#300-Feeling depressed again in Magician Card

Emotions are very fickle. One moment I’m in my highs, next minute I’m back down to the floor once again. It’s been the hardest depression I’ve had in some time. I think I was already slowly trickling down into depression.

My friend had a baby recently which because of past miscarriages I feel at a loss. I feel at odds with my emotions. There is nothing wrong with my emotions at least. Absolutely nothing. I get those negative emotions and those bad thoughts. But they are just emotions and thoughts. Even so, I feel guilty sometimes for feeling envious or jealous of the baby. It was an unplanned baby and they are very depedent on their parents and family for help with the baby.

Why do I mention that? Because it’s so much harder when you aren’t prepared. Nevermind that raising a baby is esp hard just in general. It puts a strain on many things and life changes overnight. And I’m trying hard to remember this fact because I look at Facebook and see these happy posts. And all I can think is, “damn, must be bliss” which it’s true. It is bliss but nothing is ever perfect or ideal.

Especially having a baby young, they are giving up a lot. I have time on my side, lots of things I can do. So much more to experience, so much more to do. A lotta things. I mean I’m only 22 1/2. I’m turning 23 in December. Young.

My friend is turning 23 in September. Young also. And they have issues as well, as does everyone. Some serious issues and I hope they get cleaned up eventually.