#295-A much better day in Magician Card

I woke up this morning in a much better mood, yesterdays cry was probably what helped a lot. I spent the day in bed pretty much with my boyfriend on the phone. Felt nice. I also played a lot of games and just took a lot of time to just cry my eyes out and feel miserable.
Today I go driving and I’m a bit nervous but I’m trying to be very encouraging of myself. I have done so many hours of driving and I’ve gotten so much better each time. It will be some time before I actually get my license but what matters is that I put in the work and try my best. Or at least even if I’m not trying my best, I’m at least trying. And I know things will get better. Yes I’m depressed, yes I’m going through my own stuff, just like everyone else. I just wish I could feel better immediately instead of being uncomfortable or wondering why life feels so miserable.

I have soooo much going for me and I’m very privledged to have my education paid for. I also don’t have to pay rent or work if I don’t want to. I have a pretty easy life when it comes to these things, except for mental health. My mental health sometimes feels like it’s ontop of a sandy shore with a high tide.

Either way, I just have no choice but to deal with it. I am on antidepressants and I’ve also had therapy. All these things. Yet depression will always kinda just be there. And I notice it always pops up when I have good things coming my way like some weird contradictory thing.

I am going back to school soon too for my final year. I’m going to get a certificate in Medical Billing & Coding. And then I’ll go back to finish up whats left of my Bachelor degree in Horticulture. I am going to an entirely different University at the moment and I just wrapped up the last of my jobs so it feels very weird having all these gains and losses at the moment. I’m kind of in the middle of transitioning into University again after a 6 month break so of course I’m having all this extra time now that I’m not working.

I’m spending more time thinking and more time by myself. Which is alright. I have a lot of hobbies I can enjoy but depression causes a lack of interest so there’s that. Hopefully I will start to feel pretty good after a few more weeks again.