Sandcastles. in Painted in Watercolor

Why is it that....we grow..feeling the need to have someone else along side us, growing old as well, and growing with one another, into one another, shadows and light of each other, echos to remind us of where we were? And why is is that, these people we choose to be with us, when they are not the ones meant for the long run....it hurts so much? With each person I believe you give a bit of yourself, but receive so much knowledge in return, so why does that sting so much? Why do we look at the time we spent in pain and anguish and long for the moments past? We’ve lost decade long friendships and mourned less for them than a relationship that only lasted a year or less…And why? Do we give so much of ourselves away that we’re afraid? That we feel we come back as less of a person? Why? Is it all a part of human instinct? If so, wouldn’t that mean that they are dead ends? People we aren’t supposed to have? Some configuration of biology that we can’t see doesn’t match up? We add it all up and the separation seems like so much less than that.
We grow and gain these hangups and misconceptions. Find our worth in the people that raised us and how our peers treated us.
Gosh…this is the first time I’ve been drunk in a long time.
I’m very much sure that alcohol had a huge hand in the deterioration of my longest running relationship.
And of course he’d be the first person I’d reach out to. Still the first person I’d trust with my life. I just know he’d listen and put things in perspective. For the first time, he isn’t there for me right now. And he shouldn’t be.
He got to move on with someone…They’ve been strong for a year now. Its odd how, the longer they’re together, the more I feel like I was the problem. Like he was meant for someone, but not me. He’d talk to me about how they’d never argue..and here I am…facing that brink moment of a meltdown where I begin to believe that this whole time I thought I found the person I was supposed to have forever, and I’m pulling up ultimatums because I thought things were different.
…And this is not how “forever” people are supposed to be.
But why....why is that a matter of anything? Why can’t I be cool with this not being long running? Why does anything less just feel devastating?
My mom told me once that I was not going to marry the last guy I was with, despite how I thought I would be with him forever. She said he would marry the next girl he found, because I shaped him, helped him learn, and that would make him perfect for someone else. And maybe…it’s my turn. …maybe who I am with now is the sea…all the tiny pebbles of sand wearing away my edges to make me new and beautiful. I always did describe myself as being the sea in my last relationship.
I guess it’s my turn to be shaped.

Last updated September 16, 2014