Self Discovery, At Any Cost in Public
- Aug. 16, 2014, 1:46 p.m.
- |
- Public
I often feel like a bit of an outsider, even among crossdressers. I have gone to a couple meetings of local groups and not found much common ground. I have gone on to message boards and not gotten much other than creepy, unwanted offers of casual sex hookups. So many crossdressers are so different. Stats say that the casual hetero crossdresser is the largest demographic, but I guess we don’t have a huge web presence.
No role models or examples of people who have it all figured out, either. There are more and more for drag queens and transgendered people, but none for people like me.
There are a few book recommendations that keep popping up on various sites and forums, though. I hadn’t really read any of them since I do most of my reading when i am out at work…and around all the hyper masculinity, it is not really a good idea to have books like that around. Last year, I got an e-reader, one of the benefits was that I could now read those books discreetly. I started with one that easily popped up the most in recommendations by “my type” of crossdressers:
Alice in Genderland by Richard Novic
I have literally been wanting to read this book for years. I was eager to read this because:
- He uses a his masculine name, so he is likely not trying to transition and is likely more like me
- He is a psychologist! He most have amazing insight as to what goes on in our heads and can help explain it eloquently
- The back of the book/description mention the importance he places on balancing the masculine and feminine parts of himself
Sounds great!
However, it fails to mention he is a horrible person.
The book infuriated me so much that on two occasions, I had to put it down for a couple months in order to cool down. I finished hoping there would be some usable information or maybe find that he evolved as a person. He didn’t.
He was determined to find out about himself while completely disregarding the safety and feelings of the people who loved him. He made some bad decisions and deliberately hurt people who love him. Until the very end, he was unrepentant. It has been a while, so I have been able to block large parts of the book from my memory, but a few of the highlights were:
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He told his fiancee he was a crossdresser and she freaked out because she is uncomfortable with it. He did nothing to help her understand, and kept pushing her limits of what she was willing to accept. That is bad enough…Then, months before his wedding, he decided to see how far his womanly feelings went and solicited sex from a gay friend of his. When the friend said that he couldn’t cum with a condom on, Dr. Novic told him to take it off, because he needed his friend to cum inside him to know for sure. The friend did and later told Dr. Novic to go to the doctor because he had been diagnosed with HIV. Dr. Novic didn’t tell his spouse until after their wedding…of course they had sex in the mean time - EVEN WHEN HE WAS WAITING FOR THE RESULTS OF HIS HIV TEST!
-
Every time after when he mentions his first wife (the one above), it is in a fairly condescending tone. She understandably freaked out over the HIV scare, but he is STILL mad at her for not understanding that he “needed” to do this to find out who he was.
-
He finds a 2nd wife. 2nd wife is fairly accepting. they have talks, but she still has limits. He ignores them. They talk about hormones, and she says she doesn’t want him taking hormones and he does, anyways. When she questions why his breasts are growing and his penis isn’t working as well, he comes clean, but is unapologetic.
-
His “happy ending” is that he essentially bullies his second wife into letting him have a night a week where he dresses up and does whatever he wants and she is not allowed to ask questions. He has a boyfriend and frequently has sex with him. Not only is she unaware of what happens, she is not even allowed to ask.
It made me mad because he is such a shitty person, but what made it so much worse is that HE IS A PSYCHOLOGIST! He counsels other people! Thinking of the advice he gives his client horrifies me.
Then I got really sad because this was so highly recommended by people who were supposed to be like me. This was supposed to be THE book. The crossdressers who were “like me”, raved about how it was a great book and very helpful. I thought that maybe “my people” had a role model. I thought there was a group I could belong to.
Again, I feel alone.
I never feel more alone than when I try to belong.
It doesn’t stop me from wanting to, though.
====================
Edit: I did some googling. Sorry, I was mistaken. He is a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, for what it’s worth. Still the wrong occupation for someone like him.
I was also reminded of another one of his gems through googling. His second wife was so accepting that they went to the bar together when he was dressed up. They would treat it like a girls’ night out and would dance together on in a group with men. One night, a man put his arm around Dr. Novic. Dr. Novic’s wife mentioned that she was not a fan of men creeping on her husband. What was Dr. Novic’s solution? Was it to stop the disrespectful behavior? No, it was to stop bringing his wife along. What. the.fuck.
Crossdressers like myself would be overjoyed if our spouses went out with us like that. I would not do anything to mess with that dynamic and destroy the goodwill shown by an awesomely understanding spouse. She had a very reasonable request for her husband not to get close to creepy dudes. Instead of honouring his wife, he just did it in secret. What a piece of shit.
Last updated August 12, 2016
Florentine ⋅ August 16, 2014
Yikes, yeah. He sounds like a selfish ass. Sorry to hear it was such a letdown. :(
Miso Honey Florentine ⋅ August 16, 2014
Yeah, I was really hoping for some insight...not to read about some sociopath patting himself on the back.
Deleted user ⋅ August 16, 2014
Holy freaking hell. That guy sounds likes a sociopath. What a horrible book. I can't believe others gave it such high props.
Miso Honey Deleted user ⋅ August 16, 2014
It really makes me wonder about those people...
One Angry Dwarf ⋅ August 16, 2014
Holy. Shit. This dude is... Like, this is the kinda thing that makes me NEVER WANT TO GO TO THERAPY. Someone like this might be telling people how to maintain their relationships, and what's his advice gotta be? Lie? Disregard their needs? Discuss and solidify a social contract, and then violate it without a second thought?
Kinda funny to me that this person is playing with gender identity and feminine sexuality, but he's treating the people around him like the most privileged cis white dude on the planet. LOOK AT ME, MY NEEDS TAKE PRECEDENCE OVER YOURS AT ALL TIMES. Apologize? For what? MY EXPLORATION OF SELF IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.
Also: I was talking to someone on here recently about BDSM communities. About how it's super rad that we're more open and accepting of a variety of sexual interests, but how those of us who float around the middle ground of a fetish have a really hard time finding anyone to talk to. Forum discussions are often far more extreme than what I'm looking for, but then the only other option I find to discuss this stuff is like... What, Cosmo articles about how to use handcuffs? It's just weird that, in a world where global communication is possible, sometimes the offbeat-but-fairly-common interests tend to slip off the map, overtaken by people who are (rightfully) excited to discuss the more fringe taboos that were only very recently openly acknowledged by society.
Miso Honey One Angry Dwarf ⋅ August 16, 2014
There were so many level that this book infuriated me on. It even took me a couple months to be able to write and entry that wasn't half swear words.
Your second paragraph hits on one of my bigger problems. I think I have a more feminine brain than a lot of guys. I think it helps me to be more empathetic and understanding of women. I am not saying I am great, but I think better than most. I was hoping for a clinical analysis from a medical professional...needless to say, I didn't get it, here.
Not big into BDSM, but I think we are in similar boats. All the BDSM stuff i've seen online is pretty tame or pretty extreme. Not a lot of middle ground presence online, which is disappointing. Just like with crossdressing, it is either how to be secretive , never leave your home and make sure no one finds out, or dress like a slut and pick up sleezy dudes.
Who's Laughing Now? ⋅ August 16, 2014
Definite signs of self-importance leading to a belief that his feelings are more important than anything else, to the detriment of those around him. My sympathy levels for him are quite low.
As for him being a psychologist...
Ha ha ha hee hee hee ho ho ho. Now that's comedy.
Miso Honey Who's Laughing Now? ⋅ August 16, 2014
The book gave me a lot of feelings...none of them positive.
Bee Girl ⋅ August 16, 2014
What an asshole. Just what the fucking fuck.
Sorry this book wasn't what you'd hoped or expected.
rhizome ⋅ August 16, 2014
He is a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, for what it's worth.
hahahahaha, that actually makes sense of a LOT of things for me.
i wish you could hang out with me and ringo sometime, he's really into feminine dress and makeup these days, and also he's a hetero dude, and also he's pretty ethical about it.
also, i wish everyone had the freedom and safety to explore their gender identities and style preferences at a younger age, so that they don't have to upend their adult relationships when they discover these really basic things about themselves. i feel really lucky that ringo's self-exploration and transfemininity is comfortably within my range of gender attractions. his wife, though, tends to be attracted to manly men always, so this could be stressful for their relationship.
Miso Honey rhizome ⋅ August 20, 2014
I wish I could hang out with you guys, as well! I think you are the bee's knees and I really like everything i've read about Ringo thus far. I think we'd have some pretty good times. I really hope we get the chance, some day.
I really wish people were able to explore themselves earlier, too. I often feel like I wasted A LOT of time.
AlexYourAlterEgo ⋅ August 16, 2014
I had a high school boyfriend who liked to cross-dress, and I think he still does. I was being a weirdo stalker a few months back and googling people from my past, and he popped up on a thread for young cross dressers. I wasn't that comfortable with the idea, but was willing to let him wear some of my clothes and stuff around the house. I was young, and didn't fully understand it, and I think he was only just starting to realise that it was something that he wanted to do. Maybe that was a blessing, because being naive meant that I could just accept that he wanted to do that, and it gave him the space to start experimenting with his desire. I hope so, anyway. He's happily married now, and I'm happy for him.
I hadn't really thought before about your situation and how there's not much support around online. Hopefully that starts to change, if that demographic is correct.
Miso Honey AlexYourAlterEgo ⋅ August 20, 2014
It's goo that the situation with your high school bf seems to have worked out well. I am sure your naive acceptance meant the world to him. If he is anything like me, that early feeling of acceptance probably still holds a special place in his hear.
There really isn't a lot out there for people in my situation specifically, and it is quite sad. I think the demographics are correct...at least the few I have met personally are in similar situations. However, I seem to have progressed further than the few I know. i can give them guidance, but I would like some, too. I know I am farr from being at the pinnacle of self-awareness and understanding with this.
AlexYourAlterEgo Miso Honey ⋅ August 21, 2014
I hope so. Our relationship had a firey end (as most high school relationships do) but I only want him to be happy.
softea ⋅ August 16, 2014
Wooow what a jack ass. My jaw actually dropped at the part about him possibly contracting HIV and then sleeping with his wife without telling her. What the actual fuck!
Miso Honey softea ⋅ August 20, 2014
Yeah...I know. What the actual fuck, indeed.
damienne ⋅ August 17, 2014
god, that's so fucking upsetting. it leaves me with an awful ache, i don't even know, fuck man.
Miso Honey damienne ⋅ August 20, 2014
It is the first time a book has actually made me shout at the author out loud while reading.
Satine ⋅ August 17, 2014
Ugh...honestly I find that people who chose to go into the mental health professions are the most messed up. Good example here, I hope others who read this don't seek to emulate him as any kind of role model. ;p
Miso Honey Satine ⋅ August 20, 2014
I really hope not...but I fear that with so many people recommending it, many may have listened.
isaidnoh ⋅ August 17, 2014
He sounds like an asshole. He also sounds like he is in a ton of denial about his sexuality. And his assholeness.
You are not an asshole. I don't know why people would recommend a book about being an asshole to you.
Miso Honey isaidnoh ⋅ August 20, 2014
Maybe it was considered the best available?
There are a shortage of books on the topic...
Bomb Shell ⋅ August 17, 2014
What a total dick! It sounds like he's justfying it all by thinking he's a different person when he's dressed as a woman. So it's Alice who's sleeping with men (if that's his female name) but it's Richard who is married to a woman, so he's not actually cheating on his wife. It doesn't make it ok!
Miso Honey Bomb Shell ⋅ August 20, 2014
Agreed. I think that is totally it, or that since he is bisexual, he feels he is entitled to one of each...
ICanDoASumbersault ⋅ August 17, 2014
Clearly, we need to start some sort of web group for us middle-grounders. In fact, The Middle Ground would be a nice name for it.
Miso Honey ICanDoASumbersault ⋅ August 20, 2014
Not a bad idea! If we can gather a few more, we might be able to make something work.
Crystal Apple ⋅ August 18, 2014
What a fucking asshole!!!! Choosing to believe in something that feels so right does not give you the license to fuck up other people's lives. No wonder you were so angry. What a douche canoe....
Miso Honey Crystal Apple ⋅ August 20, 2014
I don't remember the last thing that upset me so much. I actually yelled at a book.
Jeanine ⋅ August 18, 2014
I'm sorry this book was such a disappointment. It's more of a manual of what NOT to do!
Miso Honey Jeanine ⋅ August 20, 2014
I think so. I would mind it is it was labelled as a cautionary tale, not a "look how awesome I am" story.
Eriu ⋅ August 18, 2014
He's a horrible person who has made an uncomfortable situation worse for everybody because he gives it an ugly, dark side. He's a bottom feeder.
I guess I just don't see what a big deal it is. I know society keeps it from being mainstream, but they're JUST CLOTHES. Men in my culture grow their hair long, pierce both ears and wear shiny, dangling earrings, and wear glittery, shiny, satiny shirts if they're dancers. Men in other cultures wear long robes that look like dresses. I was in a Chautauqua troupe with a driver/tentmaster/audio guy who was very tall, bald, muscular, rode a motorcycle, wore a leather jacket - and a leather utilikilt with combat boots. We were in small rural communities, and I won't say he didn't garner much attention - at first. Then we all got to working and nobody cared.
I don't comment on your outfit selections or when you want feedback on things like the eyeglasses because you're out of my league on putting things together (if my colors match, I'm good - if I go with color) - this is a skill, and if you're good at it, why does it have to be hidden? (I think if I ever needed someone to "dress" me I'd ask you!)
I'm not trying to be a Pollyanna, but again, they're just clothes!
Miso Honey Eriu ⋅ August 20, 2014
I agree, it is just clothes. People need to chill out. Heck this narrow definition of men's clothing is relatively new. Look at a lot of older European fashions for men, too...not very butch.
Thanks for the compliment, I am glad you think i have decent taste in outfits and such. If you did ever ask my to help dress you, I would gladly help!
rhizome ⋅ August 19, 2014
where do you find all of your gorgeous shoes? i know a certain boy with men's size 12 feet who really wants a pair of cute sandals, and for some reason you were the first person i thought to ask. ;-)
Miso Honey rhizome ⋅ August 20, 2014
I am flattered that you though of me! I would be glad to help, if i can. I will have to pester you with a couple quick questions, first, if that is permitted...
Flat sandals or wedge/heel? Casual and almost unisex looking, or more to the feminine side? Any common shoe sizing issues like wide feet or a really high instep?
Most of the shoes I buy are at Canadian stores and I don't know how many of them you have in America. I can list some brands that make them bigger, though.
rhizome Miso Honey ⋅ August 20, 2014
Yay, thanks!
He's interested in flats or wedges with a slight heel. Probably flats are the safest bet. He gravitates to a style that's femme-of-center, but not full-force femme. And his feet are the flattest feet i've ever seen, no arches to speak of. ;-)
Miso Honey rhizome ⋅ August 20, 2014
I get most of my shoes from stores that specialize in clothing for tall women. The only chains i know of are Long Tall Sally and Tall Girl. I am sure you probably have similar shops down there.
For not super femme sandals, I usually go with Clark's or Sam Edelman. They both make nice sandals than aren't super girly. Barefoot Tess (now owned by long Tall Sally) has a pretty good range of shoes sized all the way up to 16.
http://ca.longtallsally.com/c/tall/footwear/womens-large-size-sandals#
(They do have a US site, too)
He's lucky to have flatter feet. My second biggest problem other than shoe size is my damn instep. it is hard for me to find a decent boot or shoes with straps going over the foot. Really sucks because I love strappy sandals. He can probably get away with size 13s, then.
Also, I really enjoy the term "femme-of-centre"
Miso Honey rhizome ⋅ August 20, 2014
Just used femme-of-centre (Canadian spelling) in an entry before I forgot it. Hope that is ok.
ParyNoid ⋅ August 19, 2014
That dude is a self centered asshat. I find it terrifying that people actually look up to him and respect his choices that completely violate the health and safety of people that he his suppose to care about.
I have met so many psychiatrists and other mental healthcare people that are just nuts. It seems they all got into the field subconsciously trying to fix themselves. I have a childhood friend that is family therapist. She is absolutely crazy. Just, insane. She came from a completely dysfunctional family full of abuse and degradation and NEVER got over it. It rules her life - this hatred of her parents and of everyone that doesn't realize the world revolves around her. It astounds me that other people's mental health is left in her hands.
I've also met many that are good, level headed people that are truly trying to help other people. I admire those friends and acquaintances and aspire to be more like them.
Miso Honey ParyNoid ⋅ August 20, 2014
You would think there was some regulatory body than ensured people selling mental health were qualified to do so.
I used to think there was, but anyone can do it and that is really sad. The auther did say he went into the field to understand himself more. From what I can tell, he just picked and chose parts that validate his behavior and ignored the rest.
I really admire the good people in the field and I really wish there were not so many others giving their profession a black eye.