#298-New Baby in Magician Card

They had their baby and all is well still. I am feeling a bit better. It brings back memories of my miscarriage. It brings up jealousy. It brings up a host of emotions that I can’t even describe sometimes. It sometimes feels like things are getting better and then they get worse…then I get better…then they get worse. My emotions are reaching the ups and the lows like a rollercoaster.

Things will get better. I know they will. Yet right now I feel miserable. There are a lot of baby pictures, post-birth pictures. All these little memorabilia posts as well. They have a lot of issues to be fair, parent has drug issues which I’m not supposed to know about.. Things are a lot different for them now I’m sure, so maybe it will give them a reason to live life even more. Who knows.

I realized I tend to compare my life with theirs a lot. And that’s my own issue. I realize how toxic that is to own self because everyone is on their own journey. Sometimes we brush past in our own boats, sometimes we share one for a brief moment, other times we travel together. Life is that way.

I have a lot to be grateful for as well and I have a lot going for me. It doesn’t change my grief though. Another thing is that there is grief over the loss of my friendship with this person. Life changes, people change, things are different. Things will never be the same. I have all these memories of going to school with them and hanging out during summer, and a part of me thought at the time that these times would continue. But they dont.

People move out of state, people change, people have babies, different lives. We all go our own direction eventually and that’s why sometimes it’s harder for people to stay connected as a result.

Those memories are just…memories now. And that’s a hard thing to realize. So I am also grieving those memories and the old them. And I realize that it’s okay for me to do so.

I’ve changed so much myself. A ridiculous amount. But only for the better I would hope.