life I wanted in 2014

7:17pm

So apparently all the old entries I've been posting are showing up as "revised" in that huge list. It wasn't doing this before, I checked, so I'm not sure what changed. Either way, I didn't mean for that to happen. I'm just trying to post all my back-dated entries from this year. I want somewhere to keep them altogether and I figured I might as well start fresh at the beginning of 2014. Someday I might go back and put all the others in the same place, but this seems fitting for now. I guess if anyone wants to read them, they aren't half-bad. But if anyone knows how to get them off that list, I'll take that advice. =)

Today was one of those half productive kind of days. I should have done more. My motivation is severely lacking for most things these days though. I did do some laundry, minus two or three shirts I want to wash outside, and I finished the flowers we're making for our big party at the end of the month. That's something, I guess.

Tomorrow maybe I'll try to get some art projects done. I don't know why I can't convince myself to move more. But that's the way it is. One day at a time. I'll try harder on the next one.

Not much to report. That feels like a common theme in my life. Oh well. I'm happy for the most part. Other than like getting lonely sometimes. And it doesn't help that people are pushing me. Like everyone all of a sudden thinks that I can't be single anymore. I've reached some magic age where everyone wants me to find some guy to marry or whatever.

It's not fun having that kind of pressure. As if I didn't already have all these thoughts on my own. Now whenever I try to get rid of them, block them out, someone feels the need to remind me. To remind me that I'm alone and lacking connections.

I think that's why I've clung so strongly to this idea of CK. I wanted to connect with him. I had all these thoughts about our interactions. I thought they were different and I wanted to hold onto that notion for as long as I could. That's why it's been so hard letting go. That's why everything still reminds me of him. And as hard as I try, he keeps coming up in my life.

I understand that now. The reasons it happened. I just wish people would let it go too. Give me space and a chance to catch up with my own life before I even consider bringing someone else into it. I don't need the constant reminders. I don't need the pressure. I just want to be ok with myself. I want to get up every day and be ok with what life has brought me thus far. I need that.

In the meantime, I think I really need to learn to laugh it off and not get so wrapped up in this idea that I have to have someone to share my life with. I really am happy right now. I know it's not coming off that way, but it's true. For the first time in my life I've been happy and enjoying it. I'm growing every day. It's getting better by the minute. I need to focus on that. I just want to have fun and live my life. I want to check things off my bucketlist and travel the world. That's all.

So I guess it doesn't really matter if I don't have anything to report. Because I am spending time with my family. I'm randomly taking trips to grab margaritas by the ocean. I'm laughing at the stupid jokes people tell. I've travelled more in the last three months than at least half the people I know. I'm flattered even by the old men who think I'm "pretty". And every day I'm growing just a little more comfortable in my own skin. I spend more time walking by the mirror and smiling at myself instead of frowning.

For a long time I thought I wanted to come off as this mysterious person with the sad eyes because that's how I felt inside. But I don't need anyone to save me anymore. I'm going to get better on my own. With my faith and the magic of all the world's strange 'coincidences,' I'll figure it out.

I gotta. =] There's no other option that makes sense anymore.

Now, someone remind me I said this in like a few weeks when I'm all lonely, and depressed, and wanting to connect with strangers again. hah.

rose.
8:45pm