Unsettled in These Foolish Things

I feel unsettled.

And even though I quit my job, the thought of being there another month until July 21st makes me sick to my stomach and not fully done with the agitation.

I gave my official notice last Thursday, and then Friday was my first day working during my notice. Unfortunately, things still felt as frantic as they did before resignation (and why shouldn’t they?) and I was as addled and anxious as ever.

It’s going to be a long, long month.

Good news is, after this coming week, we have the week of the 4th of July coming up and I’m only working two of those days because we get Monday the 3rd off (and I will be getting my annual brain scan that day) and of course, we get Tuesday the 4th off and then I will be having my 3-month cancer stuff and primary care visits on Wednesday the 5th. So I’ll only be working the 6th and 7th that week.

And I was supposed to have my remote design team in-office the week of the 10-14, but I’m not sure if that’s going to happen now.

I was also in the process of hiring two new designers, so that’s going to be super weird when they come in and their “boss” is not really going to be their boss?

Am I really going to be working there for much longer?

And yes, my counterpart IS going to take over both roles, but that’s going to be weird because they are not planning on beefing up her staff so that she can be out of the weeds, so unfortunately for her, it’s going to suuuuuuck. I don’t know how she’s going to do it, but it’s not really my problem at this point. I mean, I guess it WILL be a bit my problem over the next month, but then…who knows?

Is any of this making sense?

The bottom line is, I feel a little bit like a ragged flag flapping in the wind, holding on by a thread. I’ve been tossed and torn the last few years and I’m just feeling so lost lately.

I need to write about my parents’ 60th Wedding Anniversary party that happened on Saturday. I put it together with the help of a caterer working in partnership with a friend of my parents. It went over well, but it reminded me of their 50th Wedding Anniversary that was very similar to this one, only I had just come back from another busy China trip and I was still with Sexy Pants and my life felt so much more…together (even though it really wasn’t because it was after I’d found out that SP was a cheater and we were trying to work things out and failing).

Where did 10 years fucking GO?

Oh, that’s right - about half of those years I was fighting for my life, plus Covid.

What is the meaning of all of this anyway?

Who even am I?

I’m having a bit of a crisis lately and I want to make this right. But I’m so very, very lonely and I have a sick dog right now and I’m dreading working tomorrow. I need to find myself in something else. Something different. Something new.

I have a LOT to do.
GS