Non Alcoholic Sex Please Saturday, September 18, 2004
This entry is very intense... and very personal.... and then it talks about a few things going on in my life. It's a bit long.
There are many things that I really don't like about myself. There are many things that I keep discovering about myself that scare me a lot. Because the thing I discovered last is such a difficult one to discuss, I figured I shouldn't put it in this diary, or perhaps I should make this entry private. Then I thought about it and decided, that's crazy. The reason I made this diary is to get my feelings out. So here goes...
I had sex the other day. The sex was a bit scary for me. It wasn't forced on me or anything. It was between two consentual adults. It wasn't rough. It wasn't freaky. It was with someone I really like and wouldn't mind dating. He was very kind and didn't pressure me in any way. The reason it made me feel so nervous was absolutely clear to me. I knew exactly why I felt so odd. I don't want this to sound funny, because this really upset me. The reason is simple. The reason I felt uncomfortable was because I wasn't drunk. I don't remember the last time I had sex with someone (before this) that I wasn't intoxicated. That is plain scary to me.
This is scary for me for two reasons. The first reason is because it makes me think that I am really becoming an alcoholic. I can't do anything with anyone with out having to have a drink. I used to believe it was because I was shy and felt nervous around people. That's bullshit. I am better than that. I don't need stupid alcohol to talk to someone. Stupid. It's all so stupid and it makes me mad.
The second reason is this. I feel that I get scared having sex with someone while I am sober, but when I am drunk I don't care that it's "just sex." When I am sober I start thinking too much. I think about why I am there. I try to figure out what he's thinking. I try to see if there is any chance that maybe he might have feelings for me too. And here's the kicker... Here's what really makes me realize my brain is really fucked up about sex... When I have sex with someone and it's all nice and gentle... I FREAK OUT. I will actually start crying. I cry because I want it sooo bad to be love and know that it's not that I start crying. That is why I prefer drunking rough sex... Because I don't get hurt in the morning... and if I am lucky enough...I don't even have to remember it.
Hi, my name is Shannon... I am think I may be an alcoholic. Damn... when did that happen?
I got ready to go to the bar tonight. Even though I told everyone at work that I wasn't going to drink anymore. I got ready and had a friend pick me up. I went to their house and one of the girls there was being a bitch so I decided to go home.
I think about myself too much. I need a man in my life that I can think about. I want a man to notice that my car tires are low and fill them up for me. I want a man to go take my car and put gas in it. I want a man to buy me a flower. I want a man to walk next to me. I want a man to kiss me goodnight. I want a man to kiss me goodbye before he goes to work. I want a man to call me up and just before he hangs up say, "Iloveyougoodbye," like it's all one word. I want a man to watch a movie with me at home and run to the fridge and get me more ice for my drink, just because Iasked him to. I want a man that complains about going grocery shopping, so that I can go for him. I want to exchange christmas presents with a man while sitting next to "our" Christmas tree while he laughs at my need for cheezy Christmas music in the back ground.
I don't know what else to do. I am really lost right now. I couldn't smile if one was painted on my face. I really need love in my life. I really need a child. I really need to be able to love someone for once and have them love me back.
I hate being alone. I hate becoming an alcoholic.
Oh, I also joined a gym. My stomach hurt from doing those sit up thingys using the big ball thing. The gym is pretty cool. I didn't go today, but I rode my bike to the clubhouse and went swimming instead.
This entry is getting too long. I am going to bed.
Her
Loading comments...