#297-Rough day in Magician Card

Someone I know had a baby and things have just been very triggering for me.
My heart aches because I have lost my own baby and it just hurts.
Another part of it is mourning the relationship that is no more with the person who had the baby. We used to be close friends but things do change.

We’ve also become adults.
Life is taking us down different roads and slopes.
Going in different directions in what feels like worlds apart. And I realize sometimes maybe I just miss them. When I was younger I never would have thought that our time as friends during summer vacations where we hung out would end.

Or there would be an end to the many things that we have done together.
Life changes
People change.

There’s a sense of loss or grief. I’ve really gone through the ringer the past few years.
And what is life without loss. Because it’s so integral and that’s what a friend of mine reminded me.

Even the people I’m friends with right now may or may not be there 5 years from now. Friends outgrow each other and things change.
I miss my own baby as well.

Miscarriages can be difficult.

But I realize babies don’t stay babies forever. Babies are but a brief period. They grow up, age, start their own relationships and then leave the house like everyone else has before them. Including their parents.

I think I would be more sad having a baby because of that.
I miss my own. I miss carrying.
And part of me just hurts miserably

Seeing how happy they seem. Seeing the baby.
All these things hurt so very much.

I know it will get better but for now it hurts so bad.
It feels like I’m being torn open from the heart.
My heart feels heavy like an anchor is tied to it.

I’m also severely depressed.
So severely depressed.
Life feels so bland and terrible.

Babies aren’t easy either. And I’m trying to be empathetic because while babies bring many ajoy. They are human beings. Of their own.
And they grow up and they aren’t perfect.
They cry. They make a fuss.

There is work that comes along with having a baby. And so I know my friend won’t have it easy just like no parent ever has it easy.