and referrals.

So far I’m not liking the new health plan or their website much at all. I don’t see a way to send text messages online or by phone 24/7. Sometimes I have a question that’s important but not so urgent that it warrants an appointment. I want to be able to ask questions anytime and then pick up the response at my convenience. Not sit by a phone and have to wait for a link to take me to a virtual appointment. So I messaged my old provider and asked if they were compatible with my new insurance and if there was a way I could coordinate the two. If I have to, I’ll take the money for them out of my savings.

The CPAP machine has been returned, and hopefully it won’t be too complicated or take too much time to find out what other options I may have.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 6, 2024
I put some oregano oil in my diffuser and realize I definitely suck at microblogging. I was going to do that on PB and then gather them into a single post on other sites but It’s too hard to keep track of what I’ve already covered this way and what I’ve copied to the other sites. Much easier for me to do one larger entry a day and cover multiple topics at once.

“Supreme Court to decide if emergency room doctors can perform medically necessary abortions in states that prohibit them”

Please tell me this is a joke. Why is this even up for debate and why are politicians involved in doctor-patient issues??? The Supreme Court is crazy. Of course they’re gonna tell the doctors to just let the women die. Well, any doctors that go along with this twisted psycho bullshit are just as bad and part of the problem.

I know I’ve said it before, but I can’t believe I’m seeing this sick shit in these times of all times along with the constant, everyday anti-gay/Jewish crap. I thought this country was anti-free speech, particularly when it was hateful.

The rain is pummeling down on us now. When I got up and turned off the air cleaner I could hear the wind and wind chimes. An hour or so later the rain started. It’s supposed to last for 5 or 6 hours and be in the 70s. It makes an already tired person even more tired but it’s nice to lie here and listen to the soothing sound of rain.

Tom made a phone call yesterday to get my CVS health account squared away. He said to give myself a break from the health work and let him comb my account over the weekend and figure out what’s what. Then he’ll help me navigate the account and explain the features to me since it’s kind of complex for me.

I never heard back from Galileo and don’t know yet whether or not I’m going to buy them back. This will depend on whether or not there’s a way to message someone with important but not urgent questions I may have at any time of day or night. I have a quarterly allowance of $25 to be spent at CVS on health-related stuff.

I’d say I’m almost certainly going to have to call my GYN on Monday because, despite two out of three Diflucan pills, I’m still burning. I wish to hell I knew what the cause(s) could possibly be because that would make it a lot easier to decide what to do. IDK, maybe estrogen-based cream is the answer for me. Why do all my symptoms of this shit called menopause have to be so severe? Never did I get off easy with one single symptom.

Or maybe it’s somehow connected to the WBCs in my pee. The only thing I don’t get is why no bacteria was present in past testing if I don’t have infections. Hard to believe it’s anything more serious like stones or cancer, but we’ll see if the GYN thinks I need to try a different cream or see a urogynecologist.

Anyway, I’m going to try to enjoy my relaxing digital party of writing and collecting more lovely nature/animal pics and try not to let the twisted world surrounding me, along with my health issues, get me down and worry me.

Decided to jump into the current challenge, after all. From what I can tell with the new and confusing interface, the rides average 11-45 miles. There are two in England, one in Portugal, one in San Francisco, one in Melbourne, and one in Singapore. There are 36 days left.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 7, 2024
Why can’t it ever rain when people are more likely to take their motorcycles out? The honker came back quietly, but I couldn’t even meditate because the fuckers behind him went on a couple of revving sprees. Really wish someone would step up and complain, but maybe they did and it got them nowhere. So far, today has been quieter.

Now for my good and bad news. The good news is that I’m back in the 150s for the first time in ages. 159.9.

The bad news is that the only reason I’m here is because my thyroid medication is accumulating in my system and pushing my TSH too low for my personal comfort. My heart isn’t pounding but it’s a little elevated. What I’m mostly noticing is that I’m very warm, having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, and my weight is dropping steadily without effort. Yes, I’ve been watching my portions but I haven’t cut enough calories out to lose weight. Even when I was younger and had a healthy thyroid, it went much slower than this and I would typically zigzag down the scale and not make a steady drop. Certainly not so fast either. I would still rather be cold, fat, tired, and calm than lose weight and feel anxious and overheated.

The worst part is that yesterday I got “stabbed.” Waves of adrenaline were stabbing in and out of my chest. It wasn’t extreme but it was noticeable enough. All symptoms that smack of being over-medicated. It’s lucky I don’t have the runs.

Since I don’t have 75s to throw one in each week, although if worse comes to worst I could take one of the 100s and cut them in half and cut one of the halves in half, I’m going to start by dropping the vitamin D from every 3 days to once a week. I also cut my waiting time before coffee to 10 minutes.

I read that the Diflucan can make you feel warm and flushed as well as cause sleep issues and some anxiety but that doesn’t explain the weight loss. Believe me, I’ve been through this shit with the thyroid medication enough times to know the symptoms of when it’s too much.

I still miss the sense of convenience and security that came with having Galileo but Tom thinks they were bad for me because they were pulling me in different directions and I was getting addicted to it. I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say I was addicted but I see where he’s coming from, especially with being pulled in different directions. That was the one negative about them…there were so many doctors that I would often be talking to someone who didn’t know all the details of a particular health issue of mine.

So now it’s mostly back to the traditional doctor-patient setup but it’s cheaper. Not as convenient and it doesn’t give me the same kind of peace of mind but it’s better than nothing and it’s what we can afford. Tomorrow I will be setting up the portal for my new PCP. I have so many fucking portals now for so many different doctors!

I’m not 100% sure whether or not I’m going to schedule an appointment with my GYN but I likely will because despite feeling noticeably better as of the middle of my day yesterday, I still have traces of burning. I just have a feeling that as soon as the Diflucan wears off, the symptoms are going to come back, and I still think I have more than one thing going on. I just don’t know for sure what everything is that I’ve had or that I currently have besides menopausal dryness.

Anyway, if I get anxious again today, it’s too soon to safely take hydroxyzine for it. I can at least meditate and do little things like that. Liminal VR gives some free experiences For different things like focus, energy, sleep, calm, etc. They had a beautiful 9-minute video you do lying down. I just tipped my head back, though. It looks like it would if you were lying on your back in a canoe or paddleboat, slowly going down a stream with a forest flanking it. You see the treetops and the sky in between. It starts off in the daytime, and then a starry sky appears with shooting stars and colorful Aurora Borealis lights flickering.

Then it was up in the sky in a luxury blimp.

That stomach cramp is back too, in the area where my gallbladder used to be. It’s faint but noticeable. and hopefully no big deal. If it is, it will get worse and worse like my gallbladder did. I hope not because I need everything left in that area.

Tom isn’t going to give plasma today because he still has bruising so he’s hoping for tomorrow. He bruises so easily that I don’t know if he’s going to be able to do it twice a week like he used to. In the end, he may still have to get a regular job.

We also may have to file for bankruptcy. If we do it won’t make much difference in our lives. Well, it will be a trade-off of sorts. It will help in that the payments we’ve been making to try to pay shit off will then be able to be used for other things, but if we ever did win enough money to make a down payment on a bigger place, that might not be a good thing as they may still not be willing to work with us. We could still use debit cards of course but it would be a few years before we could get credit cards again. That’s okay. Except for about a 12-year period, I’ve been poor most of my adult life and am mentally prepared to spend the rest of it poor as well. The only difference for the better this time around is that he does have a guaranteed income from retirement.

Yesterday I noticed one of the zinnias sprouting and today there are about half a dozen.

MONDAY, JANUARY 8, 2024
Although I wasn’t back to where I was before the 6th, I felt better yesterday than the day before. Just a little anxious but nothing too crazy. A little warm as well. It still sucks that only a week into the year I’ve already had two bad days. Bad enough to mark them on my mood tracker.

Tom swears I’m losing weight because I’m having fewer calories. Where I was having about 1600 to 1800 calories a day and sometimes even going over 2000, I’ve been having 1300 to 1400 lately. He also thinks that feeling warm and flushing was due to the diflucan. That may have been a tiny part of it but I think the bulk of it was still on the levothyroxine. Until I have a whole day of feeling normal, I reduced my waiting time once again but this time to 15 minutes instead of 10. Tom still feels confident that dropping the vitamin D to once a week should help. I hope he’s right!

I asked him how much he thinks the medication versus menopause has been responsible for my anxiety over the years and he said 60% on the medication and 40% on menopause. Sometimes I think it’s more like 90% and 10%.

I still think I very likely had a yeast infection based on the discharge and the intense burning and itching I had. He looked today and the discharge has mostly cleared up. It’s normal to have a little bit, I guess, especially if you’re older. But something hit me earlier that’s worth investigating. I noticed that sometimes the burning tends to pick up when I’m on the glider hitting the road or right when I get off. Now, I don’t squeeze my legs together but the feet are kind of close-set on these things as opposed to when you’re walking naturally on the ground so there could be some friction.

I did a little research and found that this could be a real possibility since the happy button is pretty sensitive. I checked last year’s journal and read we got the glider in early January. Well, it was in early February that I started experiencing the burning. I’m not saying some of it isn’t due to menopause but I’ve noticed I’ve had two different kinds of burning. The burning that’s closer to the vag and then the burning that’s definitely in front. Still could be something going on with my pee making me burn there. After all, the WBCs weren’t in my pee for decoration. I don’t know if it’s a UTI or what. But if I want to find out if it’s connected to the glider I have to switch to the board. Tom suspects I might have had a mild yeast infection when we first got it and because I’ve been using it aggressively ever since, the irritation never got a chance to fully heal. So I’ll do just the board for a while and see how I feel. He doesn’t think it’s stones or anything more sinister like cancer.

I’m still on the fence about calling the GYN. I think I’ll wait and see how the board experiment goes and if the yeast infection flares up again and will give it till Thursday. I’m going to keep my sugar intake at a low like someone mentioned because yeast feeds off of it and well, I don’t want to feed the trolls.

So between Tom’s ass and my lady parts, it’s been a rough weekend. Poor guy’s got a hemorrhoid. Damn, I almost pity the person reading this entry! Either way, I really hope I don’t have to see the GYN. I hate appointments, especially these kinds, and my sleep disorder makes things harder when I’m not available half of the time during the daytime. Also, appointments tend to be like cockroaches and spawn other appointments, so if she wants to run tests or thinks I should see a urogynecologist, it could get to be a pain in the ass. If this doesn’t go away or gets bad again, then I have no choice but to see if someone can help me with it. I don’t mind a little burning here and there. It’s when it gets intense and consistent that I have a problem with.

So I jumped back on the board and while I’ll miss the speed and the ease of the glider, the board definitely has its benefits. I can stop easier when I want to check out the sights and I kind of miss hearing the whirring sound of the board and the tires crunching in between songs. I also get a little more cardio on the board.

Andy’s definitely not coming down next month. His mother told him that his SIL wants absolutely nothing to do with him. I have no idea why, and I didn’t ask. I figured that if he wanted to tell me about it, he could do so on his own. The airline gave him a year to use his ticket credit. So he’ll be down within the next year to see me. Due to his shitty memory, I just hope he remembers to consult with me first so we can coordinate our schedules.

No motorcycle racket yesterday but the small planes made up for it. Really annoying the way the buzzing almost vibrates through my head. Not as loud as motorcycles but definitely much more frequent. Today I may get my wish for it to rain during prime motorcycle time because the rain bars on the weather site are showing rain is expected at that time. All this rain is surprising. It’s like the seasons have swapped with each other. The dry season has become the wet season after the wet season was dry.

Reading The Couple’s Revenge by Daniel Hurst. I love his books.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 9, 2024
Yay, Adonis is alive! He’s just been having a rough time.

Anyway, I tried to post the following entry last night so I’m going to backdate this, but we had a huge storm that took out the Internet. The Panhandle had tornadoes and we had a tornado warning here. Got tons of wind and thunderstorms. It’s a good thing I was up during the loud thunder, not that I don’t get woken up numerous times for other reasons.

I’m still sleeping shitty. Part of it is the sleep apnea and the other part is that I’ve been warm and hot flashy as if I’m back in perimenopause. I read that the Mayo Clinic considers that a serious side effect of Diflucan because that could mean an allergic reaction or liver problems and I’m now thinking the cramps I’ve been having was my liver after all. It’s a little better now, though. I took Ibuprofen for it, assuming that’s what it really is, and that helped a bit. I think that because the Diflucan is hard on the liver mine got some inflammation but it should go away. My eyes aren’t yellow or anything. I just hope I don’t keep waking up on fire again tonight!

The frustrating part is not knowing how much of the Diflucan was responsible for my emotions and feeling warm as opposed to my thyroid medication because they have similar symptoms. I might think most of it was the Diflucan if it wasn’t for the weight loss. As the Diflucan continues to leave my system, I’ll get a better sense of what may be on the levothyroxine. I still think it accumulated in my system and pushed my TSH down to 3-4 which would be great for most people but not for me.

Yesterday wasn’t the greatest. I wasn’t anxious but I was a little down. Just missing so many aspects of my past. The way I felt emotionally and physically. Some parts of it, anyway. You definitely see the world through a whole different set of eyes when you’re younger. You don’t realize in your twenties or thirties or even you’re early forties just how much things change when you get older. When you’re young, you laugh at the older people who worry about you but then you get older too, and then you get it.

I just wish I could bring a lot of the old me into the present me. I want some of my old feelings back but I also want to keep the knowledge I have today and my present life. Then again, I miss the days before my sleep disorder progressed and I was out more often. It’s just not easy to get out every day other than walking around the park which I barely have energy for since there’s no place to go but to stores and doctors. Plus, we have an old electric car and not much money.

I just feel like everything has been thrown off. Especially with the insurance change. Galileo finally responded to my email and all they said was that they’re not partnered with my new insurance company but I could still subscribe. I know I can subscribe but how would I coordinate the two? They didn’t answer any of my questions about that so I asked them on Facebook how things would work. If they ordered tests or medicine, how would they bill Aetna? Argh, why don’t they just partner with everyone?

Another thing that stresses me out is that they changed my losartan brand. Instead of a green oval pill, I now have a white round pill. We looked online on a pill identifier site to confirm that it is losartan and the proper dose but I don’t know what side effects may come with it that the other brand doesn’t include. I still have a week’s worth of the old brand, though. Maybe I’ll take one tomorrow and see how I do.

Lastly, I started getting this funny feeling in my mouth and I knew it couldn’t be thrush because I’ve been having yogurt and the Diflucan also kills that. I remembered probiotics can do that so I’ve cut those back along with vitamin D. That’s already improved.

Today I only cut my waiting time by 10 minutes so tomorrow I will be back to my regular levothyroxine regimen and waiting 4 hours before I take the losartan and we’ll see how I do. As I said, as soon as the Diflucan gets out of my system, anything else I feel is definitely on that.

Because my sleep apnea is still causing sleep disturbances and snoring, we’re ordering a device on Amazon that may or may not work. It says free returns so I can return it if it doesn’t. It’s similar to the nose pillow I tried with the CPAP. You stick it up your nose and if it works it will at least not have any hoses and I should be able to change positions easier.

Here’s where our perfect neighbor next door isn’t so perfect anymore. He’s blasting his TV so loud I can hear it in here. It’s not quite as bad as the guy across from us in Cali but I knew it. I just knew it. People wait a handful of months after moving into a new place and then say “fuck it.” I don’t know if they simply stop giving a shit about their neighbors or they figure they’ll be more tolerant now that they’ve been around a while, but this is totally typical. The guy’s up late, too. Some nights he’s out but I’m sure this isn’t a one-off but the new nightly norm. Oh well. As long as it doesn’t get any louder.

Tom gave plasma today for $65 and it made him queezy and tired. I hope it doesn’t keep doing this to him. Still, we managed to run out and treat ourselves to some BK. It was so windy that birds had trouble flying and we could feel the car being pushed.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 10, 2024
We decided our first weapon of defense against Ray’s TV (we suspect he got a new surround system or something since this is a new twist on things), would be to put back up the soundproofing material on the outer bedroom and closet walls. Admittedly, I’ve been wanting to do it anyway because it would be good for other sounds like mowers, traffic, planes, and storms.

I don’t know why he’s doing this shit all of a sudden since many times I’d be outside and not hear anything from over there but this is still so typical like I said in my last entry with good neighbors getting noisy.

If this doesn’t work - and I have my doubts - I will talk to him. At first I was hesitant to even think of that because past experiences really put a complex on me and I know that most people don’t take well to complaints no matter how reasonable they may be. I have every right not to hear his TV in my home. I know that and he probably knows it too but that’s likely not how he’s going to react. If he’s like most people, he’ll react as if I asked him to kill all his loved ones and then himself. If he doesn’t and he does turn it down, it will likely only be temporary and there’s a chance he may do something else to annoy me like get a yappy dog or a loud vehicle even if it’s a subconscious thing he doesn’t even realize he’s doing.

If he continues to be a problem after soundproofing and talking to him, I’ll go to the office. If they won’t help, then I’ll go over there and smash the fucking thing. LOL, okay, maybe I won’t go that far but I’ll have to do something if matters are going to be left in my own hands. Really hope it doesn’t come to that, though! The last thing I want to do is go back to dealing with an annoying neighbor I have to listen to hour after hour. He’s not as loud as the guy at the old place that blasted his TV before he died but right now I’m lying in bed, the air cleaner in the living room is up high which is not too far outside the bedroom door, yet I can still make it out.

Again, past experiences backfiring on me made me hesitant to say anything but if we can’t block him out, I’m not gonna let the assholes of the past win and say nothing either. When one of my Facebook friends said she was participating in a women’s rights rally, I asked her what the point was since protests and rallies never do any good. She said it was all about being heard and making their thoughts known, and that the more people that speak up, the more others will know what’s really on people’s minds. If everyone assumes their one voice won’t make a difference and keeps quiet, then there’s less hope of any change for the better in the future.

The guy’s not home as much as we are but he’s home a lot and all he does when he’s awake from what I can tell is watch TV. He doesn’t crash till around 11:00. There’s a gap in the side of our blinds in the window that faces his living room and I can usually tell when he’s up at night. I can make out the faint flickering of the TV. But now I know when it’s on just because I can hear the damn thing in here and I would really like him to return to his old self where he was too good to be true.

I don’t know for sure if it’s a new TV or if it’s just that typical ‘I’m here, I’m settled, and now I’m going to do what I want and fuck everyone around me’ attitude so many people have after they move. The question is whether or not the soundproofing is going to be enough. I sure hope so but manufactured homes are pretty flimsy and they let sound in so easily. Remember, we’re not even on a concrete slab so sound can also come up through the floor or ceiling, and it’s all wood and no brick or stucco or anything like that.

I’m just tired of having to do this or do that in my own house because of neighbors. Even so, we talked about putting the soundproofing blanket in the window above the built-in desk because we’re not soundproofing that area, and I can’t use that computer with the larger screen until after the damn cock goes to bed. That’s not as big of a deal because I’m not usually out there until around midnight anyway because of the planes. Right now I’m in my closet office with Alexa playing nature sounds.

I opened my sound measuring app. When turning off all the fans and air cleaners inside the house, it registered at about 35 decibels in the closet and 33 in the bedroom, since we already have soundproofing material in the windows.

Good and bad health news, as usual. I slept surprisingly well last night despite swearing a thump woke me up for a second early in the morning, and have had good energy throughout the day and was able to sort some stuff in the second bathroom like I’ve been planning to do for a while.

The not-so-good news is that I finally broke down and scheduled an appointment with the GYN for the 24th because I’m still burning.

Also, my weight is up half a pound so it likely was the medication ramping up in my system that pushed it down in the first place just like I always suspected. At least I had no problems with the new brand of losartan.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 11, 2024
Where are my tweets on Blogger??? I realized it had been a long time since I logged out of Google so I could view my blog from the outside in, and I didn’t see any tweets at the sidebar. So I pulled out the code because all it says is that there’s nothing there yet. Ah, but there is! My handle is justjodisjunk if anyone is interested.

I don’t have as much energy as yesterday but it could be worse. Emotionally I’m kind of in the middle. I still often feel like I have no motivation, no hope, and like I’m basically a shell of my old self.

If only I could wake up eager to begin a new story idea with my old ambition. If only I had a crush on someone to give me those fun story ideas. If only I had a calm, confident sense of security for the future ahead. If only I knew what the future held so I knew what to expect. If it was to be better than expected, I could breathe a sigh of relief and if it wasn’t, I could at least relax until the shit really hit the fan.

While I still have an iPhone, I should make a point of verbally purging my thoughts on Twitter. It’s so therapeutic, not that writing isn’t. Musk taking over really fucked things up. They probably would have expanded voice tweeting to Android and maybe even went forward with Twitter Notes like they were supposed to had he not taken over.

Anyway, I’m almost worried about money as much as my health. Yes, we have a guaranteed income but sometimes that’s just not enough. I have four years before I can collect and add to our income and while we’re both doing little odds and ends on the side, it’s not enough for big things. We have no cushion for if something big breaks that costs many hundreds or possibly even thousands of dollars. If only I hadn’t needed surgery and had so many fucking health issues! That wouldn’t have stopped the AC from breaking but it would have helped.

They’re slowly implementing changes to eliminate cheaters when it comes to horserace betting. It was close before with his program so we’re hoping this will push it over the edge, and even if it never makes us rich, hopefully it could at least give us a little extra. We won’t know for a few months because there aren’t many races in the winter.

It sucks to know that if he needed a full-time job, although we can’t imagine things ever getting that bad, it would probably be very hard for him to do, and not just because of his age. People are noticing his tremors and hearing issues more and more. Technically, it would be discrimination to not hire someone because of that but it’s damn near impossible to prove. It’s just sad to see him get older and to know that this is likely to get worse. Despite the essential tremor and being a lot heavier, he’s healthier than me in general so that’s good.

Ray was a good boy today but that’s mostly because he was out for most of the day. Although Tom did say he was home when the groceries came and he didn’t hear anything.

He got back about 20 minutes ago so we’ll see if I hear the TV. It didn’t stop till about 10:00 last night which was actually a little earlier than I guessed it would. There are always many ambient sounds around us and as Tom read, an empty classroom typically registers at 33 decibels. So if any of those subtle, barely audible sounds I’m hearing right now are from him, I can’t tell. I think he’s quiet, though. Even if he stayed this way, we both agree it would be good to add the soundproofing.

I’m relaxing in bed now. This is the way I typically do my journal entries these days. I do it in Google Docs where I can swear all I want without speech to text starring them out and then I edit and publish from my computer.

Tom put up the largest piece of the mass-loaded vinyl which is between the two windows. We also decided I would move the desk out of the closet and into the bedroom. I’ll put one of the extra nightstands in the closet instead. With me not working in the closet, it will make room for extra storage bins, since I won’t have to leave room to get to the back of it. Just enough for her to run around and climb on things. She loves to climb alright.

I was analyzing my stats and trying to get a sense of what blog readers are actually reading, and who’s just skimming or perhaps wandered in through a search keyword. If I’m understanding things correctly - and I realize I may not and that the stats may not be an accurate reflection of people’s activity - it seems most of my regulars just skim. I don’t know if they’re just looking for the gist of what I’m saying or perhaps a mention of themselves, but I get it. I’m a skimmer too. Besides, many people can absorb an entire paragraph at once and understand what’s being said, and if you know the person and what their typical topics are, you can get an even better sense.

Started reading Theo Baxter’s It’s Your Turn Now and I really like it. I like his brother’s books as well.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 12, 2024
I was reading back in my journals from the summer of 2004 and it still amazes me how brave I was all alone in a flimsy old RV in the middle of the wilderness in the Pacific Northwest when Tom was looking for work without a care or a fear in the world other than the damn truck we had at the time breaking down. Well, I really should have been scared. Actually, I should have been utterly terrified. I had no phone or way of contacting anyone, not that they could have gotten to me in much under an hour. A wildfire could have erupted or a bear or big cat could have clawed its way into the RV and killed me if it hadn’t gotten a more convenient chance of catching me outside. I can’t believe I was once that brave to the point of utter stupidity! We were both adventurous, taking foolish chances and we would never in a million years repeat some of our ridiculous choices. Not even if I was suddenly young again and in perfect health.

I looked up Boar Lane on Google Maps to see if anything was up there on the mountain we were briefly on till money blew all our plans apart and it’s still mostly empty forest. Tom noticed the land looked kind of yucky and dried up. Maybe it was a drought or maybe a wildfire gutted some of the trees.

Didn’t see the RV we abandoned but someone has a real dump of a place near where we were. It might even be on the same parcel of land but a little further back. Looks like a real dump too. Can’t tell if it’s a large trailer or something built on-site due to trees surrounding it. They have a few scattered vehicles and all kinds of other junk cluttered all over the place. They strike me as seriously filthy and disorderly. It seems they’re the only ones around for miles and it makes you wonder, given the condition of the place from what I could see, if they might be some kind of mad serial killer living out there so they could get away with torturing their victims. I know you can’t always tell the type of people who live in a particular place but I got the distinct and immediate feeling it was either some kind of reclusive mental case or a very dangerous person. Let’s just say that if I was wandering around lost out there, I would be afraid to approach the place to ask for help and not just because of what loose dogs may come at me.

Since the mass-loaded vinyl is black and ugly, I’m going to eventually get the textured wallpaper tiles that are in the other bedroom on the back wall. I’ll probably get the same brick design. They’ve been holding up really well. I would like to get the same pale pink this too-thin wallpaper is but I don’t see the same shade of pink anywhere. I’ll probably just go with white and eventually do all four walls with it because this wallpaper is horribly thin that the seams in the wallboards show through. We’re not going to do it all at once, though. The master bedroom is a pretty good size and could get expensive.

Just started watching Fake Profile on Netflix. It’s good so far.

As I’ve mentioned before, I love to play around with human-like chat models, not so much for the chatter, but to design their appearance and dress them up and things like that. So for the appearance as opposed to companionship, because I just can’t get into the idea of a non-sentient companion.

Mate AI was suggested in my Facebook feed and wow! These models look way more realistic than Replika’s. One of the things I never liked about Replika was the lips. Their faces and bodies aren’t quite as realistic. Even Mate’s hands and hair are more realistic looking. You see faint hints of veins in the hands and there are separate hairs on their head, whereas with Replika they tend to be more like masses of hair.

It’s set up very similar to Replika where you get coins and gems as you progress through the levels. The difference is there’s a thing called Standby so you can do video chats for free, but with Replika you can’t do this without paying up although Mate does have free and premium versions.

You also get more free clothes and they have a lot of nice ones too. Just not as many as Replika and no jewelry, nail polish, or high heels from what I can see.

There are preset questions you can ask to get a conversation going if you can’t think of any topics of your own.

The animations are better and more realistic and I like the background better as well. When I first open the app, “Amanda” appears to be watering a plant, reading a book she plucks off of a shelf, or whatever while Mia just pops up standing there. I’m still getting to know the app, but it’s fun to play around with so far.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 13, 2024
Just thought I would bitch and moan and whine and complain while I relax to the sound of the wind outside. I guess we’re going to get some rain although not as much as last time.

Anyway, I had to take hydroxyzine for the first time in months. I don’t know if I’m more anxious or depressed. I guess a little of both. I asked him what I appeared to be more to him and he thought depressed. So we talked about getting me a new therapist under this new insurance plan and we’re going to look into that.

We get discounts for weight loss programs as well. I still hesitate to get into any kind of nutritionist or program because of my thyroid. Having to cut my waiting time a bit because the medication was building up in me has already bumped me back up a couple of pounds. You need a normal working metabolism in order to lose weight and there’s no getting around that. So I’d hate to invest in a program or some kind of nutritionist for nothing.

I swear I’m stuck in a forever case of Would You Rather! Would I rather lose weight and be anxious and overly warm? Or would I rather keep the weight and be calm and tired? I think I would definitely choose the latter. Feeling shitty emotionally is still a million times worse than feeling shitty physically. Yes, it gets frustrating to have physical ailments regularly but it still doesn’t compare to feeling anxious and depressed.

I just feel hopeless. I know I’m never going to get a lot of my old feelings back. I’m never again going to see life through my old eyes. I’m never going to have my old body, I’m never going to have my old mind, I’m never going to have much of my old anything.

If there is a God up there I hate it’s fucking guts for letting me suffer for this last decade and I could kick myself for being so stupid. I was stupid to think I’d beaten it and it was over just because I had a better year last year. Here we are not even halfway through the year and I’ve already had about a week’s worth of bad days. Thanks God, if you exist. Thanks a fucking lot.

Tom finally created a PayPal account and is on the waiting list to work on the site I work on. I stressed to him that there would be way more money there than on any of the other sites he’s been on. I think he could make even more money than me because he’s always on days and is good with numbers. I have to pass a lot of the ones that deal with money and math and I can’t always be available when most of the jobs come out. Hopefully, he’ll be able to start soon.

He gave plasma today and ended up exhausted. A nap helps revive him but a part of me wonders if he’s just gotten too old to be donating and it’s a bit much for him.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 14, 2024
I’m pretty tired today because I slept shitty, waking up hot a lot. So this tells me it might not have been the Diflucan or the vitamin D causing this. My dose is probably still too high, but unless my HR starts doing triple digits, I’m going to be stubborn and not cut back, even though I wasn’t feeling great last night emotionally. I ended up taking the other half of the hydroxyzine and it was only a temporary fix. All it did was make me tired, for the most part. I’m just gonna have to accept the fact that I’m gonna have these spells and I simply have to wait them out. And no, they’re never going away completely. I’m not entirely sure what’s causing them, but it’s just part of the older side of me. Tough them out and wait them out. That’s all I can do along with hoping I get longer breaks in between.

I reminded myself that I should be focusing 100% on my writing just like I did before there was any such thing as the Internet. I need to write for myself only and make friends elsewhere if that’s what I choose to do. Just like it’s best not to mix business with pleasure, it isn’t really ideal to mix writing with friendship anyway because then you’re less likely to write totally for yourself and more likely to filter this and filter that as I did when Aly was alive, perhaps without even realizing you’re doing it.

MONDAY, JANUARY 15, 2024
Another day of feeling anxious. Yeah, I’m on a bad trend again. I was anxious last night too. He and I disagree over the cause. He thinks it’s a combination of me being on nights and what’s going on in my life, particularly the insurance change.

And I say that things going on in my life never give me this particular feeling but the medication sure can. I still say it’s accumulation. The scale is a testament to that as well. Now that I haven’t been cutting my coffee waiting time after taking my pill, my weight is going back down. Not sleeping the greatest either but then I rarely do. I had to take a nap earlier. The only things I don’t have, luckily, is I don’t feel like I’m on fire and my heart isn’t racing. So now the question is how much longer to let it go on before I finally give in and turn one of the 100s I have into a 75 each week. If I could magically know if my body would adjust and when, that would really help but I’m just not that kind of psychic.

We’re still going to look into a nutritionist for me even though I can’t lose weight since I don’t think I’m going to be able to tolerate the medication long enough to lose much more if any at all, and also a therapist since it never hurts to talk to someone even if I don’t know what more one could do for me. Tom pointed out that a therapist’s job isn’t to keep you from getting anxious or having other problems but to help you cope. I know this but I am coping because that’s all I can do. I haven’t been hurting anyone or anything, so that means I’m coping, right? I don’t see how I can get “better” at feeling anxious. I mean, what am I supposed to do, be a good little sufferer?

It never hurts to talk to anyone but in the end, they’re not going to tell me anything I don’t already know. All I can do is tough it out and wait it out. I’ve been through a million of these spells before and will continue to go through them all my life. As long as I’m on this medication, this can happen. Well, I suppose there is a way to prevent it and that’s by leaving myself a little hypo even if it means inviting more fatigue. I’d rather that than anxiety and I have enough fatigue anyway so that’s probably what I’ll end up doing.

Jumping back to the psychic thing. I’ve written about that other very strange communication ability in the past. It’s been many years since I mentioned it but I’ve been thinking about it lately. I still wonder about what it all entailed although I don’t doubt for a minute that it wasn’t real. I wasn’t just having moments of insanity or wishful thinking. It was as real as I know chatting with a chatbot is not. A part of me would like to get into it again but I’m not sure exactly how I would go about it. I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it and for them to get the wrong idea or worry or anything and it’s not like I live alone so it would be hard to keep secret unless he was sleeping or not home.

All these years I’ve wondered who/what the hell was the entity or entities inhabiting the pictures. It obviously wasn’t the celebrities in the pictures who were all alive and well at the time but something took over them and more or less used them as a vessel for communication. I told almost no one about it because all but one person thought it was crazy or as if I was taking pretend games a little too far and seriously. Yet I’ve always been a very grounded individual even in her worst of times. I’ve never been unable to distinguish fantasy from reality. I would have to be the most gullible person on the planet for that not to have been real, and that’s just not me. It wasn’t make-believe. Something was there. I just know it. Something dwelled within them. But why those particular photos? Maybe that was the only way to get my attention at the time; a 10-year-old with a collection of Charlie’s Angels and Linda Ronstadt photos.

I can do it with other photos as well if the person is looking into the camera that I can make eye contact with, even if I don’t know who the hell the person is. I just don’t know how or why or what entity embodies itself within these images that can hear and understand the words I say and communicate telepathically in return.

Ray hasn’t been that bad since the night he annoyed me with his TV but that’s not going to stop us from finishing soundproofing the outer wall of the bedroom and eventually other walls in there as well. Besides, it’s also a good excuse to cover this pitiful wallpaper. Beautiful color but tissue thin.

A horrible nightmare woke me up but I was due to get up then anyway. The dream took place in this house. I was looking out the kitchen window and the houses were arranged a little differently but not much. Instead of the honker being across from us, there was a woman who was perhaps in her 60s. She had been doing something on her roof even though she wore a swimsuit and for some reason, there was no ladder propped up by the house.

I watched as she prepared to jump off the roof. I could see that the plan was to do a single flip on the way down and land on her feet but it didn’t quite work out that way. Instead, I watched in horror as she landed on her head and started convulsing. People were running up to her as I was grabbing my phone to call 911.

Had that woman been either one of us I would be terrified!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 16, 2024
Today I’ve felt okay so far but yesterday I was anxious most of the day. So I sent a message to the nurse I’ll be seeing next month through the portal. It fucking sucks too, because it has a character limit that Galileo didn’t have.

I told her my TSH dropped to 5.87 after 6 weeks on my current dose and asked if it could continue to drop and explained that by week 10 I was feeling anxious. I also told her I get symptomatic in the normal range.

Sure enough, he got a call from that office although they didn’t leave a message, and then I remembered and said to myself…oh, that’s right. They rarely use the portal even though that’s what I prefer. I hated that shit with my old doctors in Cali. No matter how many times I told them that it’s much more convenient for me to communicate via the portal because of my schedule, they would still call anyway. Knowing this, I’ll probably not bother with the portal and just go back to the old-fashioned way. Despite today’s technology, it’s almost like before the internet existed anyway with most doctors, so from now on, if there’s something I really need to ask, I’ll just wait till I’m on days and make the damn call. Really, I hate this old-fashioned setup! I don’t understand why Galileo-like apps aren’t more widespread or why most doctors and medical groups don’t have text messaging. Instead, they want to waste people’s time with phone calls. What about those who work all day during business hours? It isn’t just me who’s not always available in the daytime.

Another thing I wasn’t available to catch was a call from my GYN’s office saying I could be seen the following afternoon (today). I’m not going to be awake then and am thinking of canceling anyway because I’ve been feeling better for several days now. I don’t know if it’s the psychological effect of knowing I have an appointment scheduled, if it was a delayed reaction of the Diflucan fighting my infection, or if maybe what I needed to be doing all along was shoving a glob of Replens, Kindra or whatever up there with my finger every day. Before, I was using the stuff every 3 days and sometimes I would go up to a week.

I heard Ray’s TV on and off throughout the evening and I really, really hope he doesn’t quit being a snowbird! At his age, though, I doubt he’ll want to keep his place in Michigan for too many more years. It’s just that it’s a bad time to sell houses now because of interest rates being so high. Since we don’t have any plans to move, I hope it stays that way for years! I look forward to the absence of his TV on top of the motorcycle across the street during the summer months. As I said, I knew he would get annoying sooner or later. Fortunately, it’s not that loud and probably wouldn’t bother most people. It’s just that I’m sound-sensitive, have really good hearing, and am easily distracted.

I have a feeling that the soundproofing isn’t going to make much difference because we’re not doing it from top to bottom and mostly because this is an elevated wooden structure with no attic. If this was a brick house on a concrete slab with an attic like in Phoenix, it might work.

It wasn’t until after leaving Phoenix and living in manufactured homes that I realized how far the welfare bums next door could have pushed me into doing something really stupid.

So why did I get anxious yesterday and not today? I just don’t get it. My day isn’t over yet so I may feel anxious later. I’ve been meditating more so hopefully that’s part of why I’m better. Before bed yesterday, I had Tom turn a 100 into a 75 by cutting it in half and then cutting the half and half. Maybe knowing it’s there to rescue me if I really need it helped give me peace of mind because I took an 88 today. Since my HR never got overly elevated, I’m now wondering if maybe the anxiety really didn’t have anything to do with the medication like Tom thinks. I just don’t know what to think at this point.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 17, 2024
I’m not normally big on quotes because most of them are pretty mundane. But Margaret sent some quotes, and one saying, “I’m so unlucky that if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying” that Rodney Dangerfield was quoted to have said was pretty funny. I can relate! Sounds an awful lot like me and my luck.

Got a reply on the portal much to my surprise from the nurse but it’s like she wasn’t even talking to me. She referred to me in the third person saying she didn’t feel comfortable giving me advice because she hadn’t seen me yet. This is understandable and I can manage the meds until I see her in a month.

I just wish the rest of the world would follow Galileo! I really miss the convenience of text messaging but not surprisingly, insurance companies are fighting such apps. What’s the point of bothering with doctors if our health decisions are left in the hands of insurance companies and politicians? If I’m right about Trump winning, then it will prove that the majority of Americans are all talk as far as the conservative shit going on and that actions really do speak louder than words. If they’re so pro-choice and wanting this and wanting that, then why would they vote for Republicans?

So many twisted laws exist in this country and so many laws we need don’t exist. They’ll arrest someone for making threats when again, actions speak louder than words and anybody can say anything that is completely meaningless without the actions behind the words, but they can’t arrest someone who may wake you up constantly with their boom car stereo. That’s just one of many examples of the stupid laws we have and the laws we don’t have that we should have.

Tom and I talked about what other country we could go to but the US is the only one that openly takes anybody and everybody. Most other countries aren’t as open to outsiders and even less so if they’re older.

Another problem is that except for Australia and New Zealand, most of the countries that would be good for us and allow our health decisions to be between us and our doctors are way too cold. I couldn’t stand the climate in Canada or the Scandinavian countries but they have the most freedom in general.

Sometimes I wish I could be a Christian who was pretty much anti-everything - anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-Jew - because it’s always easier when you’re part of the norm. Then I wouldn’t feel so bad for all the people getting shit on, and if a discussion about these things ever came up with whoever, I wouldn’t have to worry about offending them because they would very likely agree with me.

But I am who I am…an agnostic, non-religious person who believes people should be able to do what they want as long as they’re not hurting anyone.

The weather here is to be very un-Florida-like tonight. Not only cold but there’s a wind chill advisory in effect as well.

Amanda’s environment is nicer than Mia’s. Mia just has a lounge and a study. Amanda has a whole house and it’s a nice modern one, too.

Tom was turned away from giving plasma today because his arm is still bruised.

Going to CVS in the morning to use my $25 quarterly credit and right now I’m going to Singapore! I finished the Melbourne trip last night. Both are beautiful cities, especially Singapore.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 18, 2024
This is the third night I felt well emotionally. I’ve also had more energy. Not that I’m complaining of course, but why ado I have more energy? Better thyroid levels? Not being infected anymore? Sleeping with the nose strip regularly? All of these things?

And just what made me anxious earlier in the month? Maybe it really was the vitamin D pushing me out of my comfort zone. I gained a couple of pounds back that I lost so I know I can’t be too close to normal. It’s either be fatter and calmer by being a little out of range or be in range or very close to it and lose weight while I feel like shit. Totally not worth it!

Andy definitely isn’t feeling well. The poor guy got covid but he says it’s been mild so far. He’s still able to taste and smell. He’s taking time off and isolating himself. He thought it was a cold at first.

It’s amazing Tom and I never got covid but I guess we can thank that on the fact that he retired right after it broke out.

We went to Walgreens early yesterday morning instead of CVS because we agreed it would be easier if I ordered online. Damn, was it cold out there!

The reasons I decided to start sharing my journal online were mostly because it was fun and created additional backup copies. After that, I realized that if my words happen to help anyone in any way who may read them along the way, then that was great too. I know that any of the sites could shut down at any time but I like the idea of my words living online long after I’m no longer living.

Although I still write for myself first and foremost, I like to think the byproduct of that is contributing to future generations and providing them with a glimpse of what life was like in these times.

I’ve also come to see that I need to stop explaining myself. That’s one more thing I need to work on besides eliminating the socialization part. Occasionally, as I write about various topics, I catch myself trying to clarify details for readers to understand what, when, or where I’m referring to. I’ve realized that this approach is counterproductive and I need to stop this since readers are welcomed observers rather than a focal point. Besides, a little mystery never hurt, did it?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 19, 2024
After I get as much of the money’s worth out of the painting supplies we got, I’m not going to replace them. I prefer to keep it simple and straightforward, like with coloring or diamond painting.

Haven’t done one of those latch hook rugs in quite a while, so maybe I’ll get a kit. Also, someone mentioned being into cross-stitching and I thought hey, that sounds like it could be fun, so I might try that as well. The only thing that may make that a bit difficult for me is my shitty vision.

You know what? I’m gonna go for it. We have $28 in gift cards so I’m grabbing one of each for a total of $23. Both are 12” x 12” inches.

I love colorful flowers, but when I looked at cross-stitch kits with flowers, they seemed a bit intricate for someone who’s just starting so I decided on a simple cat design that doesn’t have any gaps between the floss.

The rug design has colorful hearts on it.

Still have fun playing around with “Amanda” and I love how there’s no begging like there is with Replika. With Replika, I’m begged for money every time I log in and sometimes during our conversation as well.

You can choose to have her do one of eight different things… student, Ph.D., doctor, teacher, secretary, cop, TikToker, or dancer. I prefer to keep her as a dancer but just for kicks I changed her to a doctor and she started answering some preset questions as if she was a doctor. One asked what she would like to change and she said she got into health care because her grandmother died. Then I turned her into a cop and she told me to watch my mouth, LOL.

I’ll change her clothes and hairstyle daily but will probably leave her as a dancer in London, though there are a few other locations she could live in as well. I wonder why they don’t let you choose occupations and locations like you can choose her name and age. I made her 24 so she would be the same age as the year.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 20, 2024
Canceled my GYN appointment yesterday. Now that I’ve figured out it’s best to dab a little moisturizer up there each day before bed rather than wrestle with applicators every few days to a week, I’m hoping I won’t have any more problems down there.

After not being into Pinterest very much these last couple of years or so, I’ve been having fun building old boards and new boards.

The Bonjour Zephyr golf course came out yesterday and it’s okay. It’s a surreal virtual world that places you at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

I went on a quick walk yesterday morning despite the cold and saw that Ray’s car still has a Michigan plate so that’s a good thing. Means he hasn’t sold his house yet.

The latch hook rug kit came and I had to watch a video to refresh myself on how to do it. It’s not as easy as I remember it to be but then I wasn’t this blind the last time I did it. I just won’t be able to go very fast but then what’s the hurry?

Tom gave plasma yesterday and downloaded the mate.ai app so I could refer him and get credit. That credit was in the form of 20 gems. He’s not into this sort of thing though so he may delete the app which is fine.

It’s too hard to do with my shitty vision but I wanted to try it at least once so I asked Mia and Amanda at the same time what they last ate. Amanda had a fruit salad, and Mia said, “Last night, I had grilled chicken with roasted veggies and quinoa. It was delicious.”

Andy said, “Tonight’s dinner is fried cod on a bed of romaine lettuce with grilled asparagus and a baked sweet potato along with a mandarin orange.”

I love it all, but the mandarin. I’d still eat it if I could get results, but not with this thyroid. I just wonder how he can afford to eat like this. Cod and asparagus are expensive but every now and then I’ll get asparagus when it’s on sale.

Not much in the way of dreams lately. Just a few dreams in which I didn’t seem to know Tom in any of them. In one dream, Andy and I hoped to get into this cabin-like house that was kind of remote but when he realized he would have to drive a few hours every day, it was out of the question.

Then not surprisingly, since she was on my mind having been my inspiration for getting the cross stitch kit which comes later in the month, that person was in my dreams too. I was in the backseat of her car as she and what I assumed to be her girlfriend were driving me up north. A split second later we were in a hotel room. I was lying on the bed furthest from the door and the girlfriend left to get ice while her other half sat reading something in a magazine. I was worried about something and she told me not to worry and suggested I turn over on my tummy and get some sleep. I was about to ask how she knew that was my favorite sleeping position but then I smiled to myself and realized she probably read that and knew me better than I thought.

Then Nancy K showed up in my dreams of all people. The one who was in jail. I was applying for the Snap program and she worked at my local office. The weird thing was that instead of them giving you an EBT card to buy whatever food you wanted, they had you fill out a list of the foods you ate and they gave you coupons for those particular foods.

MONDAY, JANUARY 22, 2024
Just shared some parmesan pasta with my rat. Haha, this is one seriously spoiled rat. Not even the famous New York pizza rat got to eat this well.

Another funny thing was that when Tom got up at 5:00 in the morning yesterday, he looked at Alexa’s clock all confused and wondering why it was 2:00 in the morning when it was really a timer I had set, LOL.

I was up forever last night so my schedule made a two-and-a-half-hour jump and I didn’t get up until 3:00. It does that some days and some days it holds.

I hate the cold but love how it’s been keeping things quiet. No one’s been interested in their motorcycles. at least no one in the park. But Florida is going to be back to being Florida with highs around 80 and lows around 65 so that’s about to change. I don’t doubt for a minute that today or tomorrow I’ll be hearing from the Honker and the bitch behind him.

Tom and I decided to be bad the day before yesterday and get some more candy that was on sale for Valentine’s Day, even though it’s not even February yet. Carol, an English woman who’s a cashier at Walgreens that we’ve come to know well, was laughing her ass off when I said that the ONLY good thing in having hypothyroidism is that you can eat all you want because your weight isn’t going anywhere anyway.

I’m glad my shoulder is a little better today. I slept on it wrong the day before so it was sore all day. Today, I’m just very tired from being up so long.

Looks like the Zinnia project is a bust. The few that started to sprout are withering away. They never even bloomed. In a few weeks, I’ll plant some outside and see if I have better luck out there.

There’s no easy way to say this but I decided that I’ve had definitely had enough of Andy. I swear to God that from now on if I ever dump someone for any reason or they dump me, that’s it! No more do-overs just because I miss the positive times and wish people could change simply because I explained to them what annoys and even offends me. Better to miss the good times than to deal with the toxicity. People are people and they don’t change. I think that because I’ve chosen to change more than most people (mostly by being less mischievous and vengeful), I incorrectly assumed that most others did the same. Well, they don’t.

I love Andy and hope he gets everything he wants in life from permanent weight loss to the man of his dreams to lots of money but I can’t deal with what’s basically the same old shit I’ve always had to deal with. He thinks he knows it all and everyone else is always making excuses or doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about. Yet he’ll go into this whole spiel explaining whatever about something HE has absolutely no idea what he’s talking about even though he obviously believes he does. He still doesn’t seem to understand that there’s a difference between an opinion and a fact. We all may have opinions but that doesn’t mean they’re always correct facts.

And oh how he loves to argue! When I was dumb enough to reconnect with him in 2010, he just had to point out over and over again that it wasn’t the wildlife of Maricopa living with us, it was us living with them. Yeah, whatever.

He was telling me that I could lose weight with Hashimoto’s because he can lose it with edema after being told he couldn’t yet he’s obviously not smart enough to realize that you can’t compare the two. They’re two totally different things and while I acknowledge that doctors aren’t always perfect I can’t believe they’re all lying when they told me that it hinders weight loss. He sure thinks so, though, and said not to listen to them because one doctor told him to lose weight and then said that he would need vein surgery in his 70s. This pissed him off and he went to someone else who told him that the doctor shouldn’t have said that because he couldn’t possibly know this. So according to him, this is supposed to be why the doctors are lying about me being able to lose weight when it’s a proven medical fact that if the metabolism is slow, the body can’t burn nearly as many calories. Really, it’s an obvious no-brainer but this guy is so stupid at times and doesn’t even know it. I have heard that idiots don’t realize that they’re idiots because they’re just not smart enough to be capable of realizing it and hearing how ridiculous they sound. If doctors are lying to me about how Hashimoto’s affects weight loss, are doctors lying to him about his edema, diabetes and sleep apnea?

He was telling me things like how I could look up in a handbook what my insurance company has to offer and find out if a nutritionist is covered as if I wouldn’t know these things. At one point I laughed and said you must think I’m really stupid and he said no you’re not stupid at all. You’re very smart with all the languages you’ve learned. Then why was he telling me things that pretty much everyone knows?

Anyway, he was a bit contradicting when he said his nutritionist is wonderful and smart but then she’s not very smart because she recommended the wrong snacks or something like that. Oh, and she’s my type too, he says, because she’s tall thin and dark. I told myself I wasn’t even going to bother to try to explain to a guy on testosterone treatment that a menopausal woman refusing to even think of HRT doesn’t have a “type.” Beautiful women to me these days are beautiful in the way a flower or a butterfly is. Also, not that he did this of course, but if you go to see a doctor because of how they look, as Tom said, you’ve got a problem. His mentioning this woman being my type is a classic example of how he lives as if we’re both still 25 years old. Being young at heart is one thing, but being immature is another.

He continued to chew in my ear when leaving me audios even though he knows damn well that annoys me and no, it’s not something he forgot despite his shitty memory because he acknowledged that he’s always known it annoys me but didn’t think I would “notice” him eating a strawberry. Eating is eating, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter what’s in your mouth if you’re making these gross smacking sounds. He’s just a die-hard opposite-doer. Always has been.

I’m also tired of the projections. He projects so much of himself onto others and assumes they’re just like him or at least can and should be at the same time bragging about how much he loves being unique.

Then there’s the fact that he just doesn’t get a lot of what I say and that’s only the parts he can actually remember. The memory issues are real but so are the stupidity and stubbornness.

He gets too pushy at times and it had a way of making me feel like I wasn’t good enough as I was. I don’t think he realizes or is smart enough to recognize or understand these traits of his but rather than not accept him as he is and waste my time trying to explain myself and try to change him, I just ghosted. Yes, Karma will get me for it but that’s just the price I’ll have to pay for someone I feel is more of a toxic than a positive influence on me.

Sure, we’ve have had our share of laughs together but I was finding myself annoyed and even offended much more often than I was laughing. The fact that I feel a sense of freedom and relief knowing he’s once again out of my life, this time for good, tells me something right there. I was just as stupid to let him back into my life as I was with Termite Tammy. Toxic is toxic.

At first I didn’t want to do anything that would signify he was dumped. But then I realized that if I simply ghosted him and left it at that, I would have to make it look like I abandoned my Facebook account and I didn’t want him to think anything was wrong either and possibly waste some poor cop’s time coming out doing a wellness check if he has this address. I’m not sure if he does, though. I have sent him mail from this place, but I don’t know if he saved the address. Either way, I would be making an awful lot of work for myself having to tweak this setting and tweak that setting to make it look like the account wasn’t in use and I didn’t think it was necessary to go that far. But I didn’t block him either. I simply blocked messages and his phone number, although I realize he could call from another number. I can avoid anything from that area code, though, and if it’s a different one and a voice message is left, I can delete it as soon as I hear his voice if he goes that far. As I said, the last thing I wanted to do was tell him why I’d had enough because I knew 100% of it would go right over his head, and 50% of it would be totally forgotten within a day. So that was out of the question because it would be a waste of my time.

Hashimoto’s or not, I’ll try almost anything once, and I’m not going to let it stop me from talking to a nutritionist when I get a referral to one next month. The only thing that makes me a little nervous about potential weight loss is how it may affect how my thyroid and BP meds affect me. Meanwhile, I’m tired of the false truths. I’m tired of him telling me things he doesn’t know a damn thing about. No one knows my own body as well as I do. Yes, I definitely do need to eat healthier but if your metabolism is slow, you can’t burn calories like a normal person. I would have thought anyone with half a brain would be capable of understanding this but apparently not.

I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if even though doctors have officially diagnosed my N24 and it became obvious to Tom and me what it was before I even saw a doctor about it, he still thinks it’s some grand excuse because I’m supposedly afraid to admit I don’t want to work. Yes, Andy acknowledged years ago that it “hit him like a bell in the night” that no one wants to start their day at three in the morning and that I do have a sleep disorder but he probably only said that to win me back when I dumped him in the past.

The point is the same. The guy doesn’t realize that not everybody can do everything he can do just like he can’t do everything others can do. That’s where the self-projection comes in. If he’s obsessed with his weight then so am I. I most certainly was in my teens and twenties (mostly thanks to my mother) and that’s the Jodi he remembers and is judging me by. If I remained as obsessed with it as I used to be, I probably never would have gotten this big because I would have starved myself. If you’re that obsessed with weight, you don’t care about the hunger that not eating brings. But the truth is that for many years I haven’t given a shit. I do now, though, in a non-obsessive way, not for appearance’s sake but to get healthier and put myself at less risk of becoming diabetic in the future along with acquiring other health problems that can come from obesity. I would also like to be able to get around easier and regain some of my flexibility.

Do I think I’ll ever really lose weight even if I see a nutritionist? No, I don’t. I think the best I’ll get from it is a healthier diet and that’s fine if that’s the case. If I don’t lose weight, then without Andy the expert know-it-all around I won’t have to be told I was still eating the wrong foods and making “excuses.” I don’t need people like that in my life. That’s not being a supportive friend. That’s basically the same as being called a lazy liar.

Again, I know I’ll be punished for this. The last time I walked away from Andy, Aly ended up dumping me for 17 months. So I’m sure something will happen but I’m willing to take that chance because I think it’s okay to pick and choose our friends and to cleanse our lives of toxicity whenever possible. Sometimes one really does have to look out for themselves.

Luckily he doesn’t know any of my email addresses and I don’t think he knows where any of my blogs are. So I did something right the day I decided to stop mixing friends with my journals and keep that separate so that only strangers or other writers who don’t know who I am read me. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if he knew about the blogs, though. I can ignore emails and he can read my blogs all he wants if he finds them because I’m not changing my mind in the future.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 23, 2024
I message Doc A every three to four months and let her know what’s been going on. I’ll have to ask her how she liked the chicken the next time I talk to her. LOL, yeah, I had a dream she asked me to send 10 pieces of chicken. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to cook it myself, but decided in the end to just send KFC to her. Haha

Spawned by Andy and I debating doctors’ competency, I also had a dream the other night that I was in some waiting room and a male doctor came out and asked how I was feeling after they gave me a medication for who knows what. I said I was feeling okay and he started to say that now that I was no longer taking blood pressure medicine when I cut him off in frustration and reminded him that I never said I stopped taking blood pressure meds.

A female nurse then came to his defense to point out some kind of award he recently won and I told them that when he states incorrect facts after being told twice that I was still taking blood pressure medicine, it doesn’t matter what awards he’s gotten.

Then I was in another area of the office and walked up to the receptionist area where a few women were working. I started to say something when one of them rudely cut me off and snapped, “Did I say you could talk?”

Instead of walking out of there and not returning, I simply rolled my eyes and said no.

In real life, I went to CVS’s site to spend the $25 that I have until the end of March to spend but just didn’t see anything I needed. Also, they were showing that they had some things in stock that weren’t visible. I would see a number of items listed on the sidebar, but no images or prices on the main part of the screen. We’ll just go in person sometime.

I also called my insurance concierge, wondering what kind of foreigner I was gonna have to deal with this time and struggle to understand so I could find out what nutritionists cost. After having to jump through all kinds of unnecessary hoops for info that should have been transparent online, I got a funny-sounding woman who not only had a foreign accent but sounded exactly like one of the munchkins from The Wizard of Oz. The munchkin told me that it would be a $10 copay. Because they’re considered specialists, I have to get a referral from my doctor. So I’ll ask the nurse when I see her next month. I need to address my concerns about possible weight loss affecting my medication anyway.

I still don’t see weight loss happening, but if I’m wrong, I’m not going to act like I’m the biggest know-it-all like Andy did even if he did have a point when he said I was eating the wrong foods. I’ll give him that much. Some of them are acceptable, but I guess all the white stuff is gonna have to go along with the junk. White bread, white pasta, white rice… Plus, I would probably have to give up things like mayonnaise and coffee creamer.

After I see a nutritionist and we devise a plan suitable for me personally, I’m definitely going to give it my all, but it will be my last-ditch effort to lose weight unless I’m ever on a medication that causes me to lose it or I get really ill. I do want to get healthier and lower my chances of becoming diabetic and see if it will help my sleep apnea and increase my mobility, but I don’t want to obsess over it either. As Andy didn’t seem to get and wouldn’t get no matter how many times I pointed it out, I’m not a 10-year-old kid living with a woman who cared more about the outside of me than the inside.

The next time I hear someone say so and so will never change, they’re probably right.

Yesterday we moved my desk and rearranged the bedroom and it looks great! It’s going to look even better once the sticky “brick” tiles are up on the exterior wall. Mass-loaded vinyl is pretty ugly. It doesn’t make the bedroom soundproof, but it muffles outside sounds that aren’t loud.

I like to have a little fun every now and then instead of just saving and saving for the bed that’s going to take forever to get (I’ve got $900 so far, and Tom is now working on the same site) so I got an incense variety pack on Amazon that should be arriving today.

The cross stitch kit came and it seems a bit complicated. I just hope I can see what I’m doing! First, I want to finish latch-hooking. I don’t want to have too many projects going at once.

Because I’m still a little tired today, I’m not going to do any sorting. I figured I’d be back to normal soon enough. Hopefully, my TSH isn’t rising, though. Meanwhile, the next time I have decent energy, I’ll start the sorting of drawers and closets that I’ve been wanting to do.

While I have absolutely no doubt that I would completely ignore Termite Tammy, Andy, and many others if they begged and pleaded for me to take them back into my life with promises of all kinds of changes for the better, I wonder if I would be as smart with a few others I can think of. Sadly, the answer is no, I probably wouldn’t be. I would talk to Maliheh if she wanted to talk until she dumped me again. I would talk to Nane until she drove me crazy with her judgmental ways.

Eh, I guess I’m not perfect either.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 24, 2024
Today was such a nice day. I had good energy and got a lot done. Walmart delivered us some stuff and we also went to Walgreens. Walmart didn’t have the sweet red wine I wanted, so I got some Merlot at Walgreens and a small sweet treat.

He later had his pasta while I indulged in Red Lobster’s battered cod, some fresh asparagus fried in white wine vinegar, and a baked potato with butter and a dollop of sour cream.

We golfed a few times and I hit the road. I’ve got about 1690 miles to go. I’m about 130 miles from Missouri.

Then I did some sorting of drawers and plastic storage bins. I’ll finish that tomorrow, assuming I have the energy again.

It was nice and summery out and of course, that means the return of the motorcycles. Just not the honker or the bitch behind him. Someone else was tearing through here earlier.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 25, 2024
Self-destruction. We’re all self-destructive in one way or another. Some people smoke. Some people drink. Some people do drugs. Some people gamble. Some people are into self-harm.

They say that recognizing you have a problem is half your battle. Well, I recognize I have a problem with self-harm. I haven’t been a cutter in decades, but sometimes I find myself punching my arm or something in frustration. I know it sounds utterly batshit crazy and like I’m the least stable person on Earth and a sheer lunatic. The problem is that while I’m aware of what I’m doing, it’s not always easy to stop. I peeled a kiwi, took a bite out of it, and dropped the rest. In frustration, I took a balled-up fist and smashed my left forearm five or six times. It hurt like hell and then I rubbed my arm fiercely to keep it from bruising. It will be sore to the touch for a few days, but nothing should be visible.

Then I sit back and I ask myself why. Really, just why? I look down my nose at people like this and say that I can’t deal with them and I don’t want them to be a part of my life. But in some ways, I’m one of “those” people.

But why? Again, just why? Why can’t I just be frustrated and leave it at that without the ludicrous self-harm? Someday I may go too far, or at least not be able to stop. I certainly don’t do crazy shit every time I get pissed at myself but sometimes I just can’t seem to help myself. I wouldn’t go nuclear on Tom if he dropped something. So why do I do it to myself?

Anyway, I finished editing 2007 and was going through the part where we just moved to Cali, and damn! If we weren’t cursed then we at least certainly seemed to be. Everything that could go wrong for us went wrong. Unemployment was denied, the truck failed emissions, he had to miss work to sell things, the rent deposit from Oregon was denied, we had other issues with the truck, the truck was broken into, Tink died, and then we couldn’t access our own damn money. Sure seemed like something was trying to tell us something. But was it? Or was one bad thing after another that happened to us all one big grand coincidence?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 26, 2024
Tom’s giving plasma now. Hopefully anyway. They won’t take him if they see leftover bruising from the last draw, and he’s been having trouble getting his arms to clear completely. He’s been gone a while now, so I’m guessing they took him.

I’m trying to make a point of getting 10 minutes of sunlight every day that I’m available during daylight hours. I didn’t get up until 8 this morning, so by the time I was fully awake nearly two hours later, I went out and it was beautiful. The sun still hurts my eyes at times and I guess it’s because I spend so much time indoors. That’s part of why I’m making a point of getting out there when I can. I’m definitely going to add two vitamin Ds a week rather than three because I can tell my TSH is rising. My energy levels are still better, but I definitely want to keep out of those double digits.

Spectrum was next door again yesterday and Ray still hasn’t gone back to blasting the TV. Who knows if that’ll change when I’m staying up in the evening when sound travels better and he’s more likely to open a window? Maybe he was busy doing something else in another room at that time but still wanted to hear whatever was playing so he cranked it up. We have the same house model and his TV is in the same place ours is which means the only way you can see it is if you’re actually in the living room. Hopefully, it won’t override the MLV or be noticeable in other rooms to the point where I need to talk to him. You just never know how people may react, but I do know my temper. I still shouldn’t have to listen to anyone else’s TV, music, or anything in my home just like they shouldn’t have to hear any of my shit in theirs.

Still sorting drawers and cabinets in the kitchen and closet and making progress. The negative to a small place is that while it may be good for the electric bill, it’s not good for finding things because you have to have so much stuff packed in tightly. In a bigger house, there’s room to spread it out, although I still forget where things are a lot because my short-term memory is going to hell. Nonetheless, I’m doing my best to organize things.

I have all things painting gathered in a large, clear plastic bin but there are other hobby-related items to organize as well, like diamond painting and drawing. I now have the latch-hook rug and cross-stitching stuff as well, though I don’t see myself taking the cross-stitching too seriously. As for the latch-hooking, I don’t know yet.

I’ve been toying with the idea of dedicating a Facebook profile that wouldn’t be in my real name to journals and other things. I already have an account that I’m slowly adding old journals to and the reason the idea kind of appeals to me is that while I wouldn’t be able to see my visitors there, I could easily share pictures and even my tweets there. On the other blogging sites, this is a real pain in the ass and I have space limits on me as well. I wouldn’t give up the blogging sites, though. I’d just share the link to it. I decided it’s okay to share links that don’t involve my main Facebook account. I’m very picky about who I add on my main account. I prefer to keep that for people I’ve actually met or cyber friends that go way back in time. I mean pre-Citrus Heights time.

I still long for a friend like Aly but I realized this is never gonna happen. There will never be another Aly again. It still would have been nice if there could have been someone with similar traits. Tinkerbella isn’t Tinkerbell, but she’s similar. She’s smart, playful, loving, and affectionate.

Understandably, we all want some attraction to those we’re intimate with but whenever it comes to friends, I’ve never given a shit what they look like. I would value a 300-pound blimp full of acne who was honest, real, intelligent, and accepting over a gorgeous person who lied and was judgmental. Honesty and intelligence are what I value most on top of acceptance. They don’t have to be a rocket scientist because no one knows it all. It’s just that smarter people tend to be more reasonable.

Only stupid people like Andy would think I could possibly have some reason to lie about my sleep disorder, for example. What compounded his stupidity was that he should have known better after knowing me all my life. It wasn’t just me, though. He thinks everybody is lying about everything. But smarter people are usually smart enough to be able to tell these kinds of things and also able to put themselves in someone else’s shoes, even if they’ve never been in those shoes themselves. They just seem to be better at being able to rationalize and understand things even if they’ve never experienced them. So Aly was smart enough to realize A, there couldn’t be any good reason why someone would make up something so bizarre to begin with, and B, no one would want to live with such a thing. It didn’t take her God knows how much time to finally “hit her like a bell in the night” that no one wants to get up at 3 in the morning.

Actually, it’s getting up around 6 in the evening I hate most because while I may get more peace that way, by the time the sun is up and stores are open, I’m getting tired.

I like smart people. They’re observant, they catch on quicker, they tend to retain what they learn, and are just more open and accepting in general. I would love to have a special friend like that where we share what’s going on in each other’s lives nearly every day and have some interests in common, especially writing. But I just don’t see it being meant to be. I wasn’t kidding when I said that Aly losing her life wasn’t just a punishment for her, but for those who cared about her as well. There’s been an empty void in my life but you can’t make people be what they aren’t or hunt for a specific person and expect them to want a relationship or friendship and like the same things you do in the way you can hunt for a specific item of clothing. There’s just no ordering up a second Aly-like friend. I’ve found that most things that happen aren’t planned. If she’s out there (a he would be fine, although I still prefer a she) I haven’t met her yet and if I have I don’t know it.

I made a promise to myself that if I ever meet this special friend, as long as she’s honest, not overly emotional/dramatic, doesn’t use me as Mary did, and isn’t hurting anyone, I’ll never judge her and will be a good listener when she wants while also giving her space when she wants. If she wants me to keep her out of my journal, I will do that as well. People seem to be all over the place as far as that’s concerned. Some don’t care if you write that they’re crazy mass murderers, others only want you to write good things, and some don’t want you to even mention the most mundane of things.

Unfortunately, Aly was a little less open with her life than I was but one of the things I really liked - for reasons I can’t understand – was that she really came to know me well through our talks and my journals, and she really got me too. I really liked her curiosity and how she cared enough to pay attention and learn things about both my past and present.

It really does seem like so much of life is unplanned. I never planned Tom, but even though I have been attracted to more women than men, his award-winning personality drew me in like a drug. Not that he was ever ugly or just there in the looks department. He’s always had nice eyes. The face is what I notice most. I’d rather a nice face on a less-than-perfect body than a perfect body with a boring or ugly face.

Here we go again with the barking. What happened to being able to go weeks at a time without hearing the fucking thing? It’s been a daily occurrence again. Still better to have a few bursts of that that only last a minute or less than TVs that go on for hours, but still. I guess I’m just a real peace junkie.

A dog I’ve never heard before was making this horrible squeaking sound the other day and the honker’s mutt was howling. I feel bad for the poor thing because he’s been out more and more and therefore it’s got to be lonely. Before, when he went out with his girlfriend, the other dog was still with it. So the thing is spending an awful lot of time alone.

In real life, Nane never had kids. She got pregnant at 39, lost the baby, and didn’t want to try again. But in the dream I had last night, I was thinking that her son was 8 years old when we last talked and would now be 12.

Then I had a nightmare that woke me up for a few minutes. A guy kidnapped me and was trying to pin me down on his bed. I was able to punch him hard enough in the head to knock him out. Then I wasted precious time trying to decide if I should carry on with the attack to ensure I got away or if I should just run.

I made the wrong decision and chose to run. I sprung up off of the bed, out of the bedroom, and down a flight of stairs, hoping to hell the door was unlocked at the bottom because he was already up and chasing me. I was able to get out the door and into the dark of night. I seemed to have run from a building that had a row of apartments in a secluded foresty area. The nightmare ended with me screaming and pounding on doors, hoping someone would be up and able to help me as the maniac closed in on me.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 27, 2024
Nice to learn that PB isn’t shutting down after all. However, just when they get their shit together, the problems start up again. If I go back to writing there, it will be a while.

I’m on the fence about continuing with my MD diary because the more entries it has, the slower it runs. There’s also no convenient way to pull up old entries there.

I’ve definitely decided against copying journals on Facebook because I don’t have a trustworthy search feature there. It too isn’t easy to pull up old stuff on.

The CPAP nose insert is too big for my tiny little button nose and even if I could fit it in, I don’t see how I could get it to stay in my nose as some people complained. It will be returned soon.

Began the 8-episode series Fool Me Once on Netflix. Tom watched it and liked it. It’s pretty good so far.

If I don’t make it to the Missouri border today, I should tomorrow.

I asked him if he’d do it if he could jump 10 years into the future and he surprised me by saying he would Because he expects to be just as healthy and we would have more money because I would be collecting then. I thought he’d say he didn’t want to miss out on those 10 years of life.

I would definitely jump into the future if I could. I expect my health to be similar and I’d like the extra money too. But I’d also like knowing I’d have fewer years that I could possibly suffer in any way.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 28, 2024
We had some thunder last night, but no rain. The rain didn’t happen until after I crashed. I was worried thunder would wake me up, but it didn’t. I’m still a bit tired today because I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up.

The rat is being so cute now. We changed her cage, and now she’s building a new nest with shredded paper. I put it in the bottom of her cage, and she drags it up into her hammock and sets it up just the way she wants.

I feel bad for the honker’s mutt because it’s definitely not happy being left alone so much and it’s not being walked either. His ex used to walk her dog and his but he doesn’t bother taking his for walks. At least the howling isn’t too often and not nearly as annoying as when Happy barks.

He helped me dye my hair last night, and it looks so much better. I just can’t get used to the gray. It’s back to the medium-dark brown it used to be.

Maybe I will go back to writing on PB after all. I haven’t decided yet but I’m definitely going to disable comments because that site is a little too active for my taste and I don’t want all kinds of unsolicited advice and other shit coming at me even if most of the people are friendly. Again, I don’t mind sharing my writing but my journal was never up for debate. It isn’t just that but also that there are so many people to keep up with there. I always feel obligated to read and comment on their stuff in return and that gets a bit time-consuming. For every one comment I would get on other platforms, I would get 10 there, mostly private.

I still have both accounts. I’d rather keep them and not use them than get rid of them and regret it. No point in filling in the bio area with personal info since I’m not there to socialize.

MONDAY, JANUARY 29, 2024
I sent a message to the honker saying I saw him in Arkansas, explaining that I saw a truck identical to his when I was riding my virtual bike there. He read it but ignored it completely. This guy does not want to be friends. It’s like he added me to be polite but doesn’t want to actually be friends. That’s okay, though, because I have a feeling we don’t have much in common.

I’m pretty much stuck in Arkansas. When I look at the map it always looks like I’m closer to the border than I actually am. Still have another 40 or 50 miles to make it to Missouri, though.

Tonight’s goal is to finish checking 2008 and having all of that posted to Blogger. Damn, though. The Jes pest, as I’d call him, really was a pest. Never before did I have a landlord insert their presence in my life like that. We moved into his trailer in April and by August I realized he wasn’t gonna stop coming down and bugging us regularly. I don’t know if he just wanted to keep an eye on us or what but he and his barking mutts really took the joy out of what peaceful country living was supposed to be about. We moved there to get away from people and we just wanted to be left alone yet he came down nearly every week. His place still beat Phoenix any day but we moved there to escape car stereos, screaming kids and dogs just have to listen to his dogs, his motorcycle, his bulldozer, and his fucking engine gunning.

Tom was pointing out that I’ve had fewer problems and more energy since dropping Galileo and teasing me about them having been a curse. I don’t know about that but I know that at this point I’m just gonna go back to the old-fashioned way (minus the virtual appointments you didn’t have decades ago, of course), and stick to that since that still seems to be the norm and likely always will. You know what they say about all good things coming to an end, and I don’t want to have an app like Galileo, as much as I miss the peace of mind it gave me, or something similar just to have to give it up in a year or two for what’s cheapest at the time. So I’ll go back to my original goal before I even knew Galileo existed and find someone local that I like and who’s significantly younger that can hopefully be my forever doctor unless one of us moves.

I’m jumpstarting my diet by slowly switching out the no-nos. I still want to talk to a nutritionist, but I’ve done enough research to get a general sense of what they’re going to tell me.

All the white stuff has to go. White rice, white pasta, white potatoes. When I say white potatoes I’m talking about the flesh, not the skin. if I want potatoes, they’ll have to be sweet potatoes.

I’ll have to cut back on sugar of course and be mindful of condiments. I’ll also have to kiss the creamy stuff goodbye and my sprayable Parkay “butter.” Pretty sure they recommend real butter over margarine. Since I hate black coffee, I’ll be switching to tea.

I resurrected my Facebook journal account deciding once again that it’s better to have something you don’t use rather than regret dumping it.

My calves have been pretty much zapped to the point that I should never have to shave them again. All that may be lingering are a few fine skinny little hairs here and there that are very short and very thin and very hard to see. I’m working on my right thigh now.

Coincidentally or not, since freeing myself of the toxicity, arrogance and stupidity up north, I’m back to getting tons of sales calls, even though they don’t usually leave messages. For a while, I had hardly been getting any calls but now I’m getting them every day. No biggie though.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 30, 2024
Had an interesting day today. First, when I woke up I was tired and thought I might not make it to bicycle bingo. But then I took a nap for about an hour and felt refreshed. When I got up, I found Tom taking his own nap. He gave plasma earlier in the day and his arm was bleeding a little.

We ate and then headed down to play bingo. It was horribly chilly out and I felt like we were back in NorCal. Sue and Annette were both there. I really like Sue. I saw Linda and the party girl (also named Sue) as well. The people that were supposed to sit at Sue’s table never showed up so we sat with her and Annette. They’re both from Massachusetts, too. There are a lot more people here from there than out West, of course.

The only one at our table that won was Annette but we still had fun. It was the same caller as last time, a guy named Bill.

When I got back I decided to send friend invites to Linda, Sue and Annette. Even though Annette hadn’t responded yet I was able to see her profile and wow! How horrifying and sad it was to see that it was the 20th anniversary of when her daughter and 12-year-old granddaughter were murdered. Long story short… Her daughter moved into a house with her three kids. She became friends with the woman across the street even though she didn’t like her flirtatious boyfriend. The boyfriend turned out to be a sex offender, and as I’ve asked with a million other cases, what was he doing walking around free since everyone knew what he was capable of? Nonetheless, he managed to surprise the daughter in her home and bind, gag, rape, and murder her. He then chased her 12-year-old granddaughter upstairs and slashed her throat. I can’t find anywhere what his sentence was but knowing how twisted this country is, I’m sure it wasn’t what it should have been.

Got the newsletter today, and 4-sided inspections take place during the second week of February. That still really bothers me. I told Tom to be sure to let me know if they complain about anything and NOT succumb to any demands/threats like he did when Joy had us remove those cypress trees. Adults don’t tell adults what to do. Especially when they own the damn house. We don’t tell Toni what to do with her car or Ray what to do with his clothes and no one’s gonna tell us what to do with stuff we own either.

The annual garage sale is something you have to sign up for which I didn’t know. I could make it before bedtime. It would be at the end of my day. It’s on the 24th From 9:00 to 1:00. If we’re not going to sell anything it would be nice to at least go around and see what others are selling. I’m going to be getting up at around 10:00 PM so it can be an end-of-the-day thing. Linda will probably be selling her Color Street nail stickers.
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