Another ending (in addition to the previous) in All Good Things

I think we finally broke up tonight.

"I didn't realise you wanted me gone that badly," he said.

It's true.

It's also horrific, and I'm not dealing with it well. I realised tonight that I'm still in love with him and that's why I'm so fucking furious all the time. Because it hurts so much I can't stand it. But I know he's not in love with me, he doesn't know how to be, and even if he suddenly said he was, he's not someone I want to have a relationship with. So I say now, after five and a half years together.

I wish I'd never met him. I wish that so badly. He has been nothing but catastrophic for me, unbelievably destructive. I was so much better off before I met him....

I don't know how to recover. I hope I can. I'm not very resilient - or perhaps I've just had too many tragedies in my life, and each one is harder to recover from. I didn't think anything could be worse than what happened with Jordan...and it's true, this doesn't come close. Even if the same thing happens and he ends up ruining his life and smashing into a mountain as an indirect result....it won't hurt as much this time. But at least I always knew Jordan loved me, and his love nourished me and made me so much stronger and better. Will has had the exact opposite effect on me.

I know I've been trying to break up with him since April, since that Saturday night in Newcastle beneath the full moon just after the last time I got back from Dubai, so it shouldn't seem like such a shock. I don't know why it is. Maybe because he's actually going to move out now.

He was crying in the kitchen when he thought I couldn't hear him.

I can't cope with that.

I can't cope with causing other people pain.

"Just tell me to go," he said. "Just say that, just say go!"

I couldn't. I was nearly hysterical, but I couldn't say the words.

He knew, though.

He's gone out. It's 2.30am and he's gone out. Meanwhile, my taxi comes in three hours to take me to the airport. This feels like the worst possible way to be leaving for three weeks.

I had contact with my beloved Andrew (gay male friend) for the first time in two months during the past couple of days. It couldn't have come at a better time. I needed a shot of his energy so badly. I can't believe it's been two entire months since that wonderful Saturday in Tel Aviv, one of the happiest days of my life - largely thanks to him.

Two months from now we'll be back together in Australia.