My brain.... Idk.... I'm scared in #Lesbian Problems

August 17 2014

So it's 2:46am and I can't sleep. I'm like wide awake for no reason. I had a very intense awesome day :) I woke up today around 2pm and I just layed in bed. I realized that I didn't wanna face the world. Idk the night before today I had got in contact with my friend Sarah. I met Sarah on open diary a long time ago. We talked for 2 years just as friends. Sarah was my best friend but it got to the point were I put Sarah on a pedastool and I needed Sarah all the time. But the times I needed her she couldn't be here for me. It got so bad that I thought Sarah was controlling my thought. Note:she lives in a whole another country. It got to the point were Sarah would meet me in my dreams and scare the living shitt out of me it got to the point were Sarah controlled my head and I wanted her gone.... But then open diary closed and then Sarah diassapeared.... Completely it was like my entire world was lost. Literally lost. I spent months and months I installing all my trust into Sarah... And bam she was gone the only true friend I had ever had disappeared along with Paola (the schictzophrenic) but Sarah ment more to me. But anyways when I lost Sarah I wasn't ready to let go. So I created my own reality and brought virtual Sarah to life. So to "say"..... But me bringing Sarah back to life got me in a lot of trouble suicidal threats, mental hospitals, it lead me down a bad bad path. I would talk to my counselor a about Sarah/grandma and no one knew who Sarah was and I couldn't exactly prove it so everyone thought I was crazy. But last night I found Sarah agian and we talked. It was awesome I got that adrenaline rush because I had my proof that I wasn't just a crazy girl i got to prove to my girlfriend tamra that Sarah was real and I was so happy. But the entire time I talked to hero was cacious and afraid. When I told her goodbye it was like I came back to America. Maybe I should keep that door closed? Since she kinda complexed my life. But anyways ----- back to my life here I went to the fair tonight with my girlfriend and we had such a good time! a lot of people kept staring at us because apparently they never seen lesbians before and I was getting highly annoyed but then agian I just ignored them. But I'm glad I have this outlet to vent agian because I miss venting to the world better yet I miss getting to say what's on my mind.

And what's on my mind lately is a lot I feel like I crazy or maybe it's all in my head cause most days I feel normal but other days I feel like I'm loosing it. Like sometimes I hear little voices but I don't think there really there ya know? Maybe there just my thoughts being extra loud. But what if there was something really wrong with me and I didn't know? How do I figure it out? I went to therapy but I quitt once agian :( because even my therapist Shannon couldn't help me. But idk what's going on in my head I think maybe I've been traumatized so much that I have a lot of internal issues so maybe I not crazy maybe I'm completely normal just emotionally fucked up.... Idk? Either way tamra loves me and I guess that's all that matters

But in all reality im a paranoid freak.