And Found Monday, October 04, 2004
Found:
Saturday, my ex boyfriend, Kumbi, came over. Him and I have had some crazy fights, but lately have been getting along pretty well. We hung out pretty much all day on Saturday. That night we were sitting on my couch and he told me he needed to tell me something. I was like, "umm ok."
Then he said, "You know when we broke up... I never... you know stopped..."
And I said, "Ok... You never stopped liking me?"
Then out of no where he says, "i vetem, I love you and I need you back."
So yeah, I was floored. I didn't even know what to say. A million thoughts went through my head. I mean, I did love him at one time. I loved him so much. I remember the day we broke up like it was yesterday. I layed in bed crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I cried for days. I stopped eating. I couldn't sleep. The first three days I couldn't even consentrate at work. I was really messed up in my head. Our fight had been so bad that I had to call the police. He had thrown me against a couch because I had bit him. I bit him because he was holding me down on the floor and telling me how he f**d all these other women while with me. Then he told me in grafic detail what he did to them. The whole time he held me down. I couldn't get up and I couldn't listen to him anymore so I bit him. However, even through that horrible fight my heart still ached when he moved out. He had found another woman and was moving in with her. I was literally suicidal and even wrote an e mail to my sister asking her for help. I had planned my suicide and was getting ready to "do it." I was crying so hard that day that I could hardly drive. I was driving to my parent's house an hour away. God must have been watching me, because I hardly remember the drive home. When I got home, all I remember saying to my mother was, "I don't want to be here anymore." I kept repeating it over and over.
That was over two years ago... almost three. We had both done some crazy shit to each other, but we have mostly forgiven each other. Time heals all wounds. However, I found out he has another domestic violence charge against him. He only gets like that when he's drinking. As a matter of fact, he started getting all mad on Saturday. The more he drank... the more upset he got. (not at me though) Then he started sobering up. After 3 hours of not drinking he was pretty much sober and that's when he started asking for me back.
I loved this man. I loved this man with all my heart. We had such good times together. However, that is all in the past now. I can't seem to love him anymore. As much as I would love to, I just don't feel anything. That part of my life is all closed up. I really don't want him back. However, I want someone to love me. Hearing those words made my heart beat really hard for a moment. It was like I was being told something I have been longing to hear all my life. And yet, now that I heard it, I realize... it probably didn't mean anything. I don't think anything he ever said to me, really meant anything. But damn... it felt so good to hear.
Her
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