I Am Tired Of Not feeling Like I Can Contribute in Me Being Me

I have decided that I am going to be more independent from the slum lord and I am going to be getting my own internet and I am going to help pay for the added carbon tax on my rent check. And then I will feel like I am actually a part of the living here and feeling like I contribute.
I just wish that I could have the kind of relation ship I had 5 years ago with the slumlord where she actually listened to me and things got done when I asked for them to be fixed. But now for some reason she thinks I am full of shit when I tell her something needs to be fixed and then she doesn’t fix it because it’s not important enough or it costs too much to fix it.
You know it might not be important to her but she isn’t living here and she fixes her place and maintains her toys so why not take responsibility and fix down here also?
The thing I don’t understand is whatever needs to be fixed down here it will cause an issue upsttairs eventually and she doesn’t see that. Like a cracked cement floor will make the house unstable and cause the ground to move and crumble and she can’t see that. And the mold under the wood floors will spread to where she is upstairs and wonder what that smell is.
But I am wondering if what needs to be fixed and maintained down here is having an effect on me? Like the furnace not being maintained and serviced and all the dust that is building up? And I am wondering when the mold will not be so dormant? And how much will the small cracks in the corner of the walls get wider and the wall start to crumble?
But then what do i know and why should anyone actually listen to me?

Onto something else…

All the bills are paid and the rent check is written out so now I have my spending money and the first thing I am going to get is some much needed groceries.
I have also decided that for my birthday I am going to get myself a new lap top and internet because I actually want something that is bigger and better and actually works like it should. The internet I got now lags and has that buffer thing when loading and errors are often comming up so I will be geting something that I have more control over and I can actually call the comany and see if it’s my end or their end and get it fixed.
I really dislike being dependent on other people because when something gets done it’s hard to trust that they will actually get it fixed. So this way I know it will get fixed or looked at in a timely manner.

Onto something else…

Dinner tonight is going to be chicken and rice and some sort of vegetable.
I am really getting tired of the same old things for dinners. I wish I was more creative and actually liked what I make. It just seems like I eat because that is the only thing to do and then I feel really gross and hate myself after.
And I finally told my mom that I am fat and she says she doesn’t care and it’s up to me to do something about it. That sort of makes me feel abit better but then there is that intial look I get like how disappointed she is after all that hard work I did to lose the weight and gain it back. But now that I know this I can see them and feel like I am a part of the family.

Onto something else…

Well it’s the first day of summer and the temapture is not what it should be. It’s 54 and cloudy which means it’s 68 in here and I am sitting on my heating pad. And also today would have been hubby’s mother’s birthday. I think it will be a bitter sweet day for him and me also. But we will survive this day just like we survive every other day.

Well, I need to stop here…
Do have a great day…
Be Kind, Be Calm, Be Safe and Behave.

Last updated June 21, 2023