The Death Inside in 2014

All I've been hearing about the past day and a half is Robin Williams. Rightfully so. It's thankfully rare for someone that successful and talented to take their own life, especially at that age. People on Facebook are liking and sharing all sorts of articles. Some say suicide is a choice, others say it's not, etc. etc. I don't know what I believe, as I don't think I can entirely relate.

I would say I've been depressed a lot of my life, at least since the teenage years hit. I wouldn't say it's as serious as depression that would be diagnosed and treated with medicine. So what is it then? A lifelong case of the bummed outsies? Who knows. Often changing things in my life or changing my outlook has helped. I am sure Robin Williams had far more severe depression than I've ever had. On the other hand, he was incredibly successful and talented, had money, fame, a wife and kids, and it wasn't enough. At times in my life I've desired all of those things later on. I have none of that. What chance do I have to not feel hopeless if he gave in?

Things, at least in my life, aren't as sudden as suicide. I am sure they weren't for him until the end either. Ideals, beliefs, goals...what happens when they become unattainable, or turn out to be falsities? Some sort of innocence must wither and wilt away every time that happens. Parts of me have rotted and yet still remained. On the outside I remain, but internally these things have died. Rotting fruit somehow clinging to the tree of life, spreading pestilence. The pain of memories, memories of loss and failure, choke away happiness as if thorny vines. I remember when I was younger, I cherished the notion of someday being married and having someone to come home to every day. As I get older it seems a false idea, a concrete, tangible thing for anyone else that is nevertheless an illusion for me. There's still plenty of time for that to happen, but the thought is depressing. Actually, I've started to feel pretty lonely up here. If anything, I should have been the one out of the three in the house to feel most alive. I know more people here, but they don't seem to have time. The dating scene has also not picked up for me yet.

I may be a shambling mess of dissolved ideals and rotted memories, but I carry on. Today was a lot more productive. I worked a 10hour shift, went grocery shopping, applied for some jobs at local hospitals, worked out, and practiced bass for 45 minutes. It feels good. Really, nothing else matters. I'll make friends, and I made the choice to ditch all the ones I had back home. I came up here to challenge myself and to be successful. Every day I just need to spend a little time working out, looking for better work and practicing bass, both for my present and for my future.

I end up reading a lot of cracked.com articles during breaks and while I'm donating plasma and such. They are all organized by lists of whatever. Often they are informative, even if it's relatively useless information. Some of it is helpful. There was one I read yesterday that I found really helpful, since I could relate completely to it. I have been sabotaging myself for years, looking too far ahead without making basic changes. I've worried about the hows of accomplishing things instead of focusing on why I wanted them in the first place. I always figured I needed to just do things, as simply as that, just do more things and somehow make time for them. It's a lot more logical to consider what I spend my time doing, and then think about what I wouldn't mind trading away to replace with something more productive. I've been more inspired since reading it. The only thing I'm not sure of is the last topic, lying to yourself about what you really want. I feel like what I want is pretty clear, yet I haven't seriously pursued it in all this time. I'm not sure what that means. Anyway, it's worth posting. Time for bed.

5 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Own Life Without Knowing It