#319-Attempting Kindness & Anxiety in Magician Card

Today I don’t feel too bad. Last night I had an edible before bed. I was on the phone with Sion like usual, just relaxing. I’ve been playing a lot of different games before school starts. My family is paying for my rest of my year which is great. I only have one year of medical billing and coding and then I can find a job, work from home, and then go back to complete the rest of my bachelors in another study.
My father is trying to get the downpayment which is going to take a while, which is fine. I decided to be patient and just take advantage of the last of my freetime before I have to cram studies again.

I’m kind of excited, a bit antsy, restless. I suppose because I’ve been out of school for 6 months(to work and have a change of pace) I feel eager to go back now. I’m used to being in school.

At least I’m getting a chance to do some gaming, my usual routine, and getting the rest of my room renovations in.
On another note, I fell asleep before Sion last night after the edible. I couldn’t stay awake any longer. I’m sure Sion was up past his usual, probably 1am or 2am. At the least it was 12am when he went to bed and he will sleep all day if given the chance.

I’m a bit anxious because in a past relationship one of my bf’s didn’t call me like usual in the morning. I tried to get ahold of him and couldn’t. He ghosted me for almost a year all because of a misunderstanding. My most recent failed relationship also ended the same way. I just date a lot of guys with poor communincation skills. Not that I’m perfect either mind you.

I know Sion is not my past boyfriends, he’s my current one, and a hell of a lot better at that. He has a lot of good qualities and he’s very patient and has a good temperment in general. A few days ago he forgot to turn his ringer on and so when I called him in the morning he didn’t pick up right away.

I tried calling him twice this morning and no answer, yet my texts go through. I know it’s just my anxiety. It’s still morning, if his ringer isn’t on then he might sleep in until 1pm like usual.

Normally I wake him up, I’m like the equivalent of an alarm.

So all I can do is trust him and be patient even if I have a hint of anxiety over my past relationship traumas. It’s not causing me too much distress, but there is aways that little bit of sensation that Sion could do the same to me. Abandon me like the others. It’s just a hint of that however, not enough to make me go crazy or really bother me as much.

I trust him. I just have to trust the trust I have in him. I guess sometimes eventhough I know something about someone, or even if I trust someone. I have a hard time trusting my own instincts sometimes.

I have a lot of self-doubt.

I’m excited for what the rest of this year has to offer at least. Even today I can’t help but think about how exciting it will be to complete this year and finally have a job eventually. A full time job, not just an entry level job anyone can have,

I feel kind of old sometimes though, like I’m not as ahead as I should be at my age. For reference, I’m only 22 and turning 23 in December. I have had a good amount of education so far from one other University in which I completed my basics(highschool subjects completed at college level) my pre-requisites before I can go onto studying things besides math or english in other words.

I’ve completed that minus Economics and whatnot.
I also have graduated with a good GPA, have an excellent relationship, already have a car in my name, and some level of job experience thanks to free-lancing. I’m not lacking in anything, and I’m sure I have a lot of things others my age don’t have. Advantages.

I forget all about this sometimes and get really down about it. I feel old for my age and having done all the things I have done. I even completed two years of therapy at this point to try to work through all my issues, really doing a lot of self-discovery and self-improvement even when I wasn’t in therapy

I’m close to getting my license, eventho it’s taking me some times. I’m still improving. I want to do modeling when I get my license. So I also took some courses through two agencies that covered everything I need to know. Back in 2021 I even took painting classes in acrylics and expanded some of my hobbies.

Then of course I met my current partner and we got engaged so there is also wedding planning and so much going on in my life. I should give myself more credit.