Keep on keeping on in #Lesbian Problems

Agust 18 2014
Time: 12:11am

Finally my favorite time of day were I can lay down in bed and relax. I love just laying here in the dark with my meditation music playing softly in the background. It's soothing and relaxing and I love to take the time to reflect back on my entire day. Today was a good day I finally got to sleep in till 1:30pm and that felt good. I woke up to a text message from my mom saying "homosexuality is a sin come out from it" and I wrote her back and said "I know mom it's not like I have a girlfriend or anything it's basically just a friend were just roommates" but idk usually I would fight my mom and say I can't help it I was born this way but lately idk I feel like I don't wanna be in any kind of relationship. Not that I'm complaining about my partner or anything I just don't like being tied down. Actually I kinda wanna be asexual and not be attracted to men or women. To be honest I just want to have a baby and then say fuck everyone else. Because a babies love is unconditional and that baby is yours forever and no one can take it away from you. But ehhh I don't wanna sleep with men to be honest. Men disgust me there prevented creatures. And yes that is very bias to say but I had a sexually abuses childhood and that's why I think I hate men so much. But I want a baby so badly lately I've been thinking why not just get drunk out of my mind or so fucked up that I don't even realize what's going on and go sleep with a guy to have a kid but the more and more I think about that I tell myself no because I don't deserve to have my body misused and abused.... Ahhhhh I just hate that I feel so stuck. What'd do I really want in life? Am I really happy here with tamra? I am but there's days where I feel like I'm not. Maybe I just want to run back home to my family because I really so love them with all of me and at the end of the day they bring me nothing but love and happiness.... Eh I'm just stuck I wanna scream out for help but what kind of help do I need? Idk? I've tired therapy I've prayed to god I've done it all but I'm still not happy with myself and my life. And really I have grown up and matured a lot it's actually mins blowing how far I've come but still at the end of the day I still feel like I am doing wrong.

Life is hard to figure out, it's so confusing... Like each day is a a struggle to get through but life is what you make it so I try not to dwell on the negative and complain about the little things because in all reality it could get so much worse... I've been to hell before and quite frankly I don't wanna I back so I treasure each day like it's my last.....

I honestly think I juat a mini vacation away from people and my job. Because then I could think for myself without anyone's input and then I can just be free to be myself... What who am I really? Idk it sucks I keep thinking I finally figured it out but each day I learn something new about me and it makes me question me as a whole....

But one day I will figure it all out one day I will make it and one day I will get to help the people who struggle like me... Until then I'll keep on keeping on.

Goodnight.