Summertime in Journey Back to ME

Whoa! Where has the time gone?! I have been having THE BEST SUMMER EVER! I know that I haven’t been keeping up with this diary, but I have been writing in a personal journal at home, and it feels so good to do so! Things have honestly been going wonderfully for me. I have crawled out of the dark hole that I had been in for so long, and I am back to being the confident, positive, vibrant AUTHENTIC person that I am! It feels SO good! Literally, every moment of my day is no longer spent worrying about being accepted by someone, being wanted by someone or proving myself to someone.

I’ll address the subject of that someone. So the last time I wrote, I think I had ventured into the friends with benefits situation. I kind of wish we hadn’t because it never worked out to be the way that I thought it would. What I mean is that during this entire Summer, we’ve had sex all of ONE TIME and that was a month ago at this point. I am not the type of person that needs to BEG someone for sex. I felt like I was begging. I’ve communicated in every way of what I need, how much I want it, and what I want him to do but he is SO preoccupied with HIMSELF that my needs are not a priority. Remember how I said that I found this Therapist on youtube that specializes in narcissistic relationships? Well one of the things she often talks about is if you are going to continue to be in the life with the narcissistic person that you have to accept them as they are and that they are going to be who they are. You can’t change that. It’s an act of radical acceptance. So once, I really accepted that my needs are not his priority, I shifted from the need for intimacy from this person to just accepting our friendship for what it is. A friendship. I speak to him pretty much daily, but it’s usually about his job hunt or the kids or something. I went to some of his daughters softball games and a play she was in last month. I was just at his house for like an hour yesterday, but it was more of just a talking session (about his job hunt). Nothing romantic at all. It’s like my eyes are opening. I’m also learning to not take offense to so many things. I literally let things that used to bother me roll off my back. If he’s in a depressive state, I let him go through that on his own. It’s not my business honestly. I just don’t take the bait and I don’t read more into it than what’s there. I don’t know what it is that finally made it click. Maybe it was the fact that he continues to go on about all of the work a woman needs to do to learn him and meet his needs. Yet, someone can clearly communicate their wants and needs and they’re ignored because he would rather work himself into depression. He literally wakes up and works and spends his entire day working and stays up late working. He doesn’t make time for himself, so how is he going to be the ideal partner to anyone else?

Anyway, so at the end of May, my sister and I went on our vacation to Clearwater Beach, FL! We loved it so much! We had such a great time. The highlight of it being able to see dolphin from our balcony AND our Brunch Yacht Cruise! Talk about luxury! This is going to be our new tradition! We had an amazing time. We swam in the gulf, we snorkeled, we went on a dolphin sighting, got massages, walked the pier at sunset, went to the aquarium, did some shopping and ate some amazing food! I cannot complain!

June was Pride Month, so I attended some Pride events which was a first for me since I’ve lived here. I actually sewed a skirt and tank top rainbow set to wear! The pride events I went to were family friendly, so my kids were able to go with me. My kids have been busy all Summer. My son is in daycare, but over the summer it operates more like a camp. Just today they went on a field trip to the Children’s Discovery Center. My daughter has had Rocket Science camp and Coding through her school, and in the afternoons everyday from 12-5 she goes to an activity camp through our local Parks and Rec. They’ve gone on field trips to the movies, skating, bowling…they go swimming every Friday.

I’ve been going on walks daily! Keeping up with it every single day just like when school was in! There’s even a guy that rides his bike on the trail that I’ve been flirting with. I haven’t run into him in a few weeks because of rain and because I took my kids to Sea World in Texas June 28th-July 2nd. It’s been raining pretty consistently since we’ve been home. Sea World was great! It was nice to have so much time there (we have season passes) and not feel like we have to rush and see everything. This was our first time getting to go to Aquatica (the waterpark) since Spring Break 2020 when my son was just 1 years old! So they were able to do so much more now in the waterpark! We had a blast and it was HOT out there! My favorite pool in the waterpark had a poolside bar and the margaritas were AMAZING! The kids and I got to have our first Dine with Orcas experience since Spring Break 2020 as well, so that was awesome (minus the fact that it was the same food from when we went in November and Dined with Rudolph and the food was geared to adults versus kids…how hard is it to have hot dogs or pizza options at a buffet that you pay SO much money for. What 4 year old do you know that wants salmon, rice pilaf, rib tips, roasted potatoes, and zucchini and squash? Anyway, the experience of being up close and personal with the Orcas is totally worth it though. You get to watch a training session with them and the Orcas are very interactive and come over and spit water at you. My daughter refused to finish drinking her water because of the whale spit. LOL. It was a nice way to cool down in that Texas heat! The kids enjoyed playing at the SeaWorld splash park, they rode rides, watched all the shows, seen all the animals…SeaWorld is just an all around good time! Definitely something you need multiple days to enjoy, so it was nice having so many days to do so. All the times we’ve gone since we’ve had the passes we’ve gone for 2 days.

Our 4th of July was GREAT! We went to a parade in a nearby town that we’ve been going to the last 3 years. The kids get so much candy from that parade. Afterward they have a lot of free family activities in a nearby park with bounce houses, free ice cream, water games, a dunk tank…the kids had fun. I made burgers for dinner (veggie burger for me), and we ate at my exes house because we live in an apartment and can’t do fireworks here. I bought a cheap $20 kit that had a few things that snap crackle and pop, a few fountains, smoke bombs, sparklers…the things the kids enjoy. My son did so great (he has sensory issues and fireworks are not his favorite). He was outside a lot longer than he normally has been and he didn’t even have his headphones. He went inside when the neighbors came out with their big illegal fireworks, but my daughter and I stayed outside and popped every single one.

All in all, everything is going great for me. I’m setting boundaries, being MYSELF unapologetically, having fun, watching TV reading books, going swimming....going to events (I went to a Cookies on Tap event which was an Adult only Girl Scout Fundraising event where they pair girl scout cookies with beer from local breweries. I also went to a Girl Scout family event with my daughters troop from her school. They rented out a local pool, and we spent a few hours there swimming and chit chatting, so that was fun!)

I will not allow the stores to dictate when I start thinking of BACK 2 SCHOOL time! It is still MY Summertime. I plan to enjoy JULY to the fullest! And it’s all within MY CONTROL! It feels so good to be in this place and space!

Last updated July 07, 2023