#306- Little bit better in Magician Card

Things are getting better lately. Everyday is a new day, everyday it feels slightly better. Looking at baby photos of the newest baby no longer gives me such a strong emotional reaction that it did a week ago. I credit this to the fact that I’ve been doing therapy homework everyday in the morning before I get up to do things. I try to take any opportunity I can to use my therapy worksheets given.
I can deal with the feelings of jealousy, envy, or grief that comes with a loss of my own baby and also the introduction of seeing someone I know with their own newborn. Yes, maybe I don’t have a baby at the moment but I certainly couldn’t imagine having one at my age(22 years old). My friend is the same age, their baby is unplanned, and they struggle with a lot of mental health issues and drug addiction.

I believe I remember them saying they didn’t even want kids at one point. Now that they have one, it makes me wonder if it looks as blissful as it seems on social media. Especially when they had to move back in with family and have no education, job, or income to support a baby. Probably not. Either way I guess it’s hard for me to be on social media cause it’s unrealistic. I don’t get a clear picture of the struggles of raising a baby at my age, and I don’t see the times where things didn’t go quite right.
I don’t see the sacrifices they made to give up a lot at our age.

Instead all I see is picture perfect and that can be harder for me to digest because I feel even more like I’m missing out.

I’m going back for my final year of school soon and I’m going on a week long trip with my bf so I know I’m not missing out. Eventually I’ll have my own but all the things I do at my age would be 10x harder to do if I had a baby or I wouldn’t be able to do them at all.

My friend also doesn’t work or have a highschool diploma and depends on their family to help care for the baby. I wouldn’t want to be in that position where I’m so vulnerable or ‘trapped’. I’m almost financially stable at least and I’m excited about that. But I’ll be able to spend all that hard earned money on myself alone and that’s even more awesome!

I still react sometimes to the baby pictures I see because It’s rough. I’ve had bad baby fever myself lately because everyone is either expecting or has had a baby within the past year.
Yet it’s gotten easier. And it will get even easier to where there is no reaction at all possibly.

I don’t know why I torture myself looking at the photos, it’s like I can’t resist sometimes eventhough I know that looking at them really does nothing except satiate my curiosity and tends to have more negative consequences on my emotions.
I guess I’m just curious a bit. A friend I grew up with had a baby, of course it feels weird and seems absolutely crazy that they’ve had a baby cause all I remember are playing together as kids and now they’re a parent to a kid(baby). Like it’s super insane in my mind(or at least I was mindblown for a short bit) but it’s becoming just normal now.

I leave to go on a trip soon again with my partner and looking forward to spending time together. Just me and him. No babies for now.