block it out in 2014

9:19pm

So, I'm back home. Got back yesterday and I have mixed feelings about this, but it's okay. A lot of things are nice about being back in my own space.

Like today I just took a recovery day. I desperately needed to recharge and I didn't even notice it until I was here and I was completely alone. I've even had my door closed for a majority of the afternoon because everything is causing me anxiety and stressing my brain.

I had an almost meltdown earlier today when I was unpacking and noticed my trash bucket was empty. For about 30 seconds I thought maybe I'd dumped it knowing I'd be gone for two weeks, but that definitely didn't happen. The more I went over it in my brain the more I started to unravel. I mean, I've got these crazy leftover OCD tendencies and I knew something was wrong because of the way the bag was laid in the bin. Subtle to everyone else in the world, completely and utterly obvious to me!

So I asked Mom if she'd touched the bin and she admitted that she'd grabbed the bag because she was taking out the trash from the house. She NEVER touches my stuff so I have no idea what made her think she should this time. And I know for a fact that she didn't just "grab the bag" because there was a ton of stuff underneath it [hence not being able to sit at the correct angle and my noticing it]. But she swears she went through it and made sure it was all trash.

I know this seems strange, but I can't help it. I don't remember what was in the basket. I have a horrible time throwing things away so it helps me to toss it all in one place and sort it later. Plus she basically sees everything that ever existed as trash and I am the complete opposite. I'm getting all anxious just thinking about it again. Because WHAT WAS IN THERE?! I'm sure it was all garbage, but there's that horrible lingering doubt that maybe I was saving something underneath the bag and now it's gone. I know there isn't anything I can do about it, so I've been trying desperately to let it go. But seriously. Who does that??

Maybe even a tiny part of me just feels like my space was violated. She doesn't know what was there. She doesn't understand my process. She doesn't get that I have this anxiety about things that don't matter to her. I've had stuff stolen from my space before [which may be why I'm even more hyper-aware of things being moved] and this feels a little like that. Someone came in, took my stuff, shifted it all around, and left. I can't even comprehend why she thought that would be ok. She hasn't picked up my trash in 10 years.

I guess I just feel like I should be at the age now where she has some sort of respect for my space. Ugh. I said I was trying to move on, didn't I? =|

All of these feelings are also partly due to some hormonal imbalances. These things are so predictable, but they suck me into their dark holes every time.

To make myself feel better, I am currently sipping on some sweet tea vodka over rocks. I've never tried it with anything other than lemonade [which is fantastic!] but this seems to be pretty good too. It should help ease all the emotional stuff in my brain and I don't want to feel right now.

Also, I am in the middle of a debate over how I should respond to Kyle's message. I want to say thank you, obviously, and mention I was in Seattle. But I'm not sure what else to say? Should I ask how he's been? Do I say all the funny things that popped into my head a few minutes ago? It's been three years. This is too weird..

Ok. I went with the quick thank you and mention of my being in town and that's all. Figured it's best to start from there. I'm curious as to what's going on? His presence on fb has been extremely limited for a while now. And he's suddenly come back up. Reposting old pictures, talking about missing Seattle, sending me messages. Seems a little sketch. I almost want to go to the "marital problems" place, but I'll wait before I jump to any conclusions. He did come to me after his last break up though. haha.

It would be kinda nice to have a new friend to talk to. We did have some decent conversations back in the day. And the whole CK thing is still stuck in that weird not-quite-friends-but-more-than-a stranger phase.

We traded some texts while I was gone. I mentioned him not responding in my last entry and then later that night [like after 10] I got a response to the text I'd sent two days before. hah. Funny world. We traded messages until I went to bed at midnight. The next afternoon I continued where we'd left off and traded again until about midnight [that seems to be our stopping point]. Nothing since then. I'm not surprised though. He seems to have a hard time picking up on the cues. Like what to say, what questions he could ask, etc. It would be nice to have a normal back and forth conversation with him, but that doesn't seem like it'll happen. At least not via text, which I'm mostly ok with. I strongly dislike that whole phone communication thing. I'd rather sit in front of him and chat.

Turns out though that he never took that new out of town job. Or, he did, but only for like a week because of the insane working conditions. So he wasn't out of town every week like I thought he might be.

...got distracted. I was probably just going to ramble on about CK anyways, so let's move on. Time for bed. I need more rest and enough time to finish recharging. It's been nice all quiet here in my room. The drink didn't do much but sitting on the floor and listening to music wasn't half bad.

Tomorrow I expect to wake up and be back to normal. I need to work on lots of things this week. I had a lightbulb moment earlier this week that I'll tell ya about later. But changes need to be made.

rose.
11:27pm

Last updated August 17, 2014