Love? Anyone? Friday, April 30, 2004
As of lately, I have found myself to be rather ornery. It's like I can't stop. I have tried so hard. I snap at people, and don't even know I am doing it. It's days like these that I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe I don't belong here. The problem with that theory is I can't figure out a different place that I might belong other than here. Even when my thoughts turn to suicide, I can't imagine myself belonging there either. I often feel as though people would be a little bit relieved that I was dead. Like the maintenance guys wouldn't worry about me being mean to them, and the office girls wouldn't have to worry about me being mean to them. I feel everyone around me would feel as though they no longer had to be annoyed with me. That's how I feel. I feel like I just annoy everyone.
If I can't find a reason to be around here, then why should I stay? Maybe I should move to a different city? A different state? A different country? Maybe I should just disappear from people and try to live alone. Except I am not capable of hunting my own food, so I guess I would have to still go to the grocery store... Which means I have to have a job.
Some of the mail now a days have stamps on them that say "From far far away." Everytime I see one I think about where far far away is. Then I wonder how I can get there. I seriously wish I was at the place that stamp was when it was being placed on the envelope.
Anyway... I am really tired of feeling out of place. I don't feel I belong anywhere. Never in my life have I ever felt the need to be held like I do now. How I long to hear the words, "Everything will be okay... You are loved and cared about... I won't let anything bad happen to you."
Her
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