Prisoner to my own body in #Lesbian Problems

August 24 2014
Time: 11:45pm

“I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing”

I don’t even know we’re to began to be honest… It’s like lately I feel like I’m suffocating. Like I’m always that girl to listen to everyone’s problems I’m always that girl that will go out of her way to help anyone, I’m always that girl who will give you my last $5 and take the tshirt off my back just to make sure your not cold… I feel like I do everything for anyone I feel like I can figure out other peoples problems I’m always that therapy to friends coworkers family everyone but at the end of the day I can’t help myself. At the end if the day I’m a pathetic mess at the end of the day my insides are eternally bleeding at the end of the day I just wanna curl up in a little bawl and cry my heart out.

I wanna scream I wanna shout I want to let it all out I want to run. Run far away and leave everything and everyone behind and just start over. I wanna move I want to disappear I want the answer to my life I want the purpose to my destiny.. Will I work in dietary forever and serve people there food. Will I always have to kiss my bosses ass just so she’s nice to me? Will I forever have to continue letting my coworkers take advantage of me because they know if they don’t do we’re there suppose to do they know I’ll be right behind them cleaning up after them and fixing all there mistakes will I continue to let my “friends” walk over me and use me for my low income i have? Will I forever keep making my girlfriend happy even though at the end of the day I want to be on my own I want to be single I just don’t want to do it anymore but I feel like I have to I feel stuck I feel like I need her because I don’t have my own apartment granite I could go back home but I don’t want to I want to be independent plus this freedom I have lately makes me feel alive and it helps me not to feel like a prisoner but the sad thing is I’m a prisoner to my own body. I feel like no matter where I’m at I can never be me. On Facebook I have to monitor my own thoughts in according to my family and church members at work I don’t trust anyone to open up to. I feel like my walls are slowly falling down I feel like depression is sneaking back up on me I feel like I want to throw in the towel and scream “I QUITT” ahhhh I don’t know what to do anymore

And everyone thinks I’m so happy everyone thinks I’ve got it all together everyone thinks I’m doing fine but the sad thing is I play that role so we’ll. I play it to damn we’ll and I’m to stuburn to ask for help or to let anyone know I’m struggling.

I hate this town I hate these people. Everyone is so damn evil and untrustworthy and oh god I’m not saying I’m perfect because I have done my fare share of fuck ups believe me I have and I will be the first to admit that I’m no where near perfect more do I want to be I’m just sick of all of this shitt. And the fact that I’m African American makes my life so much harder I’m constantly proving to people that I’m not the bad guy I’m always proving to people that they don’t have to be afraid of me I’m always proving people that I’m a good person. But what the fuck why should I have to prove that to anyone when I know I’m a good person? It’s because racism and racial profiling still exist and ahhhhhh I’m just getting sick of it. I’m sick of everything and it’s sad because this is the only place were I can truly vent because I never let anyone know how I really feel. But I don’t think it should have to be like that.... What happens if I hurt myself.. No one would know why or what caused it but you guys… And honestly I kinda like it that way because really I am mysterious really I’m awkward and really I’m misunderstood and I like it that way.

I think i may try therapy agian but even my therapist gave up on me… She referred em to another guys and fuck it took me 9 months to trust her so why would I want to start from phase 1 agian? No I don’t want to.... I want Shannon back but my expectations for her are to high I want her to save me I want her to set me free but she can only do so much and I don’t wanna keep having high hopes that she has all the answers ya know????

What no? Somebody tell me???? I don’t know where to go I don’t know how to feel I don’t know how to cry I don’t know why?

— I’m going to sleep. I think my brain needs turned off. Goodnight