#323-Fears of Love in Magician Card

I get this anxiety lately that Sion is slowly falling out of love with me.
Maybe it’s because he doesn’t seem as excited at the idea of marriage.
But honestly he’s always been open to the idea to begin with.
I get thoughts that he doesn’t love me. Or that maybe he’s just coming to sleep with me. We see each other every 3 weeks. We would probably see each other more except Sion hasn’t been working for some time for the moment and is in the search of a new job.

These thoughts give me anxiety and fear.
I desire more reassurance and I want to cling to him more and yet I realize also that doing so won’t make him more likely to stay.

My thoughts are just thoughts.
They aren’t accurate.
Sion comes to spend time with me and he buys me delicious foods.
He kisses me lovingly on the forehead and sometimes he’s not even in the mood for sex and just seems to love spending time with me.

He also always says he loves spending time with me and he even buys me stuff as gifts.
I know he loves me and these are my insecurities and probably partly depression.

Lately also I’ve had depression that causes a lack of joy so maybe it’s honestly just me who feels less in love? Then again he is the one thing that gives me joy no matter.

I feel warm and fuzzy when I think of him and I don’t want him to have doubts because I’m scared and need a lot of reassurance lately.

Maybe I need to start reassuring myself more.
Nothing has changed between me and Sion and he acts as loving as he did a year ago if not more loving than he was even then.
On another note I’ve just been anxious in general.
My psoriasis popped out behind my ear and it only does that under continued stress.

Another thing is that I’ve been anxious over my driving and tomorrow I might drive.
I don’t know if I will or not. I’m anxious either way. I don’t like this heat either.
I feel miserable.

I know driving tomorrow and coming back will kill time, Increase my driving skill, and lastly it might give me a boost of confidence to push me out of my depression for a short bit. It gives me a high sometimes when I can complete those things that are challenging successfully.

Sion comes down in a week from now.
I’ll get to see him soon and spend Monday-Wednesday with him.
I want to really show him how much I love him this time around because last time I feel I was so depressed that it made it hard for me to focus on the moment.

I just want to focus on him and our relationship.

Tomorrow I might also call one of my friends to talk.
I feel bad about it because I’ve been shying away from my friends due to depression but maybe a good talk will help me feel better.

I know my anxiety is telling me lies about my relationships and about myself.
It’s just very rough this past month. And I feel at a loss because I want to fix it so badly and I can’t.
The only fixing I can do for my depression is to give it time and have patience because I can’t force it to go away even if I want to.

I’m also trying to spruce up my routine so things don’t feel so monotonous.
Like I spent time writing this entry not inside of my room but a guest room.

Who knows.
Maybe a change of environment will help me a bit.