#326-Comparing my life to others in Magician Card

I’m ending the day by skipping my exercise. I guess I just didn’t feel like it today. I haven’t felt like it in general, sometimes it’s like I’m dragging my feet with things I should be doing. I spent some more time thinking about my friend who had a baby(if I can even call them a friend). I’m just still a bit envious. After miscarriages and loss, sometimes it’s that way. The nice thing is that I don’t even have to interact with them.

However, they’re on my mind sometimes. And the fact that my arms are empty and theirs are not. It’s not about who deserves what, or wether or not they deserve a baby(they have drug issues which a part of me debates if they should even be having a baby). But it’s just my own personal feelings that I kind of think over a lot.

On one hand I’m glad I don’t have a baby because I don’t want to end up like them(they had the baby unplanned and rely on family for everything and don’t work) I’m so close to getting finished with everything I need to. Yet another part of me also feels conflicted. Like I do want a baby. Eventually.

It’s just complicated. I can’t help how I feel…
And it’s not like I will act on those feelings, but it doesn’t mean they go away either.
Tonight I just feel a bit melancholy because of what I don’t have.
I have so many things to be grateful for and so many things I can do while not having a baby that I won’t have time for when I do have a baby.

And life is unexpected sometimes too. Like maybe I’ll have one a lot sooner or later than I think but it’s why I’m trying so hard to focus on the present

My bf is also coming down to see me again soon and a part of me can’t wait to be in their arms again. I want to cuddle, relax, spend some quality time together. I want all these little things and I’ll be able to get them once again. My bf lives two hours away and is changing jobs so he hasn’t been able to visit me as often anymore. We see eachother once every 3 weeks. Sometimes for 2 days. Last time we got to spend a week together which was nice and it felt good to be with him.

I need to just focus more on myself and my relationship and less on what others are doing in their life. Or comparing my life to theirs. It just leads to depression.